As one year ends and another one slides open, I want to part ways on a note of appreciation. So even as my mind can’t help but think of where else I could be, I’d like to share my 202 Reflections with you all. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not wishing for another life or feeling regrets about the one I have lived thus far. I simply feel the start of the New Year aligning with the start of a new beginning for me, as well. I hate to find parallels with the cliché of the whole new year, new me mantra, but it’s not all that far off. I feel like Melanie 2.0!
It feels like I have done so much in this past year alone, but a lot of what happened this year was connected to healing parts of myself from younger years. I’ve done everything from restarting hobbies to unpacking beliefs to trying to simply make things feel safe again. I have met myself at the brink of hell and discovered peace. That’s not to say that I have evolved into a unique state of emotional neutrality where I don’t feel things at all. On the contrary, I have faced some dark and uncomfortable parts of myself and gave myself grace and love so that I could work through it. Over and over, and over again.
So when I say that I’ve dealt with my personal hell and discovered peace, it just means that I have fallen flat on my face enough times that I know I can pick myself back up again–and that’s a pretty cool feeling.
At the end of the day all you really have is you, after all.
You’ve got to love yourself more than anything because you can’t just wait around for someone else to say they love you. You’ve got to want to be better for yourself because that’s the only way you can change your circumstances. You’ve got to be your own advocate because no one else is living this life for you. When you start doing that inside work of putting yourself first, especially after a long time of silencing your heart, that’s when you’ll see the outside world begins to change, too.
If 2020 was about realizing how I no longer needed to keep myself small, what’s next, I can only imagine, is more growth, more expansion, and more freedom.
It is with that mindset that I want to go into 2021. I want to have my tools in place and myself in check, and my game face on!
Moving beyond the “old wiring”
To clarify on what I said at the beginning about how I can’t help but think of where else I could be, it’s like there’s this little voice in the back of my mind that says, “You’ve wasted time and there’s no point in trying anymore”. It is fear talking. It is old wiring and circuitry in my brain that is trying to make a comeback as it senses I’m about to change. Our minds and bodies aren’t programmed to like change (it’s often uncomfortable!) but we can reprogram how we think. That essentially comes down to questioning beliefs and re-learning behaviors which is what I teach in Self-Worth Coaching.
And hey, if this all sounds new and foreign to you, then that’s okay. Maybe this will be something you can explore this year! If not, that’s cool too. We are all at a different place in our unique paths of life and each of those places is right where we are meant to be for now.
I am also at a place where I can recognize when fear speaks to me and I can speak back louder.
I can say: yes, it is true that I have spent a lot of time exploring my interests and diving down rabbit holes that led nowhere, but did they really lead nowhere if I am now here? The fear wants to say that I should have my life together and I should be stable or have my career, relationships, passions, health, or insert whatever thing here figured out.
I share this not because I want to dwell on things that I’ve done in the past that no longer have a place in my life, but because I know that we have all done that at some point or another. It’s called living. It’s called being a human: to try things, make mistakes, and grow.
So I have made the most of the moments I’ve had these past 365 days. Many times taking two steps forward and three steps back; yet persisting anyway. I don’t think I’ve had a particularly interesting year if you are looking for tangible or material markers of success, such as attending big events or buying luxury items. However I don’t rate the success of my life based only on tangible things–especially when so much of what has been beautiful this year is intangible.
It’s hard to put into words everything that I have felt this year, but you can certainly read some of my previous blog posts to get some insight on that, like:
Finding Happiness During the Pandemic
How You Do Something Versus Why You Do Something and The Mental Traps That Creates
I will also share some of what has happened in the past year because I am nothing if not an open book here on my blog.
Here are some ways I spent 2020:
I began receiving chiropractic care
I painted up a storm
I released a second season of my podcast
I substitute taught elementary & high school grades
I felt hopeless and exhausted
I ate when I wasn’t hungry for food
I ignored my body’s cues for attention
I arranged a spontaneous bus trip to visit friends (February)
I pined over unrequited love
I adopted a rabbit
I cried when my rabbit died
I learned to meditate
I found a concealer that I really like
I adopted a second rabbit
I started getting acupuncture again
I had a virtual doctor’s check-up
I drank a lot of Stress-Ease Cinnamon tea
I started an online shop for my art
I developed various pains throughout my body
I cried many times
I went outside for sun therapy
I connected with my intuition
I took my rabbit to get spayed
I Zoomed and Skyped with friends
I reread YA books from my youth
I signed up for coaching (game-changer)
I stretched all parts of my body…like, a lot
I said “I love you” for the first time in a long time
I came up with a recipe for carob chocolate
I created my own practice for connecting with my highest self
I set my own definitions of spirituality
I was on a podcast besides my own
I danced for fun
I prioritized daily stretching exercises
I found some helpful TMJ healing tools
I rediscovered my favorite crystal
I stopped apologizing when I didn’t mean it
And so much more….
Appreciation
Need I go on? I truly could go on. I don’t feel that this list even puts a dent in all that I have experienced. So, as you read my 2020 reflections and think of your year, I hope you can also think about the little ways that you’ve learned and grown. I guarantee you, your list is probably a lot more exciting than mine but you’ve got to be the one to have gratitude for what’s happened: the good and the bad and everything in between.
Have gratitude not because you liked going through bad, tough, or uncomfortable times (who does?) but because you had an experience! It’s the little things that make up the big things and when we give thanks for even the littlest things, it makes it that much more special when we take note of the bigger things.
2021 Intentions
I could write a whole post on my 2021 intentions. I might still do that but I will share one intention here, as this is a post welcoming in 2021! There has been much growth within me and I just want to see more of that in the next year. There were times this past summer where I just really wanted to be me in 5 years or me in 20 years. I wanted to be further along than I am now. I wanted to jump ahead to that place where I had life more figured out.
I don’t want to ignore the present moment though because this is where the future begins. The future is created in the now. It might be a bit of a paradox to say that I want to see growth in myself because naturally I am going to keep growing, but I also want to keep taking up space. I’ve put in distinct efforts to break out of the boxes I had placed myself in and felt so comfortable with this year. I don’t need to do that anymore.
So here’s to looking forward to a year of more growth and continuing to take up space as my authentic self.
Before you go, if you’d like to read what some of my favorite things I tried or came across in 2020 were, head here now.
You can also take a trip down memory lane with me and read my 2019 Reflections! Oh my, how I’ve grown!
xoxo,
Melanie
I hope to see more of you in 2021! What stands out for you from the past year? What beautiful ways have you grown?
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