Maybe you’ve heard the motivational saying: release that which no longer serves you. I’ve certainly heard this in many inspirational works and guided meditation videos but it never really resonated with me. I mean, in theory, it is a good practice to “let things go”.
When you hold onto thoughts, material objects, or even people that do not benefit you or help you grow, where does that leave you? If you stay amongst all of this stuff from your past, then it hinders your enjoyment of today and, consequently, tomorrow.
It turns out that the effects of long, slow-building emotional pain are not so easy to release.
I’ve included you all in my food/elimination diet trials because I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of my issues. Now, I think it is only fair that I bring you the real and conclusive answer to what has been going on with my health.
Let us flashback to last fall (2017) when I started working at a mental health facility that the psych major in me considered #goals. Yet, after spending a few months there, I discovered unfavorable things about the way things were run, especially in my department. As an office assistant, my role had me tugged and pulled in different directions. Any given day, I assisted staff and clients, composed a monthly and daily schedule of activities, attended to the clerical aspect of my role with data and reports, served as a secretary for my department and supervisor, and more.
I was initially ecstatic to have this job and I think my enthusiasm, vibrancy, and overall happiness showed.
I love maintaining organization and being of assistance. So, my job was easy to maneuver once I knew what was expected of me. As a secretary, I was approached my many people and, in my supervisor’s eyes, must have garnered an excess of attention. I did not seek it out but the attention…particularly from males…was there nonetheless. Though, I’d say things got trickier when I started talking to a coworker of mine. Others in my department figured we had a thing because we would often talk to each other and eat lunch together. Still, I couldn’t see us advancing to the next step so I ended things amicably.
And then someone new came into my life and rocked my world.
I feel a little embarrassed to say that I began seeing someone else from my same building, almost immediately following the other lukewarm thing I had with my other coworker. Whatever. I’m not holding back here! So, we started talking casually in passing and ate lunch together one day in the employee breakroom. Then I gave him my number because we were going to plan a day to go out to lunch. Bam. From then on, we began talking NONSTOP. It did not take long for me to realize that I had feelings for him. While I spent months of lukewarm indecisiveness with my other coworker, with this guy…I felt an immediate connection. So much so that I told him I liked him after us only talking/texting for about two weeks. I am not trying to sound dramatic here but prior to him, I really had accepted the “fact” that I was destined for a life of sparkless relationships–because that was all I had ever known! Now, here was the first person I felt connected to beyond the physical level–it felt like our souls knew each other before we’d even met. You can imagine why I then embarked on the most beautiful, whirlwind of a relationship that I’ve ever experienced.
What I did not anticipate were the complications that this created for us (mostly me).
Correction: anticipate makes it sound like I was planning this and I certainly was not. I let all of this unfold, tossing common sense out the window and with ZERO plan in hand. Meanwhile, at work, my nit-picky supervisor was building up a list of reasons why she didn’t like me. She didn’t see how much I would do and whatever I did do was inadequate to her. Little did I know that she created reasons to dislike me completely unrelated to my work and more personal in nature. I wanted out but I tried to stick through it because everything else was going pretty well! Or so I thought.
My chirpy demeanor took a nosedive in the opposite direction when my short-lived, deeply connective relationship suddenly ended. (Not so suddenly now that I look back. The clues were there: he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I know, I did this to myself….) Plus, since we worked in the same building, there was no way for me to get solace and take the much-needed separation to heal myself. Work now became a place where I felt in over my head with growing emotional stressors that I had no control over.
I could write a book on all of the shit that occurred and the emotions that I felt during this time. Instead, I’ll just say that I ended up leaving my job and all of the associated mess.
My separation from the position at the beginning of July was a blessing but also an added source of pain to deal with. I kept interacting with people, getting pushed into a corner and feeling my light get snuffed out more and more. Until one day it wasn’t there anymore. All of this was happening and I walked around feeling like half-a-human or just plain numb, never knowing how to manage any of what I was feeling (or not feeling). Almost immediately, the stressors took a toll on me physically. I felt sick, to say the least; I felt my body deteriorating while I was inhabiting it.
I spent the following weeks trying to come back into myself: relearning what it means to be me. I started reading a life-changing book called The Power of Now (highly recommend it!). Severe amounts of writing, crying, yoga, and meditation helped but did not totally heal the holes and overall brokenness I felt. Even if I was better off not at that job, I was still hurt over everything that happened. Plus, I was in emotional turmoil as I was finally getting the isolated time and space to work through everything I held in regarding the ending of my relationship.
Phew! Deep exhale.
This all feels really heavy just to write. But it is okay. Now that you know the background information, I’ll start to tie this story up!
One evening, as I perused Instagram, I came across an account for a local psychic who does tarot card readings. I’ve never been into horoscopes or the supernatural but I was in a fucking pit at this point and intrigued to know what to make of all of the emotional pain and physical discomfort that I was in. So, I met up with the psychic gal for a reading. The two questions I asked pertained to what I should do about my health situation and what meaning I should take from the previous relationship I was in. Now, I won’t say everyone needs to see a psychic but the messages that came from my reading described me perfectly.
For so long, I had kept the emotions and struggles I was feeling to myself. Yet, here this stranger was pulling out cards that represented exactly what I’d been going through. This brought me comfort beyond belief.
I felt understood without needing to say much. She proposed that the reason for me feeling funky, health-wise, was probably due to me holding onto the stress of all I’d been going through.
The cards did not provide a clear answer on what I should take from the romantic experience. Though, they suggested a lack of closure. I told the psychic a little bit about how things went in my relationship. I told her how I couldn’t believe that things were over because him and I were so good together. Things never even got a chance to get bad. She told me there is a possibility of us being twin flames. Meaning: we may be the kind of people who will come in and out of each other’s lives to teach lessons to one another. Who’s to know at this point? After the tarot reading, she suggested I reach out to him. She felt he had something to say, maybe an apology, and that might give me the closure I need.
I walked out of the reading feeling like I could breathe. I felt as if I had been holding my breath for months and was now finally able to take a huge, deep inhale of breath. I immediately felt a significant amount of the emotional burdens I was carrying were removed from my chest. It was unreal. Plus, I was gifted with a personalized, actionable task for my situation. So, later that day, I gave him a call.
I won’t go into what we said during the call but it was brief and plain. I purposely tried to keep things casual and light; that allowed for me to just talk and see how he was doing. His surprise to see my call was evident in his voice but he spoke to me kindly. For a moment, the pain of the past few months fell away as he felt like the person I remembered before things got complicated. We both expressed that it was nice to hear from each other and, for me, that was enough. I would have been fooling myself if I expected anything else.
The conversation was just okay and I am okay with that.
The next day, I awoke lighter than I had felt in months. If you’ve been following my elimination diet trials, you may be surprised to hear that my debilitating pregnancy-level bloat was gone! Which I know realize is indicative of how stress and emotional trauma can impact the body. So, the only way I can describe how I felt at this point is: refreshed. In the following days, I found it easier to focus my energy on new activities for me. The sensitivities that I experienced before were less apparent. My diet didn’t really change but my skin started to clear up; it felt and looked less inflamed. The tenfold effect of tackling the root cause of my troubles–my emotional health–has helped me more than anything.
I know it is easier said than done, to release that which no longer serves you, but it is key. Prior to the tarot card reading, I spent months trying to come to terms with the situations all on my own. Though, I couldn’t stop myself from dwelling on them because I saw no finality to them. Perhaps, I had completed all of the necessary self-discovery work on my own and was just in need of that sign, a push, to tell me: LET GO.
With all of this being said, it does not mean that I no longer feel anything for the way things went down at work or with my relationship. Healing isn’t linear. I still have moments where all of it just comes back and stabs me in the gut. I see a new perspective on the situations every day and I take that as a sign that I am moving forward. I no longer need to let the stressors of the past cling to me–nor I to them–and hinder my enjoyment of the present. I finally feel like me again and am making choices to benefit me. My friends, that is all I can ask for.
Xoxo,
Melanie