I’ve been waiting for that big thing to click inside of me. Like, the save-all; the missing piece of me that I haven’t been able to put my finger on; the aspect I’ve been ignoring. Perhaps the very thing that I need is in front of me and I haven’t seen it—or maybe I have that backwards: it is inside of me and that’s why I don’t see it.
It’s easy to feel desperate when you’re so narrow-minded, only able to see what’s in front of you
Still…what is that thing? Just as equally deluding as the idea of where the big thing is hidden, is the idea that we only have one big thing. The media glamorizes stories of revelations so it’s no wonder we expect to wake up in bed one day with a soft, shimmering beam of sunlight hitting our faces through the crack in our bedroom curtains. Then, there in that moment, we KNOW the answer to life or, slightly less dramatic, whatever has been on our mind.
However, that’s a fanciful, romanticized picture of what we expect to happen to us. I shouldn’t speak for everyone but, at least for me, I’ve wondered when that moment will hit me. While I actively seek out self-development, I also have a tremendous desperation to find my calling. Did you catch that word? I hold excitement, motivation, and persistence to find my calling, but also desperation.
Where does this desperation stem from? Honestly, I could blame society’s pushiness towards youth to “stop messing around” and “commit to something already” but I blame my own self-created comparison trap. When I compare, I look at others who already seem to be in their passions and careers and make myself feel unaccomplished. For all I know, I could be at the start of my big thing right now, too. As the person on the inside, I can’t see that grand scheme of it all quite yet.
Moreover, there’s also this inkling of a suspicion that I have that negates the whole “we all have our big things” theory. It could be that…
Perhaps life isn’t composed of one big thing but simply a series of small, consecutive actions directed by a common value.
For example, sometimes actors gain fame because of that one movie they made, or writers for that one best-selling novel, or scientists for that one significant discovery. It’s not to say that other bodies of work outside of their claim to fame are any less worthwhile or deserving. Nor are the individuals who do not end up with that one big thing that launches them into fame.
We are intentionally (or unintentionally) holding ourselves back by thinking we need to have ONE THING. In the struggle to find it and make our mark, we beat ourselves up, battle conflict and doubt, try different avenues and, when that isn’t fruitful, we question our self-worth. The more likely problem is not that we don’t have a calling; it is that we are many things. Sure, some areas might shine a little brighter than others but nothing would stand out if all we had was one thing. Imagine that.
It’s the combination of all of our experiences—and never are there any too small—for those are what make up our lives.
Therefore, the big thing that we seek cannot be found on its own. The big thing begins to take form only once you’ve been through enough little things. Let me also clarify that little does not mean unimportant. It is a matter of carrying out enough consistent efforts towards things that interest you. It can be different things or the same thing—it’s all going to help create that larger thing. Perhaps the moment of discovery happens quite picturesque like I described before. Yet, my hunch is that the little moments start to trail into one another and sooner that you know, you’re in the thick of your big thing: your story.
How’s that for a plot twist? Whenever I’ve spoken to mentors, they often admit that they don’t know everything. I think we all secretly walk around thinking there’s some key to life that others have and we just have not discovered yet. Even the so-called “experts” are only experts in their field and must be constant learners. A funny thing that happens once you “know” a lot more is that you realize you really only know a small fraction of everything there is to know. You can only know what you know. It sounds rather obvious but it is also humbling.
The truth is that everyone is just figuring things out as they go along.
So, as much as I would love to peek into the future and have an answer as to what my big thing becomes, I’m also very much about the journey. The single moment of recognizing what my big thing is will not matter as much as all of these little moments I’m living out leading up to discovering my big thing.
As someone who really beat herself up for over 20 years of not knowing what she wanted to do, I feel equanimity in accepting the journey that focuses on the little things. However, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is your perspective on finding your thing? Or, if you feel you’ve found your thing, how did that happen?
I think we are in an era where the term self-care comes up more often than maybe it once did. Self-care is a buzzword that has become a catch-all to describe taking time for yourself. I want to deconstruct this idea a little bit.
We hear the word self-care and what comes to mind? We all think of something right away. Maybe the cliché idea of bubbles baths or Netflix and chill are prominent images. My personal favorite methods are going on a walk, hanging out with friends, or even (back when I had my pet rabbit) petting an animal can be extremely soothing. I’d be curious to hear what your go-to ideas of self-care are, if you want to share with me.
However, I have a modest proposal: we should be doing these things every day.
Self-care things aren’t supposed to be special occasion things. When we spend time on these sorts of activities (make sure you pick your own though—don’t hesitate to choose things you like) they give us purpose. If you aren’t doing something that lights you up every day then come talk to me.
I don’t look at self-care as a momentary thing. I consider the way certain activities make me feel and how they connect to me on a soul level. I ask myself: what’s your why? If you know why you’re doing something, you can attribute more meaning to the things that feel true to you…and consequently, let go of the frivolous stuff that doesn’t really advance you.
Speaking of frivolous stuff, let’s talk social media for a sec.
I am pretty sure the reason behind the creation of any social media app or site is for the purpose of connection and inspiration. If that is how you use it then that means:
a) you don’t use it as a distraction—i.e. no mindless scrolling while on a break or standing in line. You dedicate time to spend because it makes you feel happy, and
b) you feel rejuvenated, creative, or inspired through using it.
Different situations may play out but, at the root of things, I feel both of those items would be in place if you have a healthy relationship with social media. Yet, I’d be more inclined to call BS on most anyone who claims to have a healthy relationship with social media. There really is such a fine line to walk between using it for pleasure and turning it into a trap for self-criticism.
So many people like to utilize their free time on social media but it does not really do anything for them.
You think: Okay, I’m going to spend the rest of the evening on me by doing something I enjoy. Then, you open up your phone and suddenly a few hours have passed and all you have to add to your life is a neck cramp and a treacherous spiral into comparison and self-loathing. I’ve been there!
Let’s not just blame social media though. Heck, maybe pulling up that newly added second season of a show on Netflix isn’t really doing anything for you either. You finish your episodes and really don’t feel much better. Well, maybe a smidge of satisfaction at having watched a show you like but the feeling is fleeting as you start to settle back into reality. Well, let me not speak for everyone here. If binging that second season genuinely makes you feel happy to be alive and inspired to wake up tomorrow, then keep living life exactly the way you are!
Is your self-care time disguising a need for something else?
I can’t tell you what forms of self-care are right for you and neither can anyone else. You have to be the judge of how you are using certain outlets and if they are hindering you from growth or facing other problems. While I think we could all enjoy a distraction from stressful times, whatever problems we have are still going to be there when we end our self-care ritual.
Sometimes there isn’t much that can be done in a given moment. Although, more often than not, I think we have an underlying dissatisfaction with something and we are simply avoiding dealing with it. Maybe you hate your job but it’s easier to have a killer weekend drinking with friends than figure out how to get change your situation. When your finances aren’t in a great state, you might avoid looking at your bank statement because it just feels like a weight on you. If your physical health has dwindled away, it is much more comfortable to keep up your same patterns than have to clean house on habits that are harming you.
If you know me, I like to go deep (how’s that for my new profile one-liner?). There’s a reason as to why self-care activities seem to be super hit or miss or downright cringe-y just to even think about. That’s because the cliché self-care practices tend to offer such temporary, surface-level, momentary satisfaction that barely makes a dent in what is really the issue.
Many of us (though I’d prefer to say ALL of us) have areas where we could improve. We may be aware of what those areas are or we may not. Either way, nothing is ever going to change if you don’t take an interest in getting to the root cause of why you need that clutch of a distraction you’ve been leaning on.
I’ll take longer-lasting effects over temporary satisfaction any day.
At this point, you probably get my drift that I like taking a holistic approach, going deep, and achieving longer-lasting effects. If not, I’d just be bouncing from one self-care practice to the next, never feeling any better that before. I don’t want to totally knock any “light” self-care activities but I think we reach for these because they are all we know or we are afraid to go deeper.
What I mean by that is: we are conditioned to think that when something is bothersome, irritating, or unpleasant in our lives, we need only seek out a distraction that is the opposite of all that! However, if you recognize that the problem persists, that’s when you know the problem isn’t just a passing phase—it is a deeper-seated issue that needs to be addressed.
In the latter case, what we are actually searching for is connection to our authentic selves. Whatever your belief system is, I believe we all have a spiritual self within us that desires more attention than we give it. Spirituality is just one facet of us but I think it plays an integral part in connecting to our purpose and divine guidance. Another name for it is INTUITION. When things feel off, it is not because we are meant to have a sucky life; it is because we are out of alignment with ourselves!
Do you know what the best way to connect to our authentic selves is?
It is literally, so easy you won’t believe me. It does not require a luxurious space, tons of money, or fancy gadgets.
Sit in a quiet room and think.
Yup, it’s that simple.
The magic here is listening to what comes to mind. What are the things that are weighing on you? Are you happy or unhappy with your current situation? Why? What do you want to bring more of into your life?
I know I list these off so easily but they’re not easy questions and it’s not easy to be in such a setting with zero distractions. I admit it is scary to be alone and have to confront yourself with these deeper questions when you aren’t used to doing that. The stuff that arises might be a lot of “I don’t know” answers at first but it gets better after some tries. I promise.
Taking this time to really just sit with yourself and your thoughts, participating in self-assessment and constructive personal development, is what I call authentic self-care. When you truly know yourself, you are your best self.
There are some physical tools for enhancing self-care time that you might find helpful.
I said no fancy gadgets are needed but I will recommend a journal and pen. These simple and easily accessible tools can be super helpful when you feel like you’ve got a basket of trash (thoughts) inside your head that needs emptying. When you write all of that stuff out, your head feels cleared. In essence, your journal becomes an excellent avenue for any-time brain dumps!
Additionally, if the act of sitting in complete quiet seems like the opposite of peaceful, it’s because we are so conditioned to feel like we must always be doing something. I recommend putting on a guided meditation with a focus on whatever specific intention you’d like to work on or just play instrumental meditation music to set the mood. Both of these are great tools to help you get in the right headspace and put you in a state of ease. The meditations can be accessed free on YouTube, too! I’ll link my favorite guided one and instrumental one.
Now tell me, what does self-care mean to you? What makes you feel most connected to your authentic self?
In relationships, I’ve always felt like there were people for certain things. I had friends to talk to about movies, friends to go out to lunch with, and friends to have deep chats about the universe with. It plagued me to think that I had to limit my interests or adjust conversation topics if I was with a different friend. Yet, I didn’t know any other way to be. There was always this feeling in me that I had different selves. With each person, I’d show a different and select part of me but, over time, this felt isolating.
From the very beginning, I was trained to have a public self and a private self.
As a child, I was raised by very private, Jehovah’s Witness parents. My dad was strict in his religion so my mom converted from Catholicism when she married him. Some of my earliest memories regarding religion are getting dressed up to go to church and sitting for hours (in kid time) through sermons. Not too unusual from other church experiences, I imagine. However, it was what happened outside of church that really caused division in me.
While church only felt like 5% of my life, it seemed to dictate everything. Among my father’s relatives, they had long known of his belief system and there was a respectful separation between him and his family members. Therefore, I didn’t see too much of them growing up. My mom, on the other hand, was much closer to her own family and tried to make sure my sister and I spent proper time with them. She did the best she could given the circumstances but, since my mom’s side of the family was all Catholic, for nearly the first 10 years of my life, I never went to any holidays, birthdays, or seemingly festive get-togethers.
I have vivid memories of visiting my aunt’s house (on my mother’s side) and playing with my cousins. Then, when it would come time to leave, they’d ask if I or my family would be going to their [insert holiday celebration] special occasion. I’d always get the questions and I’d always wish the answer wasn’t no. My cousins were close in age to me so I felt like I was missing out on a big part of their lives and the kind of lives that I imagined other children had, too.
In elementary school, my teachers were always made aware of my religion but it wasn’t something I could talk about with friends. I was trained to keep quiet about it because “they wouldn’t understand”. I think my mom would’ve loved for me to just go through the “normal” childhood experience of celebrations and holiday activities but we lived in a small town and word would get around. How? Well, there was another kid in my class who also went to my same congregation. He knew I was Jehovah’s Witness so if I slipped up and participated in something I shouldn’t, he could easily tell his parents and they could get mine in trouble.
When there were class Christmas parties or school-wide Halloween carnivals and Easter egg hunts (yupp, my school did this), I stayed home. The only thing I ever remember participating in was May Day and that’s barely a holiday. Sometimes I would go to school for attendance reasons but my mom would often pull me out early or else I’d just get sent to the library or another classroom to read and work on assignments while everyone else was celebrating.
At home, my mom would sometimes do festive activities with my sister and I because she did not want us to feel left out. Occasionally, I’d try to talk to my dad about what was going on at school but he was not as understanding to the woes of a 7 year old. I remember once being at my aunt’s house on a day they were celebrating one of my cousin’s birthdays. They bought cake and simply sang happy birthday. I knew it was something I was not supposed to partake in but I was already there so why not have some cake? I later told my parents and, from the little bit that my kid brain could gather, my father was not happy I was included in that situation.
The thing is…I was living these different versions of me with my mom, my dad, my church, my friends at school, and my extended family. I felt like I couldn’t just be me. I was hiding some aspect of my life from everyone I was with. All I wanted was to be honest and, instead, I was full of secrets.
What the constant secret-keeping created was anguish and insecurity in me. It wasn’t even that I was telling lies; I was just withholding expression of certain thoughts or parts of my life from people. This manifested in other relationships I had as I grew older.
I changed elementary schools a couple of times and at one point I even made up a story about having a twin. Oh, little Melanie was constantly a ball of excitement and good-hearted mischief. Yet, I was also easily embarrassed because I never knew what I could say or what an okay way to behave was. I’ve always felt like I did not fit in and had an alternative way of being (a story for another day) so I told my few friends that I had a twin. The way I played it was that my twin would “coincidentally” be the one who went to school in my place on those days when I said or did something really embarrassing. I apologize to anyone who actually does have a twin but I did not know better at the time!
I was in a total identity crisis and, when there was news others couldn’t handle, I thought having a different self was the answer. I didn’t keep up the twin story for long but, as I got older, I learned to internalize my feelings instead of express them like I did as a kid.
With time, I’ve been able to assess the ways I’ve separated my essence into easily digestible, bite-size pieces just to get along with others. Admittedly, this was reinforced when I was misunderstood by those close to me. I would feel lit up by an idea, dream, or hobby of mine, only to share it and feel squashed or ignored. Moreover, the lack of understanding from my friends says less about their conversational downfalls and more about the kind of people I chose to surround myself with.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be whole.
I had a professor in college who once said that, in terms of relationships, it is a ridiculous thing to think that someone else can complete you. She said, that idea just makes people walk around thinking they are incomplete pieces until they meet The One. The way I see it, the same could be said for relationships with people, hobbies, tasks, social causes, locations, or anything.
In my mixed up state, I sought validation from any source that would provide it. Each of my different selves thought this person or that thing could be the solution to my inner division. However, I’ve learned that my lack of honesty with me is what sabotaged and repeatedly killed me throughout my life. Now, I seek to integrate the varied parts of myself that I’ve spread out in different places and with different people.
It is exciting but there is still a small voice inside of me that has concerns. It is the insecure child in me that wonders what is going to happen if I don’t have any different selves to hide behind as a defense mechanism. All I can presume is: I will be authentically myself.
Thank you for reading! Have you ever felt like you have divided yourself into different selves for different people? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
A year ago, even 6 months ago, I had so many questions.
Why did this happen? Why didn’t my accomplishments make me proud? Why did it seem like every minor mistake I made was blasted on the big screen? Why did my supervisor belittle and neglect me? Why did I get passed over for opportunities to advance even though I was qualified? Why did the boy I love not love me enough to commit? Why did my best friend only make time to see me when it was convenient for her? Why aren’t I enough?
The list goes on.📃 However, the commonality with all of these questions is how riddled with self-doubt I felt and I didn’t even know it. 🙇🏻♀️ I thought I was motivated and giving everything a fair shot. I was doing the best I could but I was also wearing the shoes of a victim. I made myself small.
I felt like the world was happening around me and to me without ME having any say in it. I still feel like this almost every day. And every day I remind myself I am in control of my life.💡 Not because I have any supernatural powers to control the way things play out or how someone feels about me…but because I have control over how I choose to look at the world and the many actions that come with that.
It is approaching life with the idea that I deserve to be here instead of wondering “why me?”. It is about my development of strengths rather than being ruled by perceived weaknesses.🧗🏻♀️ It’s a shift from self-hinderance to self-empowerment.
I am growing and blossoming. In an effort to be more authentic to myself, I want to start posting more regularly on here with similar thoughts to these.
For anyone else trying to step into their own, I recognize you and I respect you. You are not alone.
Today is also Mother’s Day. From the perspective of a daughter with a challenging relationship with her own mother, I think we are all trying. Whatever shape or form that takes changes. It isn’t always understood or expressed effectively. We are trying to do our best to take care of ourselves and those we care about. 💗
This post was originally published in July of 2018 with the title “How to Make the Choice to Change – Know Your Worth”. It has been majorly updated to provide better information and clarity on choice and making changes.
There are two significant factors which affect satisfaction that I have noticed in myself and those around me. The first is a real, intentional choice. When we make a choice we are exerting our control over a situation that will affect us and therefore having a say in what happens. The second factor that tremendously impacts how we view ourselves and, thus, what we deserve is our values. While choice is the actionable step to help us make a change, what we value is the motivation behind the desire for a change.
So much of what we do in everyday life is a CHOICE.
We choose to get out of bed in the morning or postpone it by hitting snooze for 30 minutes. We choose to cook breakfast for ourselves or drive through any easily-accessible fast-food chain. We choose to greet people with a smile or walk past strangers without a glance. We choose to react when a friend cancels plans or when the store sells out of our favorite shampoo.
Many times, we consider these things to be controlled by outside forces, situational occurrences, or even other people. When we deflect blame or view our lives as a series of events happening to us instead of because of us, or with us, we relinquish our golden power. We abandon personal responsibility which, yes, may mean facing consequences but it also means having the ability to turn a problem around or craft a new plan of pursuit. I’m all for taking a qualifying stance on issues but, when it comes to my life and choices, I don’t personally see there being an in-between. I am either a victim to my life’s situations or I am my own person. I either have a choice or I don’t.
I believe we all have a choice. It is also my belief that my choice and your choice can happily coexist in the world together.
I won’t go into this subject too deeply but I feel the need to quickly address the “lack” mentality many of us carry. The idea that, “If that person over there has success in his/her career then that takes away from the chance for me to have success in my career”. That is a lie. Success (or whatever quality we may envy in someone else that presumably occurred because of their choices) is relative to each person. It comes from each individual’s perception of the quality.
The forms of choice in a day that I described earlier may seem very tangible but a change in perspective also plays a huge role in the course of action behind a choice. We need not be moving to take a fruitful and actionable step. Sometimes we can physically manipulate the outcome of a situation but, more often, change in the life we experience really comes when our mentality shifts. That is: when we can take personal responsibility for all of the things that are happening to us.
Yet, action is only one piece of the puzzle of choice. Action is meaningless without intention behind it, guiding it.
As humans, we are excellent at justification. It is easier to not take responsibility and not be accountable for choices; then, complain about how our lives aren’t going the way we want even though we so badly wish for them to change. It requires almost stepping into a new role as to how you view yourself and the world–and that takes practice. That could mean saying yes to opportunities that align with your interests and no to that which does not serve you. If that does not offer results, then you may need to reassess your values.
Here’s an easy exercise: write down a sentence naming something that you want, but have not been able to achieve, and WHY you want it. There might be multiple reasons behind why you want it so go ahead and list whatever comes to mind. Then, go deeper and ask yourself why you value that. The goal is to get to the root reasoning as to why you feel something will make you happy.
Many times we can hold onto a very materialistic notion of what can make us happy. This can involve things like: earning a certain amount of money, taking a trip somewhere, having a romantic partner, or purchasing much-desired pair of shoes. This is when we are continuously on the hunt for a new shiny toy, big or small, to spark our interests. Other times, what can make us happy it isn’t anything tangible…but more of a goal or vision of who we want to be or where we would like to see ourselves. I consider situations like this to be a wistful postponing of pleasure. In other words, instead of allowing or cultivating things in your life right now, you opt to wait because you believe later will be better. Later you’ll have more experience, be stronger or fitter, be more financially secure, or simply be more confident in yourself.
I admit, I’m quite guilty of this thought pattern myself. Once in a while I will have a period where I slip into the trap of thinking I’ve been taking action but all I’ve done is find reasons not to do something. It can be a sticky situation. I know I want things to change but I also don’t feel the direction I’ve been going is benefiting me as I would’ve liked. So, where do I go from here? It trickles down to values.
On a surface level, our choices may change but that is because our values change. We then feel at conflict when our actions, whether they be physical or mental in nature, don’t provide changes that we desire. It is a constant work in progress–the old cyclical “lather, rinse, and repeat”. Except, with the topic of change, it is: 1) assessment of personal values, 2) actionable choices, and 3) see where that goes! If the outcome isn’t what you want, then lather up again / reconsider what your motivating values are.
I think there is endless opportunity to feel oppressed and resigned to circumstances. Societal norms have crafted an atmosphere where finger-pointing and projection is easier than dealing with our own problems. However, there is equal if not greater reason to make a choice to change that line of thinking into one that aligns with creating happiness.
If you’ve read this far into the post then you more than likely feel that inkling of a desire to create a change, too. Know that it is possible and, while it requires constant upkeep, it is not a chore. It is a gift to be able to make choices that align with our values and create the life we want. We are all deserving of a happy life; so is there any reason not to start making changes today?
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