These past few weeks have been filled with many revelations. I feel like a snake shedding its skin over and over again. A constant unraveling of my identity and rules I’ve lived by. It’s very confusing; many times I’m just sitting with a sense of uncertainty for where I stand. Perhaps a bit of a mourning for deceased aspects of me, or projects I held dearly and no longer want to do.
Yet, I lean into the freedom this offers. Shedding that which no longer serves me has allowed me to step into this new role of being a Self-Worth Coach in an area I’m most passionate about. It has allowed me to spend time on myself with less guilt than ever before. I’ve also been able to see things, the beautiful and the messy, for what they are and find a comfortable respect for what is.
During this time of self-evolution I’ve found it challenging to put into words all that I’m feeling because it seems like life is moving fast. I’m not forcing, I’m not resisting, it just is. Given that, I’ve been reconnecting with my heart and finding pieces of inspiration all over the place so I wanted to share with you a few people who have been expanding for me.
People I’ve Been Inspired By Lately
Something that has deeply inspired me over the past few months is studying other artists’ processes. I get so excited to learn how people do things and how they think. Artists, especially–writers, musicians, singers, digital media, videographers, and so on–all have their own unique approaches to creating their art or getting their self in the zone.
I’ve always held a fondness, a connection if you will, with film actors. That led me to reading the GQ magazine spread on Timothée Chalamet for their November issue. If you aren’t familiar with Timothée Chalamet (are you living under a rock? Just kidding.), he’s a budding actor most known on the indie scene for Call Me By Your Name. He’s made several films since then but what I find most attractive is his methodology for acting, his humility, and constant refinement of his art. So, I’ve been devouring his interviews, written and video format, zestfully.
Part of what attracts me, I think, is his fluidity as an actor. Despite being so young, he embodies a deep sense of maturity and respect for variances, representation, and diversity in a way I haven’t seen before. If you want to see some of his films, I recommend seeing him in Little Women or Beautiful Boy.
KOZE by Kalyn Nicholson
I’m a big fan of Kalyn Nicholson on YouTube but her KOZE channel is ultra cool. Everything she shares about spirituality, finding direction, resilience and more resonate with me like if we were cut from the same cloth. Not long ago she made a video on the topic of non-attachment and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I think the message helped me put into perspective a lot of the conflict I’ve had in my own brain. Maybe it will help you out, too.
Her zodiac sign is actually Pisces (yeah, when I go deep on someone, I go deep) so that might be why I resonate with her words and aesthetic so much. However, I think she speaks to issues and ideas that a lot of 20-somethings are concerned about. Her content is very introspective and philosophizing but equally actionable and progressive.
To take a page from more seasoned professionals in media, there are no more iconic and revolutionary musicians than Paul McCartney and Taylor Swift. I’m combining the two because Rolling Stone had Taylor and Paul together for a Musicians on Musicians special and it was extraordinary! You get the loveliest peek into how each of them song-write and compose music (aka their artistic process).
I’ve been a fan of Taylor’s since the beginning but what’s most fascinating about her is the way her music stands for an era of (her) life and she is able to paint the most glorious imagery with her words and art. Be it through heartbreak or catchy tunes, she’s powerful.
As well, I think Paul McCartney has a secret sauce for living from his heart and being able to touch so many people. He shares some of this in the article (again, definitely give it a read) along with so many quaint stories. It was equally fanciful to see how much each of them admire the other and had so much curiosity for learning the other’s approach, musically and toward life.
Alright, that’s it. This has been like a favorites/diary entry type of post that I used to write all the time! I love talking about what I’m into and what’s on my mind and this format allows me to do both! What do you think? Want to see more posts like these on the blog?!
We’ll see. You never know what’s gonna pop up around here. But one thing I know: it’s always going to come from the heart.
At this time each year, I crave watching movies and shows that match the season. I’m always excited to see a list of things related to fall but, as a self-labeled fall fanatic, I feel like media is lacking in terms of fall-esque stuff to watch. I think I might be in the minority group that is a fan of fall’s nature vibes but not a fan of the super scary stuff associated with the season, or October mostly. A little scare is okay but I seek to connect more with a story than get a jump-out-of-my-seat thrill, if you know what I mean. So nothing I name will be too scary, if you know what I mean.
Are you more of a fall vibes and story kind of person or more into the scary Halloween side? When I got the idea to write this list, I set out on a mission to make the biggest and best non-scary fall movies list. It turns out, either I haven’t seen as many movies as I think I have, or I’ve based my entire archetype of “fall” on one movie.
I’ll address the elephant in the room: Hocus Pocus!
I know everyone was thinking about it. Ask any 90s-born person what movie “feels like fall” and they’ll name Hocus Pocus. After taking a quick survey in my immediate circle that continued to be the first movie response. It’s not a bad thing. It’s legit one of my favorite movies. It doesn’t get old in my book! However, the list below is designed out of personal need for some other options!
While movies are my jam, I know a TV show can definitely set the mood, too. Most of these are light-hearted movies and shows but I’ll make notes for the slightly scarier ones on the list.
The following are my personal favorites to watch this time of year:
Movies:
Practical Magic
Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman play two witch sisters outcast by their community. There’s death, resurrections, evil spirits, and more to deal with in their pursuit of love. Oh yeah, and did I mention their family is cursed? Some moments of suspense and darker material.
Teen Witch
Most teens who turn 16 just have awkward times of puberty and high school parties to deal with. For lonely-hearted Louise, she decides to use her newfound powers to shape her life into exactly what she wants, until it’s not anymore. A light-hearted watch.
Halloweentown
Yes, this is originally a Disney Channel Original Movie but it’s basically the most classic depiction of the season, next to Hocus Pocus, in my book. There are actually a ton of fall-ish TV movies but, for the sake of ease and accessibility, I’m limiting this list to Marnie Cromwell. Minor scares.
Sleepy Hollow
The story of Ichabod Crane is an intriguing one because this is a character too scared for the adventure ahead of him. Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Crane in this Tim Burton film is quirky among chaos and secrecy in the small town of Sleepy Hollow. Story is scary in theme and elements.
Crimson Peak
A rich heir finds herself enchanted and married to an inventor in the Progressive Era. He whisks her off to live in his downtrodden mansion which holds more eerie secrets than he’s alluded to. Gothic horror story, but more dark than scary.
Hubie Halloween
Adam Sandler’s newest comedy on Netflix, as of October 2020, is one of the most delightful Halloween films I’ve seen in a while. Sandler plays a too-naïve-for-his-own-good fella who wants to keep his community safe on Halloween night. There are tricks and treats in this silly comedy. All laughs, no scares.
It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Technically, this one is classified as a movie but it’s more of a special in my eyes. As part of the Peanuts series of television specials, this one hits on all the right elements of October with Charlie Brown and company preparing for an evening of trick-or-treating and testing their theory on The Great Pumpkin. A lighthearted watch.
Shows:
The Secret Circle
Probably the most intense CW show to date, The Secret Circle takes place in dark and dreary Washington where Cassie Blake is trying to move on after her mother’s death. She catches the attention of a group of teens who tell her she is the last piece of their coven of witches. Dark and intense.
Hart of Dixie
To me, the South is home to some of the most fall vibes, which are shown as big-city doctor Zoe Hart, played by Rachel Bilson, navigates life in the small town of Bluebell, Alabama. Lighthearted humor.
Salem
A dark series set in 17th century Salem, Massachusetts. Instead of focusing on the infamous Salem witch trials, the show circles around a coven of female witches seeking to rise up and rule the community. Expect spells, dark magic, rotating power dynamics, and a tumultuous love story in this gem of a show. Dark thematic elements.
Reign
Following the life path of Queen Mary of Scots beginning with her move to France, we witness the power struggles of a Queen with no country. The landscapes and thematic footage in this show very much fits my idea of fall. Emotionally-involving.
The Witches of East End
This female-centered series follows two elder sisters guide their younger daughters in their discovery of their magic gifts. Things go horribly wrong as they struggle to balance their magic sides and the relationships with those they love. Dark and enchanting.
The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
This instant favorite series takes Sabrina Spellman out of the walls of high school and thrusts her into the underworld, a dark academy with other witches, and unimaginable scenarios with horrors in her small town of Greendale. Elements of dark, gothic horror.
What do you think of the list? As I think about fall more, November and December are technically still fall but the vibe is totally different. It’s not fall like October is fall, you know? Regardless of the technicalities, hopefully you picked up something new off this list to watch that fits the mood this season.
If there are any movies or shows you think I should check out and add to this list then let me know in the comments. I’m always happy to hear from you.
Years ago, healing is not a word I would have associated with myself in a long-term state. To me, healing was the 1 to 2 weeks it takes to get over a cold or the 6 months someone might require of physical therapy post-injury. I’ve even shared about my childhood arthritis and how remission seemed almost immediate. I’ve never had concerns linger around long enough for me to see how layered healing can really be.
Healing is a process.
It was a naïve way of thinking to believe that healing was a one-and-done situation. It was only through a variety of trials as an adult that I have explored different ways of being and different practices. Each one has taught me a lot about myself but some really led me astray in ways that I’m still unpacking today.
Just to name a few: when I got my first full-time job, I was exposed to working with others, learning what I value in work, falling in love, and stress like I’ve never experienced before all-in-one place. I over exercised my body into a state of amenorrhea and hormonal imbalance. There’s also the interesting facet of disordered eating and body image issues that I can’t remember establishing but nonetheless affected me in major ways.
So, when I realized how much any one of these events, or aspects of them, was affecting me, I had to seek out healing.
Check out my post on How to Recognize Dis-Ease for more explanation on what it means when something is affecting you. For me, often the desire for healing came from insomniatic thoughts keeping me up and crying at 12 am. Or spending too many evenings with a belly ache and a disgust for the way I would treat myself. A lot of the time, it came from me seeing someone I admire living FREELY and me really wanting to no longer be tied down to my burdens.
However, just because I made a decision in ONE moment, it didn’t mean I was relieved.
There is the initial stage of learning what’s wrong. I use the word “wrong” loosely here, only as a means to signify what is out of alignment for you. What happens after this has no pattern, guidebook, or timeline because it’s different for everyone. It is inevitable that I learned more about my relationship to my symptoms and why they existed in the time (days, months, and years) following the ah-ha moment when I realized what was out of alignment.
Sometimes it seemed obvious like, maybe I ate food that just doesn’t sit well with me. Yet, as my unique process of healing moved along, I realized there is a lot that I was doing to myself. It wasn’t necessarily some outside thing affecting me, in several cases I began to flip the script and see how I was affecting me.
The role of the self in healing:
They say that the first step in recovering is recognizing that you have a problem. Well, I knew very well that I had a problem but that didn’t always inspire action. I simultaneously held in my mind the desire to change my ways and the desire to cling to what was comfortable. The fear of “what if I’m unfixable?” or “what if I try something different and it doesn’t actually make me feel better?” plagued me and kept me oscillating between getting better and just being in a rut.
Oh yeah, the rut. There’s also the time I spent not actively trying to get better. When I thought I’d reached a good place with myself, I’d succumb to my old ways, thinking I could handle a swim. Instead of holding my head above water, I quickly sunk into the habits, discomfort, and thought processes that I thought were gone.
I didn’t know I was backpedaling until I was in the thick of the muck again. I do not admonish myself because this needed to happen once, twice, 38,420,950 times until I finally learned I don’t want this to keep happening! We are human beings that learn through patterns and establishing new ways of being requires commitment to try again. Healing isn’t about “getting it right”, it’s about being willing to learn your ways, anticipate possibilities, call yourself out on your BS, and be willing to start over many, many times.
To put it simply: healing is a process.
Healing may start out as a way to get rid of toxins, negative thoughts, bad habits, and pain. The healing that endures takes a more holistic approach of not just looking at the symptom but how that symptom arrived in the first place. The process of healing involves an ongoing journey of learning, connecting all aspects of health, and being open to adapting.
xo,
Melanie
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Disclaimer: any material shared on Mel Makes It Happen is based on personal experience of the author and meant to be used for educational purposes only. The information is not a replacement for medical care, therapy, or professional advice/treatment.
I’m 26! It seems to me that 26 doesn’t have as quite a ring to it as 21 or even 25 but it’s a special day nonetheless. I’m taking this as a moment to reflect on myself and catalog the fact that I’ve really been through a lot (relatively speaking) in the past year.
If I look back at my life a year ago, some things are the same.
I was going to acupuncture and getting cupping and needles put into my body to help with my chronic pain. Today I still deal with pain but I am healing (more on that soon). A year ago, I felt pressured to figure out what I could do for work—since that’s what we grow up believing we need to shape our lives around, right? Today I think less about how I will fit into a workspace that exists and instead realize I’m meant to create that for myself. A year ago, I was still living in the place that I grew up in and wishing I could pick up and move. Today that’s still the case but I can also admire how it doesn’t take being someplace new to become someone new.
It is now my 26th year of life and much seems the same on the surface but so much has happened within me that pure words alone will prove challenging to illustrate. I will try my best, though. I have transformed, evolved, shed my skin, built walls, and taken those walls down. Nothing has happened yet everything has happened. Everything that has happened is more than I can describe right now in this post today but I can still tell you something….
I’ve had the most transformative year—a transformative last 2 years, if I’m being fair.
The feeling of sameness has plagued me for a long time. When I was younger I remember going to school, the monotony of classes, the dullness of summers, and everything was just the same, year after year. I was longing for something to take me to another state or for my mom to let me dye my hair, or something, anything big to happen. Little did I know that whatever big thing I wanted wasn’t going to solve the way I felt on the inside. What was causing me so much distress had more to do with what was happening on the inside. In my body and in my self—my identity.
What I was feeling had to do with the small little actions that happen everyday that dictate the person I am today.
Now, those little actions are so outstanding and miraculous. I can look back and see how the things I was struggling with inside of me changed just by taking the smallest of actions. By showing up for myself. For trying when no one around me could see my vision. For knowing when to give up when everyone else seems to be going forward. For seeking out education when I thought there was nothing left to learn. For holding onto hope when I thought my case was hopeless. The insecurities that I had, while they might still be here today, are so much smaller.
Yeah you could say it’s because we grow and, naturally, as you come into yourself, things get better. But I don’t believe things just get better without any effort, without trying.
I know I have put in so much self-work. It’s not without really branching out of myself that I’ve been able to reach out to people in all sorts of different places and from different backgrounds and ask them to be on my podcast. It’s not without trying that I have recreated habits that I have for myself that were keeping me in disordered eating patterns and fought to overcome them. And it’s not without lots of research, sleepless nights, crying, and questioning my motives and desires and beliefs that I’ve been able to feel more like myself than I ever have before.
There was a lot of gunk to get through when I started digging around in the depths of my subconscious. Sifting through many years of trauma. I learned how much I’ve been soaking in my parents and family’s beliefs, society’s rules, and people’s ideas and projections about who they wanted me to be, and I have finally arrived here today. I don’t feel like the most evolved version of Melanie Moreno; yet, I do feel more capable than I ever have before. I used to have no confidence in myself to pursue the things that interested me. I wanted so desperately for someone else to show me what was safe, tell me what’s valuable, do something for me…because, that way, I couldn’t screw it up. I was so unsure of myself.
The insecurities that I had, while they might still be here today, are so much smaller.
No one ever told me it was okay to make mistakes. No one ever said it was okay for me to try out different things and see if I like them. It was always:
Make the most of the time you’re spending and commit FULLY to get the best results.
Don’t be one of those girls who just jumps around from person to person (or thing to thing).
What’s going on with you is your business and you shouldn’t be telling anyone else that.
All you need is to go to school and then college and get a decent job that’s going to pay you well, has reasonable benefits, and is enough to support you and your family (assuming I want one).
These were ideas I was always taught and surrounded by growing up. I took them in as if they were an undebatable truth but these ideas are not MY TRUTH.
This all implies I have no soul.
All of this was said to me as if I am just a thing. A cog in the machine meant to work within the system that has already existed–the world’s system that governs us, whether we know it or not–but it doesn’t take into account gifts that I have. That each individual has. I am so much more a work horse. “Why can’t other people let you just be who you want to be?” was a thought I had often about myself. I thought it was other people’s fault, the system’s fault, society’s fault that I’m stuck.
To what benefit are you to the governing powers when you can feel and create from your own mind? You are a threat to society, to tradition, if you can think and feel and create.There isn’t room for your unique abilities in this antiquated, straight, one dimensional path created by us–a few select men–who could no way know you. Who could no way could understand nor represent the varying and limitless qualities all human beings existing on this Earth at this time. Or even into the future.
Evolution isn’t just for monkeys and plants, humans are constantly evolving. And we aren’t just what the scientific journals and old textbooks will have you think we are. There is no limit to what we can do and, with each generation that wakes up, that chooses to live authentically, and that tries to be better for themselves and for their community, they help create more awakened and WHOLE human beings.
Humans who do not want to look outside themselves for answers. Humans who do not want to sit indoors with artificial lighting all day long while LIFE continues happening outside. Humans who do not want to live ONE way. Humans who are accepting of individuality and the beauty that comes with that.
So it is with all of this in mind that I look back on the past year and I just have appreciation for myself. For my younger self who really didn’t have a plan or clue what to do. All she had were a few vague ideas of what appealed to her and she went after them. Even though it didn’t make sense and she doubted whether anyone even cared. A lot of it still doesn’t make sense and a lot of people probably don’t care.
There is no limit to what we can do and, with each generation that wakes up, that chooses to live authentically, and that tries to be better for themselves and for their community, they help create more awakened and WHOLE human beings.
What matters is to be a human being, to be alive, to have a mind, a heart, and a soul. That means you are something. Means that you have substance. You have a purpose. Not the kind of purpose that the world would like to make you think you need to have–one that is inflicted upon you–but an internal source of purpose. To be you. And that’s what this year has been. A year of being me, or trying to see what that could be like. A little more, and a little more, and a little more.
Thanks for sticking with me through all of the changes and growth.
XOXO,
Melanie
P.S. somehow I skipped out on sharing a birthday post last year but, if you’d like to read my blog post from two years ago when I turned 24 (woo!), check it out here: Birthday Reflections 2018
I hope this summer has found you well. I hope you have opened up to discovering the possibilities present. I hope you’ve opened up to ways that you can be a creator of whatever it is you want. If none of that resonates, I simply hope you have been happy.
That’s what I’ve been trying to find, trying to be.
I’ve never been the kind of person who uses the word happy as a state-of-being. Partially because I’m naturally a little manic and fluctuate between feeling over the moon excited, pit of despair depressed, and the most common feeling: nothing. There’s a lot of nothing, dull, boring types of moments in my life. Happy seems elevated beyond ordinary in a way I’ve never felt I could meet.
You know those scales with smiley faces at the hospital that say “rate your pain”? There are usually 10 levels, with 1 being the least and 10 being the worst pain. Somehow, I invented my own scale for my state-of-being with 10 being happy. So if 10 is the best, can you really feel like a 10 all the time? No. Or, at least I don’t think so.
Basically I’ve withheld my feelings of being a 10 and being happy for a while.
You might be thinking: why would you do such a thing? It sounds like you’re making life harder on yourself.
Damn right, I am. Primarily, this is because being a ball of stress and anxiety has been my resting state. That is the way I’ve felt for months and that comes from me forcing myself to do a lot of activities and be in situations that I were just not working for me. I was working in a job I hated, which younger me promised this would never happen again, but here I was. Then, even the enjoyable things I did in addition were filled with a rushed and strained energy. Having majority of my days spent on things I hated made me put a lot of pressure on the things I liked to fulfill my every need. Everything was out of balance.
Another factor to not feeling like a 10 has more to do with long-term planning. I might feel good one day but what if I happen to feel even better on a future day? Saving my 10s, essentially. If I rate my happiness today as a 10 then can that future happiness be a 10? As a human being, or maybe simply as me, novelty of experiences impacts the way I feel. I have largely formulated ratings for how I feel based on the experiences I’m having. If novel experiences are rarely repeatable then perhaps my happiness cannot be either. It’s worth noting that I’m not purposefully doing any of this.
Through lots of self-reflection, I’ve realized I have been withholding feeling happy because it’s something I can control.
Just to unpack this a little more, it’s not a bad thing to be influenced by experiences as a marker for how you feel. Things like: taking a trip, meeting up for lunch at a new restaurant, talking to a friend you haven’t spoken to in years, trying a new activity are just a few examples of first-time or special events that can really make you feel a little something extra on that day. I can even ride the high for a couple of days!
What happens when novel experiences cannot happen, though? During the coronavirus pandemic, my novel experiences have diminished significantly. There are only so many different teas to make and Netflix specials I can sit through before it all starts to feel the same. Life was feeling comparatively worse than when I was more socially active and got to meet face-to-face with people other than my immediate family on a regular basis. I know I’m not the only one going through this but that thought did not bring me much comfort.
Well, surely, if I was to hear everyone is cured and the world is “back to normal” tomorrow that would make me feel better, right??
For a while I thought so…but there’s no amount of time that the pandemic will last that can make me better. That brings me back to my point about placing my happiness in things happening outside of me.
In days of isolation and monotony, I’ve had to not only create moments of happiness but redefine the purpose of my existence. I say this not to be dramatic (I mean, it kind of is!) but because one cannot happen without the other. Naturally, if I seek to allow myself to say I am happy just because, then I am in control of my sense of happiness.
I am happy to be alive today. I am happy to be able to breathe. I am happy to open my eyes in the morning and begin another day.
A year ago, these words would have sounded so meaningless to me. In a materialistic society, like the one I live in, getting things (whether tangible or intangible) is happiness and success. That’s why I’ve had to take a step back and think of how I could make my happiness less dependent on circumstances or the ebbs and flows of life.
As I shed the work and projects that I was doing before that caused me stress, I feel more whole. It’s easier to find balance because I can spend my days the way I want. Of course, still within financial and circumstantial means but it has given me an appreciation for the simple things and a change in perspective that I was very much in need of.
There’s a book I once read for a college English class called Man’s Search for Meaning. Putting aside the sex segregated title, it is a magnificent book written by Viktor E. Frankl about his time at Nazi concentration camps. Frankl was a Jew, a psychotherapist, a father, and somewhat of an important person in his community. As he chronicles the experiences he has in the concentration camps, his pride, his family, his clothing, and everything that he ever thought that defined him were taken away. Basically, he was forced to redefine his meaning of life.
I am, of course, in much more privileged circumstances at the moment than Frankl was in the Nazi concentration camps, but that is why the book still holds lessons of value. It shows how, in the most dire of circumstances, we all have the choice of how we want to define ourselves, what we believe our purpose is, and what determines our happiness.
All this to say, I now see happiness as something I can allow myself.
I’ve been pushing aside feeling good for a while but each day is a gift. It’s a humbling thing to recognize how magical it is to simply exist right now on Earth. So anything else that happens is just extra stuff outside of me but it is not me. This may sound super hippie-dippie but it just feels true to me. If I had everything taken away from me like Viktor E. Frankl, which hopefully it doesn’t have to come to that but, you know, I would like to be able to remember who I am. Instead of being a girl with many selves and different versions of herself navigating the world, I’d like to be a soul that is whole and one with myself.
While I have a conscious understanding of the mindset shift I’m making for myself, that’s not to say it is easy or that I’m now in some blissed out state! I do believe life should have more ease (this is actually a value of mine) so when things feel forced, I know I am not in balance. At this point I’m not above getting upset about things that are outside of my control and I am sensitive to the way others act toward me or each other. So, it’s a practice to find ease. It’s a practice to not make these outside-of-myself-things mine and not internalizing beliefs of others. For my own sanity and happiness.
There are certainly other layers to this but those will have to wait until another day. I’ve just described one aspect in the giant puzzle of understanding myself and my own humanity. I’ve talked about my experience with people-pleasing and removing all of these things outside of myself to help me get closer to my core. I can’t say that the way I view happiness, or purpose, is for certain but I do know I feel more and more authentic to myself as the days go on.
If you’re open to sharing, I’d love to hear how you create happiness and what your definition of that is. Thank you for reading. Consider sharing this on social media, if you like it.
In the human body, we have 7 main chakras and, in Yogic medicine, each of these is where you will find manifestations of ill health or dis-ease. In case you aren’t familiar with them, I’ll go over them briefly because this will tie in to what I share today.
The first one begins at the base of your spine and this is your root chakra. It represents stability, grounding, and all things pertaining to home and safety.
Above it is the sacral chakra and this is where sexuality and creation lies.
Next is the solar plexus chakra which holds personal willpower, strength, and confidence.
The fourth chakra is the heart center and, as you may imagine, holds the powers of compassion, connection, and love.
The fifth, throat chakra, is the portal of communication. As I’ll share in today’s post, that’s where I’ve been feeling stagnance.
Following this is the sixth chakra, the third eye aka your intuition.
Lastly, the seventh chakra is the crown, the connection to the universe and spirituality, and to the collective.
All of this to say, when you feel lost or unsettled, it could be worth looking at where you feel these blockages. Sometimes you can physically feel the blocks in parts of your body. Other times, you may just notice symptoms such as lack of willpower or “no energy” if the solar plexus is underactive. Or immense stress and instability if the root chakra is out of balance. It isn’t necessary to take a scientific approach to this, rather: it is quite obvious when you read about a chakra and take note of qualities that resonate or don’t. Another thing worth noting is that, when a chakra is out of alignment, it hinders the balance of chakras above it. For example, if you are not grounded or with a certainty of your safety (root chakra), then how can you expect to cultivate the six chakras above it? Chakras are like building blocks and one needs another to form a proper foundation for self-growth.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a blockage in my throat, both literally and figuratively. This discomfort in my body has led me to take a deeper look into how I can bring about alignment in myself again.
*As a disclaimer, this post is super raw and I’m just being honest about how I feel and putting it out there because I’m at the last straw here. I hope sharing what I’ve been feeling may be helpful and resonate with someone also struggling.*
Perhaps it’s not evident to anyone except me but I realize lately that I haven’t been using my voice. It happens when I get stressed or feel pressured. Any amount of overwhelm and I clam up. Retreat. Turn inwards. It’s the easy solution. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. No one knows any better.
This seemed to be working for a while until I started getting jaw pain. I’ve had jaw pain before, and it’s something I need to manage, but this felt different. I’m finding myself clenching my jaw in moments to get a grip on a situation or try to control my emotions. What I haven’t let myself feel is the desire to speak. I’ve been holding back and biting my tongue. Holding back to wait for the right time, holding back to not step on anyone else’s toes, holding back to convey my words and my image appropriately.
Fear of what others may think.
What’s the actual block here? I think I just fear coming off rough or callous or straight up ignorant. That’s the worst case scenario in my book. Yet, I’ve been overthinking my words to the point of silence. To the point where I don’t know what to say. For someone with lots of thoughts and ideas, and a zest for life, I suddenly feel empty. Not sad or depressed, just blank. It’s as though I’ve gotten used to not saying anything at all that I am now unable to open my mouth. Unable to find the words to express myself, even if I do want to start talking again.
Limited social interaction while staying at home has made it even easier for me to go days where I utter only a few sentences. Instead, all of the words stay inside my head. They float around like particles in the air until they form thoughts. Sometimes they don’t. There are times when words only stay as words and incomplete thoughts become worries.
A big part of the way I have learned to understand myself is by writing out my thoughts and by speaking. Writing has always been my preferred choice of expression because it feels like a clear channel from my mind to my fingertips. Speaking is interesting, too, because it helps me realize beliefs that I hold that I didn’t know I hold. You know, like when you have an idea that sounds good on paper but once you start saying it aloud to someone else you realize there are some holes in it. That’s kind of what happens with me and talking.
Maybe without my writing practice or platforms to speak, my jaw is tightening up without use and my heart feels empty without passion. If passion is what drives me to speak and I’m willingly choosing not to speak then maybe there is a trickle down effect. Energy seeks similar energy. So if I’m not using my voice, then my jaw will clench up, and consequently, my passions dwindle. Like, why pay for the electricity bill in a house that is vacant? I feel kind of vacant.
The easy solution here is to speak.
I know it sounds super easy but when you’re out of practice, when you’re so used to letting others do the talking, it gets to be really hard to imagine that you have anything at all worth saying. Worth being heard.
There’s a lot of pressure, too. Not from anyone else, exactly…but that could be the case, too. I just feel like I’ve got to say something meaningful or else what’s the point of speaking? I’ve got to give something valuable to others…. That’s actually what stops me a lot of the time. Wondering what others will think.
The funny thing is, if I heard someone else that I care about saying these things, I’d really want to encourage them to open up. I’d say, “It doesn’t matter what others think. It might not feel like there’s anyone to listen right now but that’s because you’re not speaking. Speak your truth and the right people will come.” Just like that saying in Field of Dreams, “build it and they will come.” Okay, yeah, super cheesy to reference that movie but, you know, I really feel like sometimes you’ve got to take a leap of faith even if things don’t make sense now.
When a calling to do something or say something or build something strikes, you can’t shoot yourself down before trying. You owe it to yourself to see what this idea can turn into. If you’re really passionate about this thing (which you won’t know quite how passionate you are until you get started) you’ll naturally attract the people meant to see your work or meant to connect with you.
You can’t build solely for others because where is the heart in that? I haven’t been able to speak because I feel that I’m doing so to appease others. Yet, what would happen if I just spoke because I wanted to and let things unfold from there? Maybe not everything has to have a plan or has to be the most appropriately-constructed words or ideas from the get-go because you can only get better at speaking by speaking. You can only construct a better idea by first testing out the initial one in mind. You never know what something can turn into unless you just try.
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