I hope you all are well and staying safe. I’ve been laying low myself and have come to a comfortable place with the whole stay-at-home situation. For a while I was going stir-crazy but that was before I realized the potential for self-work and growth that this time offers.
There are a ton of lists and videos floating around for things you can do during self-quarantine to help the time pass. I’ve seen them and you’ve probably seen them. However, I don’t want to ask you to go watch Netflix shows for the next few weeks just because you’re staying home. I love Netflix as much as the next person but I hope to enlighten you with some different ways you can make the most of your time in self-quarantine.
This is a list of some of my favorite things to do during self-quarantine to tend to my body, mind, and spirit.
Learn a new skill
Everyone on the interweb is telling you to take up knitting and painting but pick up a skill you like. I’m personally drawn toward creative projects but skills can also be more educational. You can find TONS of tutorials on YouTube for how to fix broken appliances, construction projects using extra plywood you have laying around, or how to use QuickBooks! Yes, you can learn skills to improve your financial organization (do your own taxes!), start an online business, even how to code or do data entry. There is a lot of FREE information available, which is what I’d encourage you to utilize first before buying anything; it just requires a little digging–but, hey, you have time, remember?
Dive into self-work
I know I’m not the only one who had a minor (or major) freak out when businesses started shutting down, news reports of people contracting the virus showered TV and online media sites, or when the government released mandates to stay home. It’s important to be informed but what helped me, and what has helped me for a while now, is turning my fears inside out. After a moment of panic, I try to regain my footing and ask myself why something is freaking me out. Why am I afraid?
One fear is usually attached to another fear. So, if you can take yourself down that rabbit hole, you can get to the bottom of things and create new belief systems. When you engage in self-work, you can use fears as an opportunity to see where you’re unintentionally keeping yourself small or where you’re repeating patterns not serving you. This is honestly a topic that needs more than one tiny paragraph to do it justice but, if your interest is piqued, I’ll direct you to some of my favorite resources to get your feet wet.
Oh, movement, how I adore you. In my earliest days of dabbling with self-care, movement was my way to feel good. Move your body and, naturally, you will flush out stagnant energy and find a new flow. Contrary to what anyone might tell you, there is no “better” or “worse” form of exercise. The best kind of exercise is the one you’re going to enjoy doing. If you don’t have any movement routine at the moment, or if your current one ever feels like a chore, then change it up. You don’t have to be married to ONE form of movement.
In fact, every form of exercise has its own health and mood-boosting powers. The reason for that is because when you get movement in, you take your mind off of stressors or anything else going on. You’re focusing on the activity you’re engaged in, balance, strategy, and potential (i.e. that’s why it’s important to rotate exercises or attempt more advanced movements when they no longer challenge you). So, I think you’ll follow when I say movement challenges your body and your mind. And that post-workout high you get? I’d say that’s your spirit being lifted.
Deepen your faith
Do you have a spiritual practice? Spirituality is our way as humans to explain the happenings of the world and give us purpose. It is once I developed my sense of spirituality that I was able to see myself as more than just a hamster on a wheel (going nowhere). If you’ve ever been told, “things just happen” or “that’s just the way it is”, you’ll know that is not at all comforting. An effective spiritual practice piques thought, proposes reasons for why we go through things in life, and offers possibilities for how to navigate them.
My sense of spirituality isn’t just tied to religion, churches, and prayer but if that resonates with you then keep at it. Deepen your practice, read the scriptures, and have discussions. Additionally, I think talking about our beliefs with a community that is open and receptive is one very important component to spirituality. I have found my like-minded community through podcasts I listen to and online groups on Facebook. Don’t ever feel like you’re an oddball in terms of beliefs–there is a community for everything, you just need to go out there and find it.
Seek out expanding media
This is still bouncing off the topic of spirituality but hear me out. I think a big influence on our belief system is the media we choose to consume. The shows you watch and the things you hear are reinforcing certain ideas. Are those ideas benefiting you? Many times, we don’t realize how ingrained our belief systems are until something comes forward to question it.
Start by finding a resource that speaks to you in an area that interests you. This can be a book, a blog, a podcast, a movie, or anything that piques your interest. Maybe you’re a singer and you’d like to start playing shows live; so, watch some documentaries on singers you admire. If you’re a woman who wants to travel alone but isn’t sure how, try reading the accounts of other women who have done the same. Consuming media in this way is a safe method to explore a subject you’re interested in without any commitments.
Cook something new
Ohhh yesss. If you’re typically an eat-out-at-restaurants kind of person then staying home presents an added challenge–but a fun one! For anyone completely new to cooking at home, my biggest tip is to try recreating a dish that you like ordering out. Cooking, like movement, is a lot more fun when you’re eating/doing something you like.
Those who know their way around a mixing bowl (my first kitchen experimentation was through baking before moving into cooking) but don’t often use a grill might want to try cooking something new. I know cooking can simply be a form of fuel for some and they’re pleased enough with a sandwich but, if we’re talking about learning new skills, it feels really empowering when you can make whatever it is you’re craving with confidence.
It might seem really obvious but staying at home provides a great time to bond with your family or housemates. You all are forced to see each other a little more than usual now and perhaps that has caused some head-butting. I know it has been a little tense in my house! However, talk it out and reconnect with them. Express your intentions and open up the channels for communication. That will make spending isolated time with each other much easier.
Tend to your yard and garden
Those of us who live in a traditional house can use this time to cultivate a visually attractive yard or patio. Trim any askew tree branches, dedicate a spot of land to create a compost, or re-purpose some fresh branches to grow another plant–a no-cost way to get more plants without buying more. If you have packets of seeds, then now is the perfect moment to plant flowers, veggies, or other plants to liven up your yard.
If you’re in an apartment, you can also liven up your space by sweeping the steps, clearing your patio of clutter, and creating a potted plant arrangement.
Relax & Release
Ironically, those of us who have a little more time on our hands might be the most stressed of all! It’s understandable to feel confused and even scared but holding onto such strong emotions can really weigh on you. Movement is one way to ease negative emotions out but also including practices that remind you that you are safe. I like taking a walk, drinking some warm tea while sitting outdoors, or singing aloud to my favorite songs. Let’s also give a special mention to baths because they are so helpful to warm up our muscles and release stored tension in our bodies.
If you’re staying home, this is the perfect time to sort through any closets, under the bed, or any places of storage. Years and years will pass where we just keep holding onto clothes that don’t fit us, obsolete paperwork, or knick-knacks that a friend brought back from their Cancun vacation. I’m not saying you have to get rid of anything but, going through all the corners of your home might reveal some stuff you haven’t looked at in years. When you create space, you make room for new energy, new products, and new opportunities that better align with who you are today (not the you from 10 years ago that saved that stuff).
Let’s also take a moment to give special mention to clearing out social media, email, and online storage. I know you’ve probably got tons of accounts you don’t even know you’re following on social media. Weed them out and you’ll get a feed more customized to what you want. And, instead of paying for additional storage, make use of free services like Dropbox and Google Drive–just stop clouding them up with assignments from college and photos from high school. You know who you are.
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To be honest, many of the items on this list aren’t too different from things I enjoy doing on a regular basis. The only difference now for myself, and probably for many of you, is the amount of time you have on your hands. Some of these things might not directly seem like they impact your mind, body, and spirit but it’s little actions that add to your overall peace and sense of well-being.
This post is an excerpt from a Make It Happen Podcast episode. To hear the episode instead, click here.
More than anything I think we have information overload. We’re processing a whole lot of information on a daily, and in some cases minute-by-minute basis. We hear conflicting ideas from friends, family, doctors, news articles, passer by-ers on the street and…just everyone! Everyone has an opinion and their own way of doing things but you don’t have to care about something just because your friend does.
When you have to process and dissect a whole lot of information, it becomes challenging to gut through all the excess to figure out what you want. As in: the stuff your soul actually wants without outside influence impacting you.
Be cautious of where you’re taking in information from.
We know that many organizations and companies have something in it for them so they can fear monger you into buying their products or following their ideals. However, this can happen much more subtly with people. Often, we go around repeating the same information we have been told or raised with throughout our lives.
Just think back to when you were a kid and how everyone would ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up. I remember adults asking me and I’d answer lawyer, journalist, magazine editor, or whatever my career interest was. Of course, my pool of knowledge in terms of careers was also incredibly small. I don’t feel like I am significantly more aware of careers nowadays because there are just so many. But as a kid, I wasn’t taught to keep boundaries.
I mean, the obvious boundaries regarding safety, yes, I was taught those. There are physical boundaries that one can utilize to stay away from rude, dangerous, or otherwise harmful people or situations. However you can’t always choose what people interact with you or shield yourself from what they say.
That’s where emotional or–actually, I’d prefer to call them energetic boundaries. Energetic boundaries are something I’ve learned more about in the past year. To have these in place means you are able to have outside projections, societal conditioning, propaganda, or misinformation come your way and not take it all to heart.
Here’s how this looks for me.
Lately, what I’ve been trying to be cautious of is the espousal of diet or thin idealism language or ideas. Anyone can fall into this trap because conditioning is so strong and deep. Most frequently I’ll hear people make comments about not being able to eat certain things– that aren’t objectively even bad foods–but they have been told by diet culture that select foods are off limits because they are unhealthy. I also try not to look at anyone’s plate because I don’t need to compare my serving sizes to them, nor do I want anyone else comparing their meals to mine.
Another gnarly thing is when people make comments about what someone is wearing. I have heard both of my parents do this and now with my clear eyes I can see that this was present when I was younger, too. Unfortunately, the people saying these things aren’t bad people. They are victim to conditioning. They heard certain ideas at one point in their life, the ideas were likely reinforced to the point where they became subconsciously ingrained in the person’s mind, and then there these people go spreading the same ideas around.
There is so much more I could probably say on this but for the sake of keeping myself on the subject, boundaries are how we navigate the world because we choose how much space to allow outside influence to occupy into our psyche.
Yes/No
Beyond physical and energetic boundaries, we also have verbal boundaries–the choice to say yes or no to things that either resonate with us or don’t resonate with us. I think it’s a really important practice to say yes or no to everything to give yourself the reminder that you always have a choice.
The people who don’t have their shit together are typically saying yes to things that distract them from what they really need or want to be doing and therefore need to employ usage of the word no.
Another thing that could be happening is not making a decision.
A shrug or middle ground stance strips you of your decision-making power. I’m not saying you have to be a dictator when making plans with your friends but when you feel “eh” about something. This might intuitively feel different for you but for me I initially feel a sense of “blah”. As if I don’t care what happens. But, as I’ve been exploring this decision-making power to set boundaries, I’ve realized I do care and most often the indifference is hiding a no. It’s me wishful to leave an event but not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or being cognizant of my schedule or my ideal bed time (when I’m hanging out late at night) and going along with what those around me want to do even though my heart is telling me this is going to set me back or I don’t have the energy to do more.
As I said before, these are things we really need to practice. There are a lot of temptations and sometimes it’s not a big deal to splurge once in a while. You’ve just got to be aware of what boundaries you value and try your best to say yes to yourself more than others.
On the surface, these may not seem like two opposing ideas–or even two related ideas but they are indeed connected.
For most of my life, I’ve been a holder of expectations. I’d paint a mental picture of the way an event “should” play out, or what I what I imagined I’d accomplish, or worse: how others will react or speak to me.
If you do this currently, I see you and it is totally understandable to want to be prepared and have a plan but actions are not quite as predictable as we might imagine, especially when we are talking about the actions of others. For me, holding expectations only led me to: disappointment, frustration, anger, stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. Why? Because expectations are not reality. They are movies made up in our minds.
What is real are intentions.
Intentions, put plainly, are ways of being. In my experience, I consider intentions to be 1) pertaining to myself and 2) action-oriented. They remove the “wants” or “shoulds” from others and outside events and return my power to me.
My process of intention-setting can take place at the start of my day but, most often, it happens when I feel dis-ease creep up on me. The kind of intentions I like to set are focused on me being the best me I can be–i.e. being kind, loving, peaceful, forgiving, etc. I also set intentions to release. I can get frustrated and tense very easily, so much so that, historically, physical body pain develops even before I realize my own emotions! Although, I’m working on changing that and, the more I connect to my inner self, the easier it gets.
Start connecting the dots.
Anyway, throughout my day, I began taking note of the moments I’d feel the frustration, anxiety, or whatever negative emotion occurs. I then began to see how I was dealing with it. I would not talk about my stressors, I’d bottle them up, bite my tongue, and let the discomfort manifest in my body. I’d clench my hands and feet, scrunch up my shoulders, and stagnate my precious breath.
You may experience different physical symptoms than I named when you experience stressful situations. The thing to pay attention to is what is causing the discomfort.Once you can pinpoint it, then you can start to remedy the situation by speaking up, taking action, or simply releasing expectations of how things should be and focusing on change within.
Let me word this another way. During an oracle card pull, I was shown that I’ve been longing for something. For belonging. Though, to just sit and wish for the connection I desire does not help anything. I have to create what I want to have instead of waiting for it to come. Applying this principle, I have to set intentions for how I want to be (what I choose to see, focus on, and create) and let go of expectations that what I want will come to me. Change doesn’t start outside, it starts within.
Breakdown:
Notice where you feel discomfort
Pay attention to what triggers that feeling
What about the person, situation, or thing is irritating?
Can you change it?
Yes – take action!
No – change your mind!
Set intentions to be truthful with yourself
Toss expectations to the wind! We don’t need them anymore. What is beneficial and productive is holding intentions for ourselves. What expectation can you reframe into an intention?
At this time last year, I was clutching onto the hope of a better future as the sole motivating force to move me forward.
I don’t mean to speak lightly of this but, for the first time in my life, I was having suicidal thoughts. New Year’s Eve 2018 was the culmination of all the feelings of everything that “went wrong” over the course of the year. The future was, blissfully, painted in my mind as a hard-to-imagine dream of a better life.
Yet, that was enough to propel me into 2019 but this year I had a lot of healing to do: starting with all of the baggage I brought with me from 2018.
Before diving into that, I’ll just mention that it’s been a while since I’ve written for my blog. I’ve applied my energy to different places like my podcast, and also shared my heart on Instagram a lot more. You can read or watch some of that journey on recent posts or this IGTV story.
Anyway, in 2018, I dealt with being taken advantage of in different ways: under-appreciation in my workplace, belittling and passive-aggressive attacks from my boss, overextending myself in a relationship that I saw more into than he did. Plus, this was when my chronic health issues began popping up because HELLO, STRESS was at an all-time high.
When I came out of all of that (let go from the job, relationship ended, unemployed for months), I felt defeated–as though I had lost everything. If I look at it now, and even at the time, the situation sucked but a part of me felt I was deserving of better. What exactly? I didn’t know. I knew I wanted better but I didn’t know if that was possible.
So, 2019 brought a lot of much-needed self-work. Some deep subconscious digging to reveal my wounds and unleash underlying trauma. I learned where I gave too much and tested when it is okay to let go. I exercised putting boundaries in place, after being in far too many uncomfortable situations, and discovered where I’m selling myself short. I won’t say this has all been easy (MONTHS of work here) but it has all been monumental for defining a sense of worth and love for myself.
The remaining issue at the moment feels like the hardest thing to manage: my chronic health problems. These fluctuated throughout the year, increasing and transcending into more nuanced concerns as I focused on them.
However, I now see a direct correlation to the issues I was having and my sense of self.
The pain, aches, tightness, and discomfort were FEAR that I had developed a close relationship with. I let fear turn into a security blanket because I knew growing would be uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready to face it. At least staying “here” in what I’m used to is, well, a discomfort I am well-acquainted with. A little SICK, I know. “I don’t have anything if I don’t have my health,” I’d say. So, to match with the areas I felt small in life, I created worries about my own physical body to keep me out of vibrant health. And thus the dedicated health-obsessed me will stop at nothing to solve the ailments! Although, really, I did not need to look far because the solution was in me. Dissatisfaction in life turned into dissatisfaction in my body. Fully self-created. Again, because this is an area (a pain) I could control.
My sense of self has returned this past month–and brighter than ever. I recognize the story I was creating for myself; I hope in doing so, I’ve cracked the code on healing the residual issues I had left to heal. Then, I can focus on other stuff. ACTUALLY moving forward the way I want. LIVING LIFE. GOING ON ADVENTURES. CREATING ART. Yeah, there’s a lot I want to do!
The proudest moments for me are not just what I’ve done but, more importantly, how I’ve grown. And my, oh my, have I done a lot of growing in 2019.
Now is the time to pull all of the knowledge and advice acquired from teachers in their many forms (friends, podcast guests, social media influencers, etc.) to recite my biggest lessons from 2019:
Let go of the idea that things could’ve gone any differently.
If there is something you can change, ponder over it, see what you can do, but if not, there is no sense dwelling on it. The past is in the past. (see more)
Life is beautiful if you allow it to be.
Every experience has led up to this point now. You just make the most of the cards you’re dealt.
The biggest fallacy is that anyone has or will ever have it all figured out. Everyone is at a different place in their life, each with their own struggles and strengths. They’re all just trying their best but you can’t compare one person’s journey to another’s.
There is something to appreciate in every moment.
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” – The Alchemist
You cannot control others’ perception of you. All you can do is focus on being the bestyou that you can be.
Someone else can’t “make you” feel anything.
“If it feels like it’s you versus the world, chances are, it’s really just you versus yourself.” – Mark Manson
“Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.” – Mark Manson
Let go of the belief that you “can’t” do something.
Sometimes you have to do it scared.
“You suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Cynic of the Younger
There is no worse place to sit than in indecision so, when deciding whether or not to take action, always take action.
Let go of the idea that there is only ONE THING. In fact, life will be comprised of many things.
Success comes with trying, failing, and then using that as insight and motivation to make improvements. (see more)
You don’t need to make yourself small to benefit someone else.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from people, opportunities, or things that are not the right fit. The right thing is on its way.
I mentioned some direct quotes above but other lessons on this list are my interpretation of wisdom from many people including the following: Michelle Mercado, Israel Rodriguez, Lacy Phillips, Mark Manson, Michael Bosstick, Alex Coll.
The plan is to keep sharing in 2020, as I’ve discovered just how important expression is to me. So, if you’re sticking around for the journey, then thank you. Truly.
I’ve been waiting for that big thing to click inside of me. Like, the save-all; the missing piece of me that I haven’t been able to put my finger on; the aspect I’ve been ignoring. Perhaps the very thing that I need is in front of me and I haven’t seen it—or maybe I have that backwards: it is inside of me and that’s why I don’t see it.
It’s easy to feel desperate when you’re so narrow-minded, only able to see what’s in front of you
Still…what is that thing? Just as equally deluding as the idea of where the big thing is hidden, is the idea that we only have one big thing. The media glamorizes stories of revelations so it’s no wonder we expect to wake up in bed one day with a soft, shimmering beam of sunlight hitting our faces through the crack in our bedroom curtains. Then, there in that moment, we KNOW the answer to life or, slightly less dramatic, whatever has been on our mind.
However, that’s a fanciful, romanticized picture of what we expect to happen to us. I shouldn’t speak for everyone but, at least for me, I’ve wondered when that moment will hit me. While I actively seek out self-development, I also have a tremendous desperation to find my calling. Did you catch that word? I hold excitement, motivation, and persistence to find my calling, but also desperation.
Where does this desperation stem from? Honestly, I could blame society’s pushiness towards youth to “stop messing around” and “commit to something already” but I blame my own self-created comparison trap. When I compare, I look at others who already seem to be in their passions and careers and make myself feel unaccomplished. For all I know, I could be at the start of my big thing right now, too. As the person on the inside, I can’t see that grand scheme of it all quite yet.
Moreover, there’s also this inkling of a suspicion that I have that negates the whole “we all have our big things” theory. It could be that…
Perhaps life isn’t composed of one big thing but simply a series of small, consecutive actions directed by a common value.
For example, sometimes actors gain fame because of that one movie they made, or writers for that one best-selling novel, or scientists for that one significant discovery. It’s not to say that other bodies of work outside of their claim to fame are any less worthwhile or deserving. Nor are the individuals who do not end up with that one big thing that launches them into fame.
We are intentionally (or unintentionally) holding ourselves back by thinking we need to have ONE THING. In the struggle to find it and make our mark, we beat ourselves up, battle conflict and doubt, try different avenues and, when that isn’t fruitful, we question our self-worth. The more likely problem is not that we don’t have a calling; it is that we are many things. Sure, some areas might shine a little brighter than others but nothing would stand out if all we had was one thing. Imagine that.
It’s the combination of all of our experiences—and never are there any too small—for those are what make up our lives.
Therefore, the big thing that we seek cannot be found on its own. The big thing begins to take form only once you’ve been through enough little things. Let me also clarify that little does not mean unimportant. It is a matter of carrying out enough consistent efforts towards things that interest you. It can be different things or the same thing—it’s all going to help create that larger thing. Perhaps the moment of discovery happens quite picturesque like I described before. Yet, my hunch is that the little moments start to trail into one another and sooner that you know, you’re in the thick of your big thing: your story.
How’s that for a plot twist? Whenever I’ve spoken to mentors, they often admit that they don’t know everything. I think we all secretly walk around thinking there’s some key to life that others have and we just have not discovered yet. Even the so-called “experts” are only experts in their field and must be constant learners. A funny thing that happens once you “know” a lot more is that you realize you really only know a small fraction of everything there is to know. You can only know what you know. It sounds rather obvious but it is also humbling.
The truth is that everyone is just figuring things out as they go along.
So, as much as I would love to peek into the future and have an answer as to what my big thing becomes, I’m also very much about the journey. The single moment of recognizing what my big thing is will not matter as much as all of these little moments I’m living out leading up to discovering my big thing.
As someone who really beat herself up for over 20 years of not knowing what she wanted to do, I feel equanimity in accepting the journey that focuses on the little things. However, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is your perspective on finding your thing? Or, if you feel you’ve found your thing, how did that happen?
In relationships, I’ve always felt like there were people for certain things. I had friends to talk to about movies, friends to go out to lunch with, and friends to have deep chats about the universe with. It plagued me to think that I had to limit my interests or adjust conversation topics if I was with a different friend. Yet, I didn’t know any other way to be. There was always this feeling in me that I had different selves. With each person, I’d show a different and select part of me but, over time, this felt isolating.
From the very beginning, I was trained to have a public self and a private self.
As a child, I was raised by very private, Jehovah’s Witness parents. My dad was strict in his religion so my mom converted from Catholicism when she married him. Some of my earliest memories regarding religion are getting dressed up to go to church and sitting for hours (in kid time) through sermons. Not too unusual from other church experiences, I imagine. However, it was what happened outside of church that really caused division in me.
While church only felt like 5% of my life, it seemed to dictate everything. Among my father’s relatives, they had long known of his belief system and there was a respectful separation between him and his family members. Therefore, I didn’t see too much of them growing up. My mom, on the other hand, was much closer to her own family and tried to make sure my sister and I spent proper time with them. She did the best she could given the circumstances but, since my mom’s side of the family was all Catholic, for nearly the first 10 years of my life, I never went to any holidays, birthdays, or seemingly festive get-togethers.
I have vivid memories of visiting my aunt’s house (on my mother’s side) and playing with my cousins. Then, when it would come time to leave, they’d ask if I or my family would be going to their [insert holiday celebration] special occasion. I’d always get the questions and I’d always wish the answer wasn’t no. My cousins were close in age to me so I felt like I was missing out on a big part of their lives and the kind of lives that I imagined other children had, too.
In elementary school, my teachers were always made aware of my religion but it wasn’t something I could talk about with friends. I was trained to keep quiet about it because “they wouldn’t understand”. I think my mom would’ve loved for me to just go through the “normal” childhood experience of celebrations and holiday activities but we lived in a small town and word would get around. How? Well, there was another kid in my class who also went to my same congregation. He knew I was Jehovah’s Witness so if I slipped up and participated in something I shouldn’t, he could easily tell his parents and they could get mine in trouble.
When there were class Christmas parties or school-wide Halloween carnivals and Easter egg hunts (yupp, my school did this), I stayed home. The only thing I ever remember participating in was May Day and that’s barely a holiday. Sometimes I would go to school for attendance reasons but my mom would often pull me out early or else I’d just get sent to the library or another classroom to read and work on assignments while everyone else was celebrating.
At home, my mom would sometimes do festive activities with my sister and I because she did not want us to feel left out. Occasionally, I’d try to talk to my dad about what was going on at school but he was not as understanding to the woes of a 7 year old. I remember once being at my aunt’s house on a day they were celebrating one of my cousin’s birthdays. They bought cake and simply sang happy birthday. I knew it was something I was not supposed to partake in but I was already there so why not have some cake? I later told my parents and, from the little bit that my kid brain could gather, my father was not happy I was included in that situation.
The thing is…I was living these different versions of me with my mom, my dad, my church, my friends at school, and my extended family. I felt like I couldn’t just be me. I was hiding some aspect of my life from everyone I was with. All I wanted was to be honest and, instead, I was full of secrets.
What the constant secret-keeping created was anguish and insecurity in me. It wasn’t even that I was telling lies; I was just withholding expression of certain thoughts or parts of my life from people. This manifested in other relationships I had as I grew older.
I changed elementary schools a couple of times and at one point I even made up a story about having a twin. Oh, little Melanie was constantly a ball of excitement and good-hearted mischief. Yet, I was also easily embarrassed because I never knew what I could say or what an okay way to behave was. I’ve always felt like I did not fit in and had an alternative way of being (a story for another day) so I told my few friends that I had a twin. The way I played it was that my twin would “coincidentally” be the one who went to school in my place on those days when I said or did something really embarrassing. I apologize to anyone who actually does have a twin but I did not know better at the time!
I was in a total identity crisis and, when there was news others couldn’t handle, I thought having a different self was the answer. I didn’t keep up the twin story for long but, as I got older, I learned to internalize my feelings instead of express them like I did as a kid.
With time, I’ve been able to assess the ways I’ve separated my essence into easily digestible, bite-size pieces just to get along with others. Admittedly, this was reinforced when I was misunderstood by those close to me. I would feel lit up by an idea, dream, or hobby of mine, only to share it and feel squashed or ignored. Moreover, the lack of understanding from my friends says less about their conversational downfalls and more about the kind of people I chose to surround myself with.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be whole.
I had a professor in college who once said that, in terms of relationships, it is a ridiculous thing to think that someone else can complete you. She said, that idea just makes people walk around thinking they are incomplete pieces until they meet The One. The way I see it, the same could be said for relationships with people, hobbies, tasks, social causes, locations, or anything.
In my mixed up state, I sought validation from any source that would provide it. Each of my different selves thought this person or that thing could be the solution to my inner division. However, I’ve learned that my lack of honesty with me is what sabotaged and repeatedly killed me throughout my life. Now, I seek to integrate the varied parts of myself that I’ve spread out in different places and with different people.
It is exciting but there is still a small voice inside of me that has concerns. It is the insecure child in me that wonders what is going to happen if I don’t have any different selves to hide behind as a defense mechanism. All I can presume is: I will be authentically myself.
Thank you for reading! Have you ever felt like you have divided yourself into different selves for different people? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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