☆♥ Multidimensional feelings of the head and the heart☆♥

by Melanie | Feb 18, 2019 | Home, Life, Personal Development

I try to make this blog a positive space while also acknowledging the very real, and sometimes messy, things I’m going through.  I hope sharing my experiences provides you with stories you can relate to or provides some value as far as letting you know that we all have some hardships and things we’re going through. 

I’m actually writing this post from the wooden bench seats inside a local Starbucks, sipping an Earl Grey tea.  Okay, not sipping yet because Starbucks boils the fuck out of their hot water so I will scald my tongue if I even attempt to drink it right now.  Can you relate? 

Sometimes it is something small that brings us together, like our thoughts on (the temperature of) drinks at Starbucks; other times it is a little heavier.  Today I’m going to address love and how that translates from our experiences in our head to our heart.

In the month of December, a friend of mine spoke about how just because some people are not in her life anymore that does not mean they can’t be in her heart.  At the same time, she recognized that she could be in other people’s hearts, too.

We have criteria for judging whether or not someone in our lives is living up to the tile we give them.  If it is a friend or a romantic partner, we have some expectations for what that means.  In my experience, I’ve struggled with having people come into my life and say they care about me but not showing that.  When someone I consider close to me also vocalizes my importance to them, I wonder how it is that we can separate.  Where does the love go?

FRIENDS

For a long time, I was holding onto frustration with a friend of mine who I have known since junior high.  It’s a special kind of friendship when someone has known you since you wore checkered Vans and chalked your hair (every generation has their trends).  There have been times where our friendship seemed to fizzle and I couldn’t understand what changed.  Usually it was the hurdle of distance that we would need to overcome but we would always come back to each other. 

Though, during the past year I have noticed us growing apart in a different way.  Her life is heading in a different direction.  I’m really looking to grow myself and she’s looking to settle down and grow her family.  This isn’t a recipe for a friendship breakup but my efforts to keep up with her are not reciprocated.  She’d put aside hangouts we’d schedule for minor things that would come up.  Rescheduling just never happened and, naturally, I took offense.  I remember her calling me her best friend on multiple occasions so what happened to that? 

I felt like I was always available as a friend to her and she wasn’t nearly as available for me.  Some people might say this is a clear point to move on when I obviously am not receiving the amount of effort I put in back toward me.  Still, I remember when I was important to her.  So, I’ve come to a place where I release the frustration and resentment and just accept.  I think of my friend’s words and muse that, perhaps, this is what love is like now.  I don’t have any less love for her just because I’m not one of the first few to hear her big news or because she can’t meet up with me.  Love has transcended into a more sophisticated sense of respect.  At least, that is what I hold for her…and maybe that is what she holds for me, now, too. 

It was only recently that I started to think of love’s ability to touch our hearts for longer periods than someone’s presence can provide.  Just as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we feel the pain of separation from someone we care about deeply.  Yet, it is with that mentality that I can hold love and great appreciation for a person whom I no longer have around.

LOVERS

I once was asked if I had ever been in love (romantically).  My then 23-year-old-self responded with an absurd sounding number, like 7.  The person I was speaking with made me feel a bit silly because several of those people I was “in love” with I was never in a relationship with.  They all felt important to me at one time though so, if they weren’t all loves, then maybe none were.  I then responded with, “none” as my answer.  I was still met with a skeptical response. 

At the time, I couldn’t quite constitute my thoughts surrounding love but I’ve since recognized that love exists in many forms.  Love isn’t always reciprocated the way I wish.  However, that does not take away from how I feel about a person or the magic they possess.  The memories I have of a person hold a love that is unchangeable.  In this current moment in time, situations may be different but I must fairly acknowledge the feelings of my younger self and the sparks that were so important to her! 

If I do not respectfully label the love I had for a person when I was younger and somewhat naïve as such, then with what marker can I use to assess love in my life now?

The person who was disbelieving of my number of loves was also one of my loves.  After saying 7, and then none, I settled on one.  One was all that mattered then.  He thought I was speaking about my last boyfriend but, little did he know, I was talking about him. 

In my efforts to keep this post somewhat valuable and not just a gushy diary entry, I’ll spare you the details of what transpired between us.  Although, if you’re interested, I have described a little bit about what happened in this post.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I couldn’t help but fall in love with his light and his imperfections the first moment I spoke with him.  I knew I wanted to be with him.  Consequently, for a long time, my perspective on how everything played out was blinded by my feelings.  Feelings which did not allow me to even attempt to wrap my mind around how someone could say he cared so deeply for me yet not want to be with me.    

I doubted myself so much after that.  I doubted my ability to see what I felt was a light in someone else.  I doubted my judgment of what risks were worth taking.  I remember his hurt expression on that dark and distant day when I said I loved him—and that made me doubt my ability to put trust in my heart. 

He and I spent the better parts of several weeks together but I cannot attempt to understand what goes on in someone else’s head.  In the end, all I was left with were his words.  Words that validated what I felt we shared but were accompanied by actions that I disagreed with.  I think many of our relationships can unfold this way.  We say what our heart feels but our head provides the guidance for actions.  This same person once said to me that we are in a constant battle between logic and emotion and it’s hard to decide which one we’ll let win.

For my friendships that have faded and my lovers lost, I cannot hold a space for you anymore.  Instead, I hold onto the memories that touched me and the feelings that changed me.  All of which remind me that love does not only exist in one way.  Love is as free-flowing and constant as you allow it to be.  It is this mentality that encourages me not to be afraid of putting my heart out there again.

The impact of people who have come into my life, for however long they stayed, does not go unnoticed.   Those outward expressions of love that we experienced cannot last but they can exist in our hearts for as long as we desire.  They exist as a reminder that we are alive, we feel, and that love is ours to create and give to whoever we want. 

This post is dedicated to Teresa, whose words about our hearts and love made such an impact on me.

Xoxo,

Melanie.