In my last post, I shared how judgment is the cloud that alters the way we see the world.
When you solely choose to put your sense of value in material things, people, events, situations, or anything outside of yourself, you’re setting yourself up to get hurt. I think it’s totally okay to have a favorite TV show or a candy that makes you happy.
It’s natural to like and want things but we all need to have our own system of self-validation.
If you’ve ever had to compromise some of your wants, needs, or values for something else, you won’t forget that. Those events stick out like a sore thumb in memories. Usually, because they are filled with strong feelings that keep them alive. Feelings of fear, shame, disgust, and discomfort. If you repeatedly allow yourself to compromise on your values, this creates fragmented selves. Remember we talked about this? These are aspects of ourselves that we haven’t allowed to be free.
For anyone reading who thinks: hey, I don’t have control over many of the things that happen in my life; it all started when I was younger–I’ve never had a choice. Respectively, there were likely a number of times as a kid when choice wasn’t always in your favor, or situations around you trained you to believe you did not have a choice. However, if we are ever going to attempt to change anything we need to understand that everything is a choice. It might be so uncomfortable to say NO or cancel plans or set a boundary but these are the necessary first steps to putting yourself first.
How does all of this relate to the way we feel judgment?
Subconsciously, we store all of these memories and pieces of information that then create an internal dialogue that says: I can’t have what other people have because I am unworthy. People don’t just walk around openly stating that they feel unworthy but somewhere deep down, we’ve internalized ideas that say as much. You see, when we constantly let ourselves play second fiddle, don’t speak up for ourselves, or rush to an appointment instead of giving ourselves two minutes to center, we are allowing things to happen to us.
Are you sitting passively in the passenger seat of your life while other people and things are driving the car? Remember it is your life and you’re meant to be driving the car.
In non-metaphorical terms: don’t sit by, letting things happen to you when things could be happening for you.
TLDR: the first step is always recognizing if and where you’re acting out of misalignment. Do you feel like you can’t fully be yourself in even a small way? Next, get to the root and find the trigger. When you can uncover why someone or something bothers you, you can trace it back to how you aren’t meeting your own needs. Is there something you’ve been denying yourself? Space, freedom, rest, basic needs, sleep, connection, etc. Name it.
When you respect yourself enough to give yourself the time, love, or amenities you desire, you don’t hate on other people for doing the same for themselves. Naturally, you’ll know that what they do doesn’t matter and doesn’t affect you.
It’s easier to judge than it is to accept that you want what someone else has. It’s easier to fear something than to admit you’re secretly curious to go learn more and try that thing out for yourself.
We judge other people by what we don’t accept in ourselves.
This may not make sense right away so I’ll give some examples, but first let me talk about repressed aspects of self. We all have different parts of our identity created by interests, people we spend time with, environments, and more. For some of us, these are so unconscious that we naturally slip into one version of ourselves with each changing situation. Others of us are aware of it and we’ll call it “putting on a face” when we have to act a certain way to please an external party. We can be one version of self when we clock in at the office, another version when we meet up for drinks at 6pm, and a different version entirely when we answer a phone call from our mom.
On a surface level, we can all probably imagine how we act a little (or a lot) different in different settings. Some people can be pretty consistently the same person wherever they go but there are always aspects of self that only certain people (or maybe only you) get to see. The different selves, as I call them, are very deeply conditioned by society and upbringing. To know what they are is to be in tune with your subconscious.
A whole and integrated person, without fragmented selves, will see someone else doing something or having something and not feel threatened. What someone else has or does really, truly, does not impact you or take away from you.
A surefire way to tell that you have a separation of identity is when you freak out or get upset when you see someone else disobeying the societal standards.
For example, maybe you dress very conservatively for work even though it’s not your style or you wear shoes that are uncomfortable because they meet the standards of attire. Then, in one day walks your coworker wearing relaxed attire, maybe sneakers instead of dress shoes. What’s your response? If you’re a little ticked off and wondering why they get to wear clothes outside of the dress code policy you’re not the only one.
Some people might fume in silence but the really fired up people might head to the manager’s office and alert them about so-and-so’s clothes. While, yes, technically the person might not be wearing the right attire based on company guidelines but the judgment you’d be imposing has nothing to do with them and everything to do with what you feel. Let me repeat that.
Judgment has nothing to do with another person or thing and has everything to do with what you are feeling.
It can be a number of things brewing beneath the surface that stir up the “threat alert” in your brain (aka is triggered) enough to make you upset or run over to the manager’s office. It could be as straightforward as you hating your uncomfortable shoes and thinking: if I can’t wear sneakers to work, then they shouldn’t be wearing them either! Or, it could be deeper-seated discomfort tied to other things going on.
You’ve probably heard how it’s important to talk about stuff that bothers you because it will just bottle up until you explode. It’s kind of like that. If you’re dissatisfied in any way, those emotions can cloud your views and impact your treatment of other people.
Maybe you haven’t had time for your hobbies or social life so a job or living situation makes you feel creatively castrated. Note: nothing external can make you do anything; triggers only stir up feelings. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with the job itself (I mean, there could be) but it’s the way you’re looking at it that is dissatisfying. All it takes is a trigger, like the person behaving outside of normative standards, and then you apply your frustration onto it. Will calling out someone else make you feel better? Eh, perhaps for a split second but not long-term at all. After this person or thing, you’ll need to find another situation to get upset about. And yes, find. We have to go out of our way to look for problems.
You can play the blame game and name 100 reasons why someone else is at fault but you’re still the one who is holding onto the judgment that is keeping you out of alignment with yourself.
When you stay focused on yourself and create internal sources of validation, you don’t need to search for it outside. People who are in a good mood have this. Perhaps you also know the feeling: when you’re in such a good mood that nothing anyone says or does can bother you; all else rolls right off your shoulders?
Frustration comes from looking outside and viewing others as having something you don’t have. You judge them for it, imagining that they’re somehow better than you because of certain qualities or situations you see but that’s not the whole picture. Likely, it isn’t even the right picture because you’re making assumptions or projecting beliefs based on your own insecurities.
In my next post I’ll further explain how to unpack these denied aspects of self.
She is a female, Dutch bunny who was destined to be a show rabbit at the county fair before the whole nationwide self-quarantine orders were put into place.
In my last post, you read how I had actually adopted a rabbit and had to put her down after 3 short days with her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. I cried and mourned over the soul I had only just begun to get to know and now won’t get to know. Despite all of this, I still knew I wanted a pet rabbit and started hunting around on Facebook for anyone local who may have some available.
Granted, I did jump the gun a little because the day I got my Dutch bunny was only two days after putting down my previous one. So that made it bittersweet and a little difficult to watch Millie skitter around and be cute. At the same time, I knew that through loving another pet, this would be healing for me.
When I first saw Millie all she could do was look at me with her big eyes, begging to be picked up and held.
When I first saw her, she was swamped with over 50-100+ other rabbits all waiting to be sold off. Where did I find this giant collection of rabbits you wonder? Someone local to me was selling them off because the county fair couldn’t happen and I guess the 4-H kids didn’t want to keep their rabbits. (Side note: What?! I’ve never done 4-H but I feel like I’d want to keep my pet if I spent several months raising it and getting attached.)
Anyway, Millie (was previously unnamed; Millie is the name I gave her) was in a cage just staring through the fence with her little baby face. I opened the gate and she was just READY to be pet. I’ve never had rabbits that actually enjoyed being pet so that was something I was looking for with this new rabbit I was in the market for.
I was torn between her and a white Mini Rex with black spots. Both seemed kind and friendly but something about her was funny looking but really cute at the same time. (A friend of mine later said she reminds him of pugs and now calls her a pug-bunny LOL.) Yet she had this docile look on her face that just begged: TAKE ME! So I was like, okay little one, you win.
The moment I brought her home I quickly learned she was putting on a calm front but she is actually a hyper and rambunctious bunny!
Millie wearing her harness for her first outdoor adventure!
I’m talking about electric energy: sprinting, doing little kicks and flips when she runs around, and circling my feet like a little busy-bee each time I see her. So far, she just wants to destroy her cage, mark her territory, and pretend to dig holes in the corners of rooms (she’s wacky!) but, you know, it’s okay.
Of all times, since I am spending uninterrupted hours at home, it’s an excellent time for me to bond with her, play with her, and attempt to potty train her. Fingers crossed! This is part of the fun of having a new pet.
I may not have acquired Millie under the most serene circumstances but I am thankful to have her lighting up my days. She keeps me on my toes. Even better: we’re getting through these times of self-quarantine together! 💗
This is a different post for me and it was hard to write, for obvious reasons, but I hope it is educational and informative for anyone who owns or handles rabbits.
Today’s post is about how I discovered a rabbit of mine was sick with a parasite called Encephalitozoon cuniculi, or E. cuniculi for short. I’d never heard of it myself so I want to put the information out there for anyone else who has a pet rabbit. As a forewarning, I don’t have pictures of what happened but the story is a weird one.
First, let me give you some background on my history with rabbits.
When I was younger, I had pet rabbits. My mom used to have rabbits when she was younger, too, so that’s pretty much how my family started keeping rabbits. My first one was named Buffy and I had him for about 4 years. In 2011 I got my second rabbit, Twix, who really made a lasting impact on my family and me. We had him for almost 7 years. He was a little fussy but he had a lot of character and we taught him to do tricks (like jump on and off the couch).
So, none of us were ready for another rabbit at the time we had to put Twix down back in 2017. Oddly enough, both him and Buffy suffered similar cases of bone density loss and decreased mobility. During the last approximately 6 months of each of their lives, they weren’t able to function as a normal rabbit should. Of course, we wanted them to live a full and satisfying life and needed to do what was best for their conditions. Anyway, that’s what also made it particularly hard the last time around.
I’d begun to warm up to the idea of getting another rabbit toward the end of 2018 but I had a number of my own plans up in the air that I wasn’t sure I could add a rabbit to that mix. However, I did know that whenever I did get another rabbit, I wanted to adopt. I had gotten my first two at pet shops but, with the knowledge I have now, I know there are rabbit breeders and organizations to help adopt them, just as you can dogs and cats. The trouble was, I hadn’t seen any in my area.
Now, let’s flash-forward to March 2020 when I first adopted a rabbit.
It wasn’t until I saw a posting on the website of my local paper advertising a rabbit up for adoption by the Humane Society that I thought: this is it! I was excited thinking I had finally manifested my dream of adopting a rabbit. It seemed SO timely because here in the U.S. we are under quarantine and have shelter-in-place orders. What better way to enjoy being at home than with a pet??
So, I contacted the Humane Society but received news that the rabbit advertised was just adopted. Although, they explained, there are more options for rabbits at the Humane Society and at foster homes. I decided to go to the shelter to see the rabbit they had there. I honestly wasn’t too picky about how the rabbit looked because all rabbits are cute in their own way. I just wanted to get a feel for her temperament. The rabbit they had was an adult female, probably about 3 years old, and of Californian breed. She seemed intriguing; I considered setting up meet-and-greets with some of the foster rabbit owners, but soon decided that the big beautiful rabbit needed a home and I wanted to provide that for her.
It was a process because the Humane Society wanted to get her spayed before releasing her to me. So I filled out the adoption paperwork and was set to bring her home on Tuesday, March 31st. Cool. But all that weekend leading up to her procedure I had this nervous feeling about it. Like, I was worried something bad was going to happen.
I almost couldn’t believe that I was going to get to bring her home but come Tuesday evening, I did.
I brought her home and had a little space set up for her. I knew I needed to be careful not to handle her for a few days since she was still healing from getting spayed. What was troubling was that she didn’t seem to have an appetite or want to move around much. I’ve never dealt with getting rabbits fixed so I thought perhaps she just needs a little time and, plus, this is a new environment for her.
Truly though, she didn’t mind being pet and she seemed very chill! So, I held hope she would come around as she started to feel better. When she didn’t eat her pellets or hay, I had to intercept by syringe-feeding her this supplement called Critical Care that I got from the vet’s office. The rabbit would fuss a little beforehand but if held securely, she’d start to eat from the syringe. So, this is what I was doing on Tuesday through Friday of that week. It wasn’t until right after her lunchtime feeding that things took a turn.
My mom was assisting me with holding the rabbit while I fed her but when we were done, she turned to put the rabbit back in her space. We were sitting on the floor, ground level, and it looks like the rabbit didn’t get her footing. She stood in a funny position next to her water dish. My mom picked her up to rearrange her but she started kicking wildly. “Put her down!” I shouted. My mom let go of her but the rabbit kept kicking in what initially looked to me like a seizure.
It was the craziest and most saddening thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
After seeing that she wasn’t going to be able to stand up properly, my mom quickly scooped her back up and held the rabbit tightly in her arms. Our only guess was maybe she had sprained her leg or hurt her foot and that’s why she wasn’t able to stand and that spiraled her into the seizure-like panic attack. I called the vet’s office where she had gotten spayed and explained what happened, asking if I could bring her in and they said yes, right away. My mom drove while I held onto the rabbit with a towel, firmly holding her body and legs or else she would begin to kick and move.
Again, I thought maybe she had hurt her leg and she didn’t realize what happened. But there I was sitting in the backseat of the car and my rabbit’s body was twisted and one of her eyes was rolling to the side. It was disturbing and I just prayed the vet would know how to help her because what I was seeing did not make sense. She hadn’t shown signs of weakening mobility, balance issues, or anything prior.
We get to the vet’s office and somehow I’m able to transfer her from my arms to the table. I explained what happened to the vet and what we suspected may be the issue. He takes her to get xrays, thinking she may have thrown out her back. Yet, he comes back with the news that there are no injuries. That being said, he believes she has a parasite in her brain.
There is a parasite called E. cuniculi which affects the immune systems of rabbits.
It starts in the kidneys and sometimes they can get rid of it on their own. In mild cases, the parasite can cause the rabbit to lose mobility in its hind legs or suffer from a head tilt. Though, the rabbits can adapt and live, otherwise, happy, healthy lives. The vet said there are medications to treat it but 1) he didn’t have them in stock and 2) they aren’t guaranteed–especially with the state my rabbit was in, which was far past the mild symptoms he described.
In extreme cases, the parasite crosses the blood-brain barrier and forces the rabbits to turn towards one side in a spiraling motion. If I or the vet wasn’t holding my rabbit, she would do exactly that. It was like an endless, frantic spin to one side. The vet said an option was to see if she would come out of it on her own but, again, no guarantees. I didn’t want her to suffer through that because she’d surely injure herself, or give herself a heart attack, if left to just keep spiraling the way her body was forcing her to.
Looking into her eyes and feeling her rapid heartbeat, I felt that she must have been just as confused and frightened about the way her body was contorting as I was. I couldn’t hold her in my arms forever so, unfortunately, the only option was to put her down.
The real question I was asking myself was: why did this happen?
As the vet said, this was a parasite that she must have acquired somewhere. It can lay dormant and not affect the rabbit, sometimes they can fight it off, but it all depends on their immune systems. He said the symptoms can be brought on after a stressful event. “Like getting fixed?” I asked him. While the surgery itself wouldn’t cause this, the rabbit’s immune system could have been in a compromised state post-spay that the parasite now had an advantage over. The vet said sees about three cases a year where rabbits are affected by E. cuniculi but it’s not tied to them getting fixed.
Further research on my own showed me that rabbits are most often affected by it but other animals can acquire and pass along the parasite. The parasite can also be transmitted to humans and is most concerning for individuals who are immune-compromised. It seems that the parasite is spread through urine and high urination levels is a sign that the kidneys have been affected. I didn’t realize it was a problem until then but when I first adopted my rabbit, she was peeing a lot. I thought it was just because she was a big rabbit, so bigger pools of pee.
Since I only had her for three days, it’s hard for me to say what her condition was prior. The Humane Society said she was “fine” when she was there but was she peeing a lot at the time? Was she already losing her appetite? If she hadn’t gotten fixed, is it possible that she had this parasite in her and could have fought it off? Perhaps; but that wasn’t within my power or within my knowledge at the time.
I’m sorry to write a less-than-cheery post but I think this information is important, if only so that you’re aware. Pass it along to anyone who raises rabbits so that they can be informed and look out for the signs. There’s some information online about E. cuniculi and this briefing of a study proved informative for me. The good news is that while many rabbits can contract the parasite, very few actually become disabled or develop the severe symptoms I described. If they are healthy, kept in clean conditions, they should be able to get rid of it and be just fine!
Despite things not working out, I still wanted to adopt a rabbit. Since this incident, I have added a member to my family in the form of a small, Dutch rabbit…so keep a lookout for my next post introducing her!
I think there’s two main mindsets that people have during this coronavirus self-quarantine/stay at home situation many of us are in. There is one camp of people who is thinking of themselves (and perhaps their family unit) and another camp that is thinking of others.
It’s understandable and necessary to make sure you have your basic needs met and are doing things to take care of yourself. However, once you feel like you have your grounding, it’s a nice thing to lend a helping hand for your fellow humans.
Let me also say that lending a helping hand isn’t something we do out of obligation but out of good conscience. It feels good to help others. During times like this, the worst is brought out in some people, but there is also tremendous opportunity to lessen the woes and burdens of humanity by showing some compassion and assisting where you can.
If you’ve been wondering how you can make a difference for others during the COVID-19 Self-Quarantine, here are some ideas:
Create a supply basket
If you’ve already loaded up on non-perishables, hygienic supplies, toilet paper, and such, then consider making a basket for an elderly relative, a neighbor, an expecting mama, or any friend who might have trouble getting to the grocery store for supplies. You can drop them off at their doorstep and give them a call right after. Alternatively, you could package up a box and send it to them in the mail if they live further away. Tip: USPS can deliver packing materials to your home free of charge.
Miscellaneous chores
Speaking of helping friends, neighbors, and individuals in need, ask them how you can be of service. Maybe their lawn is getting out of control and you can help mow it. Over half of the population takes medication, often for chronic illness treatment. It’s not the ideal time to be in stores for the immune-compromised individuals so perhaps you can pick up prescription medications for them.
Support small/local business
Tons of businesses are affected by the current situation. Small and local businesses, in particular, are suffering. Many small businesses rely on their physical shop, community events, or pop-up carts to sell products. Some have turned to online selling, whether through their own website or Etsy, as a means to get by. If neither is available, reach out to those businesses and see if they can ship items to you in the mail. You could Paypal or Zelle them so they get paid and you get your products.
Construct face masks
We all know, or can imagine, that healthcare service-providers are being impacted the most as doctor’s offices, hospitals, clinics, and more are flooded with increasing numbers of people showing symptoms of COVID-19. Whether their cases are severe or not, healthcare workers are at risk all day long! There is a shortage of face masks in the country. Part of that is because the public has been buying up these medical-grade masks, which takes from the medical suppliers, and, thus, healthcare workers, who really need them.
The CDC has information on a couple of ways you can make your face mask at home. Civilians: please use these when leaving your home or interacting with others. If you have the means to, you could also make extra and donate them to a local hospital. Healthcare workers can use the DIY face masks as a coverage for their limited-supply medical-grade ones so that they can keep reusing them.
Share your services
Are you self-employed or do you hold learned skills of any kind? People are still interested in consuming your services but you’re in a unique position to stick with what you’ve been doing or adapt to the current climate. Many individuals/businesses are offering free workshops, webinars, and e-books in any topic you can think of. Free or discounted services are especially helpful for laid off or displaced workers and their families.
Services can also be in the form of entertainment. I’ve seen authors creating short stories to post on their website for free, YouTubers creating more frequent/daily videos or vlogs to keep people educated/entertained, musicians offering charity donations from proceeds of their pay-what-you-can downloaded music, and yoga teachers filming meditations and flows to help their community, since in-person classes aren’t an option right now. Think of what skills you have and how you can share those online at low or no-cost for others.
Adopt a pet
You might be thinking: isn’t this a list of how to help other people? Yes, it is, but helping animals also helps people! Think of it: those who are running or volunteering at animal shelters still have to tend to the shelter animals daily. It might be difficult for them to obtain the amount of volunteers necessary (always but especially now) to keep things running. You can also do a search on Facebook, Craigslist, or any website for local-to-you news and see if anyone has pets for adoption. If you can adopt an animal, that helps lighten the load on shelters or people with more pets than they can comfortably manage. Plus, you end up with a furry friend to care for and keep you company while staying home!
When it comes down to the basics, people might be well-covered but it’s the staying home part that can eat away at our sanity. We can go a little stir-crazy and miss some face to face interaction. A simple but amazing way to help others is by reaching out and offering your listening ears. Sometimes there are physical things you can do to help like some of the things on this list! Yet, other times people may just want to vent, decompress, or chat about something other than the coronavirus. It’s nice to chat and rekindle friendships that we may not have had time for in a while. Reconnect through any of the fabulous video chatting apps we have nowadays or via a phone call.
Don’t forget to celebrate!
You might be reading this and thinking: celebrate WHAT?! Nothing good is happening!! With all due respect, there is still a lot of good happening on a daily basis, even in times like these. Just as it is important to reach out to your friends and family to see how they are doing, reach out to acknowledge their special moments. Many people feel bummed to have to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, or other occasions at home. Celebrate the moments with those you know and be proud of the accomplishments of those you don’t know, like the kind-spirits featured on John Krasinski’s Some Good News YouTube Channel!
How is this list for feasible and helpful things you can do right now? In what way do you plan to help? If you have other ideas or tips to offer assistance during coronavirus self-quarantine then feel free to leave those in the comments below.
Each time I feel I’m recovering and I take a step forward, something else causes me to take a step back.
For a long time, the challenge I had to overcome was admitting that my disordered eating habits were real. I was in denial that I had a problem, which only kept me looping in my restrictive eating cycle.
Unfortunately, things weren’t all sunshine and rainbows after I admitted to myself, and my close circle, that my disordered eating behaviors existed either because the bigger challenge seems to reside in all of the moments that followed.
We live in a culture of “dieting” and with that comes a dogma of food rules.
Many of us hold a belief system that perpetuates ideas such as:
Skinny is better than fat
Fat is bad
Eating less is better
Low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie ideal
We should make healthy choices
Healthy = vegetables and fruit
Healthy involves working out (daily)
And so much more…
This is just scratching the surface on some of the major ideas that we get casually thrown every day in language, both intentionally and unintentionally. The latter is really troublesome because that means we aren’t even aware that we hold such deep-seated beliefs.
If it isn’t clear by now: recovering from disordered eating is a roller coaster.
You do the self-work. Sifting through all of the beliefs influencing your disordered eating behaviors. Asking yourself why and parting ways with belief baggage. Even re-framing some thoughts into beliefs that can serve you.
By this point, you have slowly crawled upwards and finally you think you’ve reached a high where you are all recovered (fingers crossed!). You feel good about yourself but then this tempting little nugget comes across your path to test you. Sometimes it might be easy to walk past it but there are times where you want to try it.
So I did.
For me, the tempting little nugget was this blogger’s recipe book which ended up putting me on two weeks of salt-free, oil-free, sugar-free meals. Admittedly, I was eating lots of fruit and vegetables, no refined starches or sugars, all plant-based…so Ithought I was doing something healthy for my body.
The recipe book involved a plant-based, SOS-free (salt, oil, and sugar-free), food combining way of eating with an initial 3 week challenge period. I purchased it (and just wrote a review on it here) from someone I respect and admire and thought she had found the way! I know, I know…now I look at this like: what was I thinking?
For a while now, I’ve held the self-improvement mentality. I’m always on the hunt for ways to improve certain aspects of myself. I thought that as long as I wasn’t going into a diet/lifestyle with the intention to change my body or weight, I was good. The justification I had was, “I’m doing this for my health!” (BTW: That’s a really messed up thought in and of itself but we’ll get to that.)
The author of the recipe book I purchased even explains that this way of eating is what helped her get rid of a whole host of symptoms so I wanted to feel as good as she seemed to feel. I don’t think she was being misleading in any way, and probably many others could find use in the recipes but I was looking outside of myself for guidance on what to eat. The realization that something was wrong came when I started having MAJOR salt cravings 13 days into the challenge. Typically, the adjustment period for something new is hardest in the first 3 days. But 13 days in?? That seemed odd to me.
There is a Facebook group where everyone participating could chat and share tips, so I turned there for guidance. After two days of basically feeling dehydrated and dying for some salt, I was ready to crack and get back to some of my old foods! But, before doing that, I checked in with the Facebook group to see what constructive tips anyone might have.
If I saw someone else ask the questions I posted, I would’ve said to them: Yo, listen to your body and just add a little bit of salt to your foods–you’re body is expressing a need, here. Instead, this is what I got:
Over 100 views from the group members and all I got was a recommendation for salt-free chips and a salt alternative (BioSalt). Part of me was seeking licensing to stop this nonsense and eat something with salt and not a single person gave that to me.
Trust yourself.
That’s all I wanted to hear.
Who was going to tell me this? If I was waiting for that, who knows where I’d be right now. Thank God I am really in tune with my body and was able to give myself the licensingbecause I didn’t feel right. I can gauge when something I eat feels good inside of me or not. I can tell when my body craves movement or stillness, and when I just need to drink some water.
I keep thinking I need more information and get tempted by someone else who seems to have discovered the secret to ultimate health.
“Health” is a word I used to use in every other sentence that came out of my mouth. Now, I realize everyone has a different idea of health and every dietary theory that is promoted comes from the intention of increasing health in some way. Yet, what someone in recovery needs (and everyone, in my opinion) is to listen to their own body.
Over the years, I have obsessed over every little thing that goes into my mouth. I’ve placed so much value on my health but now that is what makes it troubling for me to discern whether I’m having true healing moments or still actively perpetuating diet culture. This reality has slapped me in the face over and over again in the past months but most recently after trying the plant-based detox, which for me was a restrictive diet. It was a reminder that I’ve made many strides but temptations to go back to my old disordered ways are all around me.
If freedom is what I want, then following a restrictive meal plan wasn’t what I needed or need. I can’t keep looking at the same troubled places for answers. This takes re-framing my methods and not obsessively trying to live based on someone else’s rulebook. I have to stop looking outside of myself for solutions and remind and trust myself that I already have them.
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