On the surface, these may not seem like two opposing ideas–or even two related ideas but they are indeed connected.
For most of my life, I’ve been a holder of expectations. I’d paint a mental picture of the way an event “should” play out, or what I what I imagined I’d accomplish, or worse: how others will react or speak to me.
If you do this currently, I see you and it is totally understandable to want to be prepared and have a plan but actions are not quite as predictable as we might imagine, especially when we are talking about the actions of others. For me, holding expectations only led me to: disappointment, frustration, anger, stress, anxiety, and unhappiness. Why? Because expectations are not reality. They are movies made up in our minds.
What is real are intentions.
Intentions, put plainly, are ways of being. In my experience, I consider intentions to be 1) pertaining to myself and 2) action-oriented. They remove the “wants” or “shoulds” from others and outside events and return my power to me.
My process of intention-setting can take place at the start of my day but, most often, it happens when I feel dis-ease creep up on me. The kind of intentions I like to set are focused on me being the best me I can be–i.e. being kind, loving, peaceful, forgiving, etc. I also set intentions to release. I can get frustrated and tense very easily, so much so that, historically, physical body pain develops even before I realize my own emotions! Although, I’m working on changing that and, the more I connect to my inner self, the easier it gets.
Start connecting the dots.
Anyway, throughout my day, I began taking note of the moments I’d feel the frustration, anxiety, or whatever negative emotion occurs. I then began to see how I was dealing with it. I would not talk about my stressors, I’d bottle them up, bite my tongue, and let the discomfort manifest in my body. I’d clench my hands and feet, scrunch up my shoulders, and stagnate my precious breath.
You may experience different physical symptoms than I named when you experience stressful situations. The thing to pay attention to is what is causing the discomfort.Once you can pinpoint it, then you can start to remedy the situation by speaking up, taking action, or simply releasing expectations of how things should be and focusing on change within.
Let me word this another way. During an oracle card pull, I was shown that I’ve been longing for something. For belonging. Though, to just sit and wish for the connection I desire does not help anything. I have to create what I want to have instead of waiting for it to come. Applying this principle, I have to set intentions for how I want to be (what I choose to see, focus on, and create) and let go of expectations that what I want will come to me. Change doesn’t start outside, it starts within.
Breakdown:
Notice where you feel discomfort
Pay attention to what triggers that feeling
What about the person, situation, or thing is irritating?
Can you change it?
Yes – take action!
No – change your mind!
Set intentions to be truthful with yourself
Toss expectations to the wind! We don’t need them anymore. What is beneficial and productive is holding intentions for ourselves. What expectation can you reframe into an intention?
At this time last year, I was clutching onto the hope of a better future as the sole motivating force to move me forward.
I don’t mean to speak lightly of this but, for the first time in my life, I was having suicidal thoughts. New Year’s Eve 2018 was the culmination of all the feelings of everything that “went wrong” over the course of the year. The future was, blissfully, painted in my mind as a hard-to-imagine dream of a better life.
Yet, that was enough to propel me into 2019 but this year I had a lot of healing to do: starting with all of the baggage I brought with me from 2018.
Before diving into that, I’ll just mention that it’s been a while since I’ve written for my blog. I’ve applied my energy to different places like my podcast, and also shared my heart on Instagram a lot more. You can read or watch some of that journey on recent posts or this IGTV story.
Anyway, in 2018, I dealt with being taken advantage of in different ways: under-appreciation in my workplace, belittling and passive-aggressive attacks from my boss, overextending myself in a relationship that I saw more into than he did. Plus, this was when my chronic health issues began popping up because HELLO, STRESS was at an all-time high.
When I came out of all of that (let go from the job, relationship ended, unemployed for months), I felt defeated–as though I had lost everything. If I look at it now, and even at the time, the situation sucked but a part of me felt I was deserving of better. What exactly? I didn’t know. I knew I wanted better but I didn’t know if that was possible.
So, 2019 brought a lot of much-needed self-work. Some deep subconscious digging to reveal my wounds and unleash underlying trauma. I learned where I gave too much and tested when it is okay to let go. I exercised putting boundaries in place, after being in far too many uncomfortable situations, and discovered where I’m selling myself short. I won’t say this has all been easy (MONTHS of work here) but it has all been monumental for defining a sense of worth and love for myself.
The remaining issue at the moment feels like the hardest thing to manage: my chronic health problems. These fluctuated throughout the year, increasing and transcending into more nuanced concerns as I focused on them.
However, I now see a direct correlation to the issues I was having and my sense of self.
The pain, aches, tightness, and discomfort were FEAR that I had developed a close relationship with. I let fear turn into a security blanket because I knew growing would be uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready to face it. At least staying “here” in what I’m used to is, well, a discomfort I am well-acquainted with. A little SICK, I know. “I don’t have anything if I don’t have my health,” I’d say. So, to match with the areas I felt small in life, I created worries about my own physical body to keep me out of vibrant health. And thus the dedicated health-obsessed me will stop at nothing to solve the ailments! Although, really, I did not need to look far because the solution was in me. Dissatisfaction in life turned into dissatisfaction in my body. Fully self-created. Again, because this is an area (a pain) I could control.
My sense of self has returned this past month–and brighter than ever. I recognize the story I was creating for myself; I hope in doing so, I’ve cracked the code on healing the residual issues I had left to heal. Then, I can focus on other stuff. ACTUALLY moving forward the way I want. LIVING LIFE. GOING ON ADVENTURES. CREATING ART. Yeah, there’s a lot I want to do!
The proudest moments for me are not just what I’ve done but, more importantly, how I’ve grown. And my, oh my, have I done a lot of growing in 2019.
Now is the time to pull all of the knowledge and advice acquired from teachers in their many forms (friends, podcast guests, social media influencers, etc.) to recite my biggest lessons from 2019:
Let go of the idea that things could’ve gone any differently.
If there is something you can change, ponder over it, see what you can do, but if not, there is no sense dwelling on it. The past is in the past. (see more)
Life is beautiful if you allow it to be.
Every experience has led up to this point now. You just make the most of the cards you’re dealt.
The biggest fallacy is that anyone has or will ever have it all figured out. Everyone is at a different place in their life, each with their own struggles and strengths. They’re all just trying their best but you can’t compare one person’s journey to another’s.
There is something to appreciate in every moment.
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” – The Alchemist
You cannot control others’ perception of you. All you can do is focus on being the bestyou that you can be.
Someone else can’t “make you” feel anything.
“If it feels like it’s you versus the world, chances are, it’s really just you versus yourself.” – Mark Manson
“Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.” – Mark Manson
Let go of the belief that you “can’t” do something.
Sometimes you have to do it scared.
“You suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Cynic of the Younger
There is no worse place to sit than in indecision so, when deciding whether or not to take action, always take action.
Let go of the idea that there is only ONE THING. In fact, life will be comprised of many things.
Success comes with trying, failing, and then using that as insight and motivation to make improvements. (see more)
You don’t need to make yourself small to benefit someone else.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from people, opportunities, or things that are not the right fit. The right thing is on its way.
I mentioned some direct quotes above but other lessons on this list are my interpretation of wisdom from many people including the following: Michelle Mercado, Israel Rodriguez, Lacy Phillips, Mark Manson, Michael Bosstick, Alex Coll.
The plan is to keep sharing in 2020, as I’ve discovered just how important expression is to me. So, if you’re sticking around for the journey, then thank you. Truly.
Less than two months ago I was dealing with a unique form of pain that was beginning to really inhibit my daily life. The pain was inescapable because it was on my face: along my jaw, sides of my cheeks, and stretching down into my neck and upper back. Now, this did not develop overnight but over the past year it has gradually been getting worse. I’m all about working on my body and my health by myself but this was a situation that I felt outside help was necessary.
TMJ & clenching my jaw
Let me backtrack a little and say that I believe the pain in my face started after I got my wisdom teeth removed. I did not have any complications post-procedure but I did notice the mobility of my jaw just felt different. So, I hit up my dentist to get a professional opinion. My dentist quickly shut down the idea that there could be any possible link between my wisdom teeth removal and the pain I had in my face.
I take a holistic approach with everything regarding my body and I knowit is all connected. He said I was grinding my teeth and that is why I had the tension build-up in my face. My dentist “diagnosed me” with a TMJ issue, which stands for Temporomandibular joint Syndrome. I was given a referral to a specialist 4 hours away from me but the idea of getting a retainer or physical therapy for my face did not seem appealing. I don’t want to discredit anything TMJ specialists can do but I had literally been doing at least 2 facial massage + mobility exercises a day, jade-rolling, and rubbing various high-potency essential oils on my face for months to no avail. So the issue felt deeper-rooted.
I was at a place where my face felt stiff and swollen 24/7 and simply smiling was downright uncomfortable and painful.
Given the likelihood that I had begun grinding my teeth after my wisdom teeth surgery, I began to work on releasing my jaw. I tend to clench my jaw, fists, and toes when under stress. So, that did certainly make a difference in my jaw but that would only be helpful going forward…there was still the pain that had previously formed which needed to be addressed—pain that can only be described as a constant, bothersome, tension that was deeply embedded in my body. No amount of foam rolling, stretching, and self-massages could release it.
I had been curious to try acupuncture for a while but I have always tried to cure my body on my own. Plus, I inquired about the pricing per session and my insurance was not going to cover it. I’d have to pay full price. So I sat on the idea, wondering if I could find someone else…meanwhile researching on Google how acupuncture has been used to treat TMJ.
The tipping point.
I was already living with constant swelling, a distinct heat and redness on my face, and a “tugging” feeling on the muscle down the side of my jaw. Yet, it wasn’t until I was eating dinner one day where I could hear my jaw making a clicking/popping sound. My family turned their heads in surprise. I did a few jaw exercises to see if that would help but it felt like the bones where my neck meets my jaw were coming out of place and pulling at the tendons in my neck. The sound was unsettling but the tightness and the way my bones rubbed together was worse. My jaw started to tire out and, quickly, it hurt so much I was in tears.
I ponied up and called my local acupuncturist to book an appointment. The blessed soul had availability the very next day.
I can’t speak for all acupuncturists but the way mine works is:
He takes your weight, blood pressure, pulse, and asks what has brought you in. You describe your issue and he takes you to a room to lie down on a bed for treatment.
I was seeking treatment for my face, jaw, neck, and upper back. The first session involved cups and needles but, as the sessions progressed, I would receive more needles than I would cups.
I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of this therapy but I believe cupping serves to draw out tension and the darker areas also provide a guide to the acupuncturist as to where to place needles. So, in my first treatment, I removed my shirt and got cups placed all over my back. After about 20 minutes, needles were placed at various places on my back and neck, and a needle on each of my feet. After 15 minutes, those were removed and I flipped over to have needles placed on my face, neck, hands, and feet.
It is worth stating that I didn’t feel any immediate changes to my pain and tension after the session but I did feel calmer, at ease, and I just steady. At the point of two days post-session, I can safely say about 75% of my pain was gone.
I felt dramatically different but that certainly was not enough for me to stop there. I proceeded to have weekly treatments to target my jaw and neck area. Each time, I’d go through a similar process of cups and needles. The sessions that followed were similar to my first, just with cups and needles placed in slightly different spots depending on where the pain/tension was at. As they went on, the fewer cups I needed to get because the tension I had was also lower. It felt like additional increments of that remaining 25% tension were getting alleviated each time. Even the redness and swelling were gone around session 4.
The purpose of this post is just to describe how acupuncture has helped with my TMJ and shed some light on how it helped!
I don’t yet know if I’ll need to get acupuncture for the same issue again soon or in the coming months but right now I can say that my TMJ has been greatly alleviated. Also, I noted earlier that releasing my jaw makes a difference. Well, now that the pain is largely gone, I can implement that habit and use that for preventing tension from building up as badly as it had.
FInal note: My acupuncture sessions literally became my favorite part of my week. They proved to be so relaxing (even though I had needles stuck in my skin!) that I would nearly fall asleep. Even though this alternative medicine treatment can be pricey, when you’re dealing with an issue that drastically depletes your quality of life, it is worth tending to! I’m extremely grateful to have tried this form of treatment and, if you’re dealing with TMJ or a similarly deep musculoskeletal issue, I certainly recommend giving acupuncture a try.
Life has been far from perfect—but it always is. While I can be incredibly self-motivated, I can also be the single thing that stands in my way. During this past Gemini season, I was all about unveiling my different sides. It felt like push had come to shove and if I want to uplevel, it was time for me to face the aspects of my personality that I’ve been ignoring and failing to integrate.
Today’s blog post is about my experience with emotional eating at this point in my life and how I work to pinpoint the underlying issue beyond the food.
I’ve talked about growing up with the feeling that I had separate selves. I’m still working through identifying those but many have drives attached to growth while other sides of me feel overwhelmed with self-doubt. The shadowy self, as I call it, embodies traits and insecurities that only serve to hold me back. The biggest trait that I’d see come up was emotional eating. At its smallest, it is just a petty habit that provides short-term pleasure. However, when given any power, it will prevent me from tuning into my own voice and true intuition. If I allow it to hold space, emotional eating becomes what fills my void instead of meseeking to fill it throughwhat I really want: personal development and growth!
In the past, I’ve shared a bit about some anxieties I’ve had around food. It is something I deal with on and off but recently it had been an ON issue for me. The interesting thing about emotional eating is that the hardest part is facing what’s really bothering you.
Once you know you are turning to food as a way to consolidate your emotional state, it brings you that much closer to identifying why you’re doing it.
Emotional eating is different from disordered eating.
While the two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, they do have some overlap. Before going any further, let’s be clear about the fact that eating is a basic need for everyone. So, where problems arise is not due to the act of eating itself, it’s the thoughts and behaviors surrounding eating.
Emotional eating is defined as eating that comes in response to negative affections. Oftentimes, stressful situations or fluctuating moods can be instigators for one to reach for food as a coping mechanism.
Disordered eating is a bit more complex to define but it involves frequent behaviors, thoughts, and habits about food which severely impact the functionality of a person’s life. Many people can have disordered eating habits but only the severity to which they impact livelihood is a strong enough determinant of the existence of a problem and possible eating disorder.
I think I’ve had issues with disordered eating before I ever even recognized my own emotional eating patterns. Google has certainly received a fair amount of my “What classifies an eating disorder?” types of questions. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my holistic approach to nutrition, it is that labeling a disorder or illness isn’t the answer. The thing to target is the WHY behind the symptoms.
The way I personally gauge when I have a problem with emotional eating is when I frequently eat way past the point of simply satisfying hunger or pleasure. And yes, it is totally okay to eat out of pleasure! Food is meant to be enjoyed. Eating out of pleasure only becomes problematic when food becomes the main and/or only source of pleasure.
I compensated for my discomfort in self-growth by turning to food.
I realized, through some To Be Magnetic Shadow work, that my emotional eating tendencies come from being afraid to be seen and challenge myself. It’s cringe-y for me to admit that but it’s even more uncomfortable to think of some occasions when I consume a ridiculous amount of nut butter spoonfuls in one sitting (my vice!) and make myself sick. Or the nights I’ve gone to bed with a full, and painfully distended belly because I had a binge.
I was scared to be out of my house around meal times. If I was, I needed to have snacks on me at all times. I obsessively planned what my meals would be in my head. Heck, my money management app even shows that the food and groceries are where the largest chunk of $$ goes. Again, I don’t think caring about what you eat, planning meals, or packing snacks are bad things. I do think each person has different boundaries regarding that.
You need to disseminate if you are controlling when you think about food or if you’re feeling controlled by thoughts about food and eating.
So, that’s precisely what I did. In Shadow work, we ask, how is this keeping you small? I needed to find out what it was covering up.
To do so, I’d ask myself questions like:
What am I not facing?
What person/situation/thing brought this on?
What feeling am I trying to avoid feeling?
I’ve nailed down what I see as two main reasons why I have engaged in emotional and disordered eating behaviors.
A) I was sad or downtrodden about something in my life so I turned to food as a “happy” distraction.
B) The moment something seemed to be on the rise for me, I felt nervous about the changes and resorted to food. At this time in my life the latter reason is what had been affecting me most.
In my case, I had the desire for growth but was limiting the amount of rope to climb up (aka GROW) by holding onto bad habits. I use the term “bad” not to diminish the value of food or eating out of pleasure. Rather, the emotional eating is bad for me because the way I was approaching food was really hindering progression of my life.
Once I identified the habit that was keeping me small, it was time to work through it.
Is it within my control to change?
What small action can I take to rise above the patterns?
Or if it feels like I’m sailing through uncontrollable tides, I ask if these things I’m pursuing are truly what I want?
Am I putting undo pressure on myself to fulfill some *expectation* or is this slightly discomforting thing just a step toward that thing I really want?
Is there a way I can chunk it down so it isn’t as overwhelming?
Many times I find that when the thought of doing something or being with a certain person stresses me out beyond comprehension it is a sign that whatever it is does not speak to my AUTHENTICITY.
I mean, yeah, we can go into a panic when we do something new because we are nervous. However, there is a difference between simply being anxious and legitimately going against your natural path. The life and actions I was trying to follow before were not right for me and every cell in my body was just screaming NO. That’s why I resorted to old habits and that’s why I turned to food as a distraction.
I notice when I say that something is “weighing on me” it often literally feels like there is a weight IN me, too.
The weight is resistance. It is the culmination of old habits ready to be let go of and clinging on for dear life. These aren’t the sort of things that go away overnight. Patterns that have been conditioned out of comfort rarely are. The things that once weren’t a problem can become a problem if abused. Just know that if you can identify it, you can also change it.
The behaviors and parts of myself that I was forced to face in recent time were signaling to me that I was off my path. Once I let go of the habits holding me back, I had room to see what I really wanted for myself and my life moving forward.
I think we are in an era where the term self-care comes up more often than maybe it once did. Self-care is a buzzword that has become a catch-all to describe taking time for yourself. I want to deconstruct this idea a little bit.
We hear the word self-care and what comes to mind? We all think of something right away. Maybe the cliché idea of bubbles baths or Netflix and chill are prominent images. My personal favorite methods are going on a walk, hanging out with friends, or even (back when I had my pet rabbit) petting an animal can be extremely soothing. I’d be curious to hear what your go-to ideas of self-care are, if you want to share with me.
However, I have a modest proposal: we should be doing these things every day.
Self-care things aren’t supposed to be special occasion things. When we spend time on these sorts of activities (make sure you pick your own though—don’t hesitate to choose things you like) they give us purpose. If you aren’t doing something that lights you up every day then come talk to me.
I don’t look at self-care as a momentary thing. I consider the way certain activities make me feel and how they connect to me on a soul level. I ask myself: what’s your why? If you know why you’re doing something, you can attribute more meaning to the things that feel true to you…and consequently, let go of the frivolous stuff that doesn’t really advance you.
Speaking of frivolous stuff, let’s talk social media for a sec.
I am pretty sure the reason behind the creation of any social media app or site is for the purpose of connection and inspiration. If that is how you use it then that means:
a) you don’t use it as a distraction—i.e. no mindless scrolling while on a break or standing in line. You dedicate time to spend because it makes you feel happy, and
b) you feel rejuvenated, creative, or inspired through using it.
Different situations may play out but, at the root of things, I feel both of those items would be in place if you have a healthy relationship with social media. Yet, I’d be more inclined to call BS on most anyone who claims to have a healthy relationship with social media. There really is such a fine line to walk between using it for pleasure and turning it into a trap for self-criticism.
So many people like to utilize their free time on social media but it does not really do anything for them.
You think: Okay, I’m going to spend the rest of the evening on me by doing something I enjoy. Then, you open up your phone and suddenly a few hours have passed and all you have to add to your life is a neck cramp and a treacherous spiral into comparison and self-loathing. I’ve been there!
Let’s not just blame social media though. Heck, maybe pulling up that newly added second season of a show on Netflix isn’t really doing anything for you either. You finish your episodes and really don’t feel much better. Well, maybe a smidge of satisfaction at having watched a show you like but the feeling is fleeting as you start to settle back into reality. Well, let me not speak for everyone here. If binging that second season genuinely makes you feel happy to be alive and inspired to wake up tomorrow, then keep living life exactly the way you are!
Is your self-care time disguising a need for something else?
I can’t tell you what forms of self-care are right for you and neither can anyone else. You have to be the judge of how you are using certain outlets and if they are hindering you from growth or facing other problems. While I think we could all enjoy a distraction from stressful times, whatever problems we have are still going to be there when we end our self-care ritual.
Sometimes there isn’t much that can be done in a given moment. Although, more often than not, I think we have an underlying dissatisfaction with something and we are simply avoiding dealing with it. Maybe you hate your job but it’s easier to have a killer weekend drinking with friends than figure out how to get change your situation. When your finances aren’t in a great state, you might avoid looking at your bank statement because it just feels like a weight on you. If your physical health has dwindled away, it is much more comfortable to keep up your same patterns than have to clean house on habits that are harming you.
If you know me, I like to go deep (how’s that for my new profile one-liner?). There’s a reason as to why self-care activities seem to be super hit or miss or downright cringe-y just to even think about. That’s because the cliché self-care practices tend to offer such temporary, surface-level, momentary satisfaction that barely makes a dent in what is really the issue.
Many of us (though I’d prefer to say ALL of us) have areas where we could improve. We may be aware of what those areas are or we may not. Either way, nothing is ever going to change if you don’t take an interest in getting to the root cause of why you need that clutch of a distraction you’ve been leaning on.
I’ll take longer-lasting effects over temporary satisfaction any day.
At this point, you probably get my drift that I like taking a holistic approach, going deep, and achieving longer-lasting effects. If not, I’d just be bouncing from one self-care practice to the next, never feeling any better that before. I don’t want to totally knock any “light” self-care activities but I think we reach for these because they are all we know or we are afraid to go deeper.
What I mean by that is: we are conditioned to think that when something is bothersome, irritating, or unpleasant in our lives, we need only seek out a distraction that is the opposite of all that! However, if you recognize that the problem persists, that’s when you know the problem isn’t just a passing phase—it is a deeper-seated issue that needs to be addressed.
In the latter case, what we are actually searching for is connection to our authentic selves. Whatever your belief system is, I believe we all have a spiritual self within us that desires more attention than we give it. Spirituality is just one facet of us but I think it plays an integral part in connecting to our purpose and divine guidance. Another name for it is INTUITION. When things feel off, it is not because we are meant to have a sucky life; it is because we are out of alignment with ourselves!
Do you know what the best way to connect to our authentic selves is?
It is literally, so easy you won’t believe me. It does not require a luxurious space, tons of money, or fancy gadgets.
Sit in a quiet room and think.
Yup, it’s that simple.
The magic here is listening to what comes to mind. What are the things that are weighing on you? Are you happy or unhappy with your current situation? Why? What do you want to bring more of into your life?
I know I list these off so easily but they’re not easy questions and it’s not easy to be in such a setting with zero distractions. I admit it is scary to be alone and have to confront yourself with these deeper questions when you aren’t used to doing that. The stuff that arises might be a lot of “I don’t know” answers at first but it gets better after some tries. I promise.
Taking this time to really just sit with yourself and your thoughts, participating in self-assessment and constructive personal development, is what I call authentic self-care. When you truly know yourself, you are your best self.
There are some physical tools for enhancing self-care time that you might find helpful.
I said no fancy gadgets are needed but I will recommend a journal and pen. These simple and easily accessible tools can be super helpful when you feel like you’ve got a basket of trash (thoughts) inside your head that needs emptying. When you write all of that stuff out, your head feels cleared. In essence, your journal becomes an excellent avenue for any-time brain dumps!
Additionally, if the act of sitting in complete quiet seems like the opposite of peaceful, it’s because we are so conditioned to feel like we must always be doing something. I recommend putting on a guided meditation with a focus on whatever specific intention you’d like to work on or just play instrumental meditation music to set the mood. Both of these are great tools to help you get in the right headspace and put you in a state of ease. The meditations can be accessed free on YouTube, too! I’ll link my favorite guided one and instrumental one.
Now tell me, what does self-care mean to you? What makes you feel most connected to your authentic self?
This post was originally published in July of 2018 with the title “How to Make the Choice to Change – Know Your Worth”. It has been majorly updated to provide better information and clarity on choice and making changes.
There are two significant factors which affect satisfaction that I have noticed in myself and those around me. The first is a real, intentional choice. When we make a choice we are exerting our control over a situation that will affect us and therefore having a say in what happens. The second factor that tremendously impacts how we view ourselves and, thus, what we deserve is our values. While choice is the actionable step to help us make a change, what we value is the motivation behind the desire for a change.
So much of what we do in everyday life is a CHOICE.
We choose to get out of bed in the morning or postpone it by hitting snooze for 30 minutes. We choose to cook breakfast for ourselves or drive through any easily-accessible fast-food chain. We choose to greet people with a smile or walk past strangers without a glance. We choose to react when a friend cancels plans or when the store sells out of our favorite shampoo.
Many times, we consider these things to be controlled by outside forces, situational occurrences, or even other people. When we deflect blame or view our lives as a series of events happening to us instead of because of us, or with us, we relinquish our golden power. We abandon personal responsibility which, yes, may mean facing consequences but it also means having the ability to turn a problem around or craft a new plan of pursuit. I’m all for taking a qualifying stance on issues but, when it comes to my life and choices, I don’t personally see there being an in-between. I am either a victim to my life’s situations or I am my own person. I either have a choice or I don’t.
I believe we all have a choice. It is also my belief that my choice and your choice can happily coexist in the world together.
I won’t go into this subject too deeply but I feel the need to quickly address the “lack” mentality many of us carry. The idea that, “If that person over there has success in his/her career then that takes away from the chance for me to have success in my career”. That is a lie. Success (or whatever quality we may envy in someone else that presumably occurred because of their choices) is relative to each person. It comes from each individual’s perception of the quality.
The forms of choice in a day that I described earlier may seem very tangible but a change in perspective also plays a huge role in the course of action behind a choice. We need not be moving to take a fruitful and actionable step. Sometimes we can physically manipulate the outcome of a situation but, more often, change in the life we experience really comes when our mentality shifts. That is: when we can take personal responsibility for all of the things that are happening to us.
Yet, action is only one piece of the puzzle of choice. Action is meaningless without intention behind it, guiding it.
As humans, we are excellent at justification. It is easier to not take responsibility and not be accountable for choices; then, complain about how our lives aren’t going the way we want even though we so badly wish for them to change. It requires almost stepping into a new role as to how you view yourself and the world–and that takes practice. That could mean saying yes to opportunities that align with your interests and no to that which does not serve you. If that does not offer results, then you may need to reassess your values.
Here’s an easy exercise: write down a sentence naming something that you want, but have not been able to achieve, and WHY you want it. There might be multiple reasons behind why you want it so go ahead and list whatever comes to mind. Then, go deeper and ask yourself why you value that. The goal is to get to the root reasoning as to why you feel something will make you happy.
Many times we can hold onto a very materialistic notion of what can make us happy. This can involve things like: earning a certain amount of money, taking a trip somewhere, having a romantic partner, or purchasing much-desired pair of shoes. This is when we are continuously on the hunt for a new shiny toy, big or small, to spark our interests. Other times, what can make us happy it isn’t anything tangible…but more of a goal or vision of who we want to be or where we would like to see ourselves. I consider situations like this to be a wistful postponing of pleasure. In other words, instead of allowing or cultivating things in your life right now, you opt to wait because you believe later will be better. Later you’ll have more experience, be stronger or fitter, be more financially secure, or simply be more confident in yourself.
I admit, I’m quite guilty of this thought pattern myself. Once in a while I will have a period where I slip into the trap of thinking I’ve been taking action but all I’ve done is find reasons not to do something. It can be a sticky situation. I know I want things to change but I also don’t feel the direction I’ve been going is benefiting me as I would’ve liked. So, where do I go from here? It trickles down to values.
On a surface level, our choices may change but that is because our values change. We then feel at conflict when our actions, whether they be physical or mental in nature, don’t provide changes that we desire. It is a constant work in progress–the old cyclical “lather, rinse, and repeat”. Except, with the topic of change, it is: 1) assessment of personal values, 2) actionable choices, and 3) see where that goes! If the outcome isn’t what you want, then lather up again / reconsider what your motivating values are.
I think there is endless opportunity to feel oppressed and resigned to circumstances. Societal norms have crafted an atmosphere where finger-pointing and projection is easier than dealing with our own problems. However, there is equal if not greater reason to make a choice to change that line of thinking into one that aligns with creating happiness.
If you’ve read this far into the post then you more than likely feel that inkling of a desire to create a change, too. Know that it is possible and, while it requires constant upkeep, it is not a chore. It is a gift to be able to make choices that align with our values and create the life we want. We are all deserving of a happy life; so is there any reason not to start making changes today?
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