Branching into your passion and staying true to yourself
In this episode, Melanie joined the very talented musician, composer, songwriter, producer, and singer (did I miss anything?) Fabian Dominguez, more known as Docta Groove. They recorded in his bedroom-turned-studio for this interview and chatted all about how his music process so far!
This conversation is very much a chat amongst friends but Fabian provides a peek into what his personal journey with finding himself has been like and how he finally decided to pursue music as a career. While his humility shines through, it is the value he places in himself that matters most at the end of the day. That mindset is truly what makes him unique, inspiring, and has led to his dedication for continuous improvement—plus, spectacular music!
Less than two months ago I was dealing with a unique form of pain that was beginning to really inhibit my daily life. The pain was inescapable because it was on my face: along my jaw, sides of my cheeks, and stretching down into my neck and upper back. Now, this did not develop overnight but over the past year it has gradually been getting worse. I’m all about working on my body and my health by myself but this was a situation that I felt outside help was necessary.
TMJ & clenching my jaw
Let me backtrack a little and say that I believe the pain in my face started after I got my wisdom teeth removed. I did not have any complications post-procedure but I did notice the mobility of my jaw just felt different. So, I hit up my dentist to get a professional opinion. My dentist quickly shut down the idea that there could be any possible link between my wisdom teeth removal and the pain I had in my face.
I take a holistic approach with everything regarding my body and I knowit is all connected. He said I was grinding my teeth and that is why I had the tension build-up in my face. My dentist “diagnosed me” with a TMJ issue, which stands for Temporomandibular joint Syndrome. I was given a referral to a specialist 4 hours away from me but the idea of getting a retainer or physical therapy for my face did not seem appealing. I don’t want to discredit anything TMJ specialists can do but I had literally been doing at least 2 facial massage + mobility exercises a day, jade-rolling, and rubbing various high-potency essential oils on my face for months to no avail. So the issue felt deeper-rooted.
I was at a place where my face felt stiff and swollen 24/7 and simply smiling was downright uncomfortable and painful.
Given the likelihood that I had begun grinding my teeth after my wisdom teeth surgery, I began to work on releasing my jaw. I tend to clench my jaw, fists, and toes when under stress. So, that did certainly make a difference in my jaw but that would only be helpful going forward…there was still the pain that had previously formed which needed to be addressed—pain that can only be described as a constant, bothersome, tension that was deeply embedded in my body. No amount of foam rolling, stretching, and self-massages could release it.
I had been curious to try acupuncture for a while but I have always tried to cure my body on my own. Plus, I inquired about the pricing per session and my insurance was not going to cover it. I’d have to pay full price. So I sat on the idea, wondering if I could find someone else…meanwhile researching on Google how acupuncture has been used to treat TMJ.
The tipping point.
I was already living with constant swelling, a distinct heat and redness on my face, and a “tugging” feeling on the muscle down the side of my jaw. Yet, it wasn’t until I was eating dinner one day where I could hear my jaw making a clicking/popping sound. My family turned their heads in surprise. I did a few jaw exercises to see if that would help but it felt like the bones where my neck meets my jaw were coming out of place and pulling at the tendons in my neck. The sound was unsettling but the tightness and the way my bones rubbed together was worse. My jaw started to tire out and, quickly, it hurt so much I was in tears.
I ponied up and called my local acupuncturist to book an appointment. The blessed soul had availability the very next day.
I can’t speak for all acupuncturists but the way mine works is:
He takes your weight, blood pressure, pulse, and asks what has brought you in. You describe your issue and he takes you to a room to lie down on a bed for treatment.
I was seeking treatment for my face, jaw, neck, and upper back. The first session involved cups and needles but, as the sessions progressed, I would receive more needles than I would cups.
I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of this therapy but I believe cupping serves to draw out tension and the darker areas also provide a guide to the acupuncturist as to where to place needles. So, in my first treatment, I removed my shirt and got cups placed all over my back. After about 20 minutes, needles were placed at various places on my back and neck, and a needle on each of my feet. After 15 minutes, those were removed and I flipped over to have needles placed on my face, neck, hands, and feet.
It is worth stating that I didn’t feel any immediate changes to my pain and tension after the session but I did feel calmer, at ease, and I just steady. At the point of two days post-session, I can safely say about 75% of my pain was gone.
I felt dramatically different but that certainly was not enough for me to stop there. I proceeded to have weekly treatments to target my jaw and neck area. Each time, I’d go through a similar process of cups and needles. The sessions that followed were similar to my first, just with cups and needles placed in slightly different spots depending on where the pain/tension was at. As they went on, the fewer cups I needed to get because the tension I had was also lower. It felt like additional increments of that remaining 25% tension were getting alleviated each time. Even the redness and swelling were gone around session 4.
The purpose of this post is just to describe how acupuncture has helped with my TMJ and shed some light on how it helped!
I don’t yet know if I’ll need to get acupuncture for the same issue again soon or in the coming months but right now I can say that my TMJ has been greatly alleviated. Also, I noted earlier that releasing my jaw makes a difference. Well, now that the pain is largely gone, I can implement that habit and use that for preventing tension from building up as badly as it had.
FInal note: My acupuncture sessions literally became my favorite part of my week. They proved to be so relaxing (even though I had needles stuck in my skin!) that I would nearly fall asleep. Even though this alternative medicine treatment can be pricey, when you’re dealing with an issue that drastically depletes your quality of life, it is worth tending to! I’m extremely grateful to have tried this form of treatment and, if you’re dealing with TMJ or a similarly deep musculoskeletal issue, I certainly recommend giving acupuncture a try.
Life has been far from perfect—but it always is. While I can be incredibly self-motivated, I can also be the single thing that stands in my way. During this past Gemini season, I was all about unveiling my different sides. It felt like push had come to shove and if I want to uplevel, it was time for me to face the aspects of my personality that I’ve been ignoring and failing to integrate.
Today’s blog post is about my experience with emotional eating at this point in my life and how I work to pinpoint the underlying issue beyond the food.
I’ve talked about growing up with the feeling that I had separate selves. I’m still working through identifying those but many have drives attached to growth while other sides of me feel overwhelmed with self-doubt. The shadowy self, as I call it, embodies traits and insecurities that only serve to hold me back. The biggest trait that I’d see come up was emotional eating. At its smallest, it is just a petty habit that provides short-term pleasure. However, when given any power, it will prevent me from tuning into my own voice and true intuition. If I allow it to hold space, emotional eating becomes what fills my void instead of meseeking to fill it throughwhat I really want: personal development and growth!
In the past, I’ve shared a bit about some anxieties I’ve had around food. It is something I deal with on and off but recently it had been an ON issue for me. The interesting thing about emotional eating is that the hardest part is facing what’s really bothering you.
Once you know you are turning to food as a way to consolidate your emotional state, it brings you that much closer to identifying why you’re doing it.
Emotional eating is different from disordered eating.
While the two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, they do have some overlap. Before going any further, let’s be clear about the fact that eating is a basic need for everyone. So, where problems arise is not due to the act of eating itself, it’s the thoughts and behaviors surrounding eating.
Emotional eating is defined as eating that comes in response to negative affections. Oftentimes, stressful situations or fluctuating moods can be instigators for one to reach for food as a coping mechanism.
Disordered eating is a bit more complex to define but it involves frequent behaviors, thoughts, and habits about food which severely impact the functionality of a person’s life. Many people can have disordered eating habits but only the severity to which they impact livelihood is a strong enough determinant of the existence of a problem and possible eating disorder.
I think I’ve had issues with disordered eating before I ever even recognized my own emotional eating patterns. Google has certainly received a fair amount of my “What classifies an eating disorder?” types of questions. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my holistic approach to nutrition, it is that labeling a disorder or illness isn’t the answer. The thing to target is the WHY behind the symptoms.
The way I personally gauge when I have a problem with emotional eating is when I frequently eat way past the point of simply satisfying hunger or pleasure. And yes, it is totally okay to eat out of pleasure! Food is meant to be enjoyed. Eating out of pleasure only becomes problematic when food becomes the main and/or only source of pleasure.
I compensated for my discomfort in self-growth by turning to food.
I realized, through some To Be Magnetic Shadow work, that my emotional eating tendencies come from being afraid to be seen and challenge myself. It’s cringe-y for me to admit that but it’s even more uncomfortable to think of some occasions when I consume a ridiculous amount of nut butter spoonfuls in one sitting (my vice!) and make myself sick. Or the nights I’ve gone to bed with a full, and painfully distended belly because I had a binge.
I was scared to be out of my house around meal times. If I was, I needed to have snacks on me at all times. I obsessively planned what my meals would be in my head. Heck, my money management app even shows that the food and groceries are where the largest chunk of $$ goes. Again, I don’t think caring about what you eat, planning meals, or packing snacks are bad things. I do think each person has different boundaries regarding that.
You need to disseminate if you are controlling when you think about food or if you’re feeling controlled by thoughts about food and eating.
So, that’s precisely what I did. In Shadow work, we ask, how is this keeping you small? I needed to find out what it was covering up.
To do so, I’d ask myself questions like:
What am I not facing?
What person/situation/thing brought this on?
What feeling am I trying to avoid feeling?
I’ve nailed down what I see as two main reasons why I have engaged in emotional and disordered eating behaviors.
A) I was sad or downtrodden about something in my life so I turned to food as a “happy” distraction.
B) The moment something seemed to be on the rise for me, I felt nervous about the changes and resorted to food. At this time in my life the latter reason is what had been affecting me most.
In my case, I had the desire for growth but was limiting the amount of rope to climb up (aka GROW) by holding onto bad habits. I use the term “bad” not to diminish the value of food or eating out of pleasure. Rather, the emotional eating is bad for me because the way I was approaching food was really hindering progression of my life.
Once I identified the habit that was keeping me small, it was time to work through it.
Is it within my control to change?
What small action can I take to rise above the patterns?
Or if it feels like I’m sailing through uncontrollable tides, I ask if these things I’m pursuing are truly what I want?
Am I putting undo pressure on myself to fulfill some *expectation* or is this slightly discomforting thing just a step toward that thing I really want?
Is there a way I can chunk it down so it isn’t as overwhelming?
Many times I find that when the thought of doing something or being with a certain person stresses me out beyond comprehension it is a sign that whatever it is does not speak to my AUTHENTICITY.
I mean, yeah, we can go into a panic when we do something new because we are nervous. However, there is a difference between simply being anxious and legitimately going against your natural path. The life and actions I was trying to follow before were not right for me and every cell in my body was just screaming NO. That’s why I resorted to old habits and that’s why I turned to food as a distraction.
I notice when I say that something is “weighing on me” it often literally feels like there is a weight IN me, too.
The weight is resistance. It is the culmination of old habits ready to be let go of and clinging on for dear life. These aren’t the sort of things that go away overnight. Patterns that have been conditioned out of comfort rarely are. The things that once weren’t a problem can become a problem if abused. Just know that if you can identify it, you can also change it.
The behaviors and parts of myself that I was forced to face in recent time were signaling to me that I was off my path. Once I let go of the habits holding me back, I had room to see what I really wanted for myself and my life moving forward.
I’ve been waiting for that big thing to click inside of me. Like, the save-all; the missing piece of me that I haven’t been able to put my finger on; the aspect I’ve been ignoring. Perhaps the very thing that I need is in front of me and I haven’t seen it—or maybe I have that backwards: it is inside of me and that’s why I don’t see it.
It’s easy to feel desperate when you’re so narrow-minded, only able to see what’s in front of you
Still…what is that thing? Just as equally deluding as the idea of where the big thing is hidden, is the idea that we only have one big thing. The media glamorizes stories of revelations so it’s no wonder we expect to wake up in bed one day with a soft, shimmering beam of sunlight hitting our faces through the crack in our bedroom curtains. Then, there in that moment, we KNOW the answer to life or, slightly less dramatic, whatever has been on our mind.
However, that’s a fanciful, romanticized picture of what we expect to happen to us. I shouldn’t speak for everyone but, at least for me, I’ve wondered when that moment will hit me. While I actively seek out self-development, I also have a tremendous desperation to find my calling. Did you catch that word? I hold excitement, motivation, and persistence to find my calling, but also desperation.
Where does this desperation stem from? Honestly, I could blame society’s pushiness towards youth to “stop messing around” and “commit to something already” but I blame my own self-created comparison trap. When I compare, I look at others who already seem to be in their passions and careers and make myself feel unaccomplished. For all I know, I could be at the start of my big thing right now, too. As the person on the inside, I can’t see that grand scheme of it all quite yet.
Moreover, there’s also this inkling of a suspicion that I have that negates the whole “we all have our big things” theory. It could be that…
Perhaps life isn’t composed of one big thing but simply a series of small, consecutive actions directed by a common value.
For example, sometimes actors gain fame because of that one movie they made, or writers for that one best-selling novel, or scientists for that one significant discovery. It’s not to say that other bodies of work outside of their claim to fame are any less worthwhile or deserving. Nor are the individuals who do not end up with that one big thing that launches them into fame.
We are intentionally (or unintentionally) holding ourselves back by thinking we need to have ONE THING. In the struggle to find it and make our mark, we beat ourselves up, battle conflict and doubt, try different avenues and, when that isn’t fruitful, we question our self-worth. The more likely problem is not that we don’t have a calling; it is that we are many things. Sure, some areas might shine a little brighter than others but nothing would stand out if all we had was one thing. Imagine that.
It’s the combination of all of our experiences—and never are there any too small—for those are what make up our lives.
Therefore, the big thing that we seek cannot be found on its own. The big thing begins to take form only once you’ve been through enough little things. Let me also clarify that little does not mean unimportant. It is a matter of carrying out enough consistent efforts towards things that interest you. It can be different things or the same thing—it’s all going to help create that larger thing. Perhaps the moment of discovery happens quite picturesque like I described before. Yet, my hunch is that the little moments start to trail into one another and sooner that you know, you’re in the thick of your big thing: your story.
How’s that for a plot twist? Whenever I’ve spoken to mentors, they often admit that they don’t know everything. I think we all secretly walk around thinking there’s some key to life that others have and we just have not discovered yet. Even the so-called “experts” are only experts in their field and must be constant learners. A funny thing that happens once you “know” a lot more is that you realize you really only know a small fraction of everything there is to know. You can only know what you know. It sounds rather obvious but it is also humbling.
The truth is that everyone is just figuring things out as they go along.
So, as much as I would love to peek into the future and have an answer as to what my big thing becomes, I’m also very much about the journey. The single moment of recognizing what my big thing is will not matter as much as all of these little moments I’m living out leading up to discovering my big thing.
As someone who really beat herself up for over 20 years of not knowing what she wanted to do, I feel equanimity in accepting the journey that focuses on the little things. However, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is your perspective on finding your thing? Or, if you feel you’ve found your thing, how did that happen?
I think we are in an era where the term self-care comes up more often than maybe it once did. Self-care is a buzzword that has become a catch-all to describe taking time for yourself. I want to deconstruct this idea a little bit.
We hear the word self-care and what comes to mind? We all think of something right away. Maybe the cliché idea of bubbles baths or Netflix and chill are prominent images. My personal favorite methods are going on a walk, hanging out with friends, or even (back when I had my pet rabbit) petting an animal can be extremely soothing. I’d be curious to hear what your go-to ideas of self-care are, if you want to share with me.
However, I have a modest proposal: we should be doing these things every day.
Self-care things aren’t supposed to be special occasion things. When we spend time on these sorts of activities (make sure you pick your own though—don’t hesitate to choose things you like) they give us purpose. If you aren’t doing something that lights you up every day then come talk to me.
I don’t look at self-care as a momentary thing. I consider the way certain activities make me feel and how they connect to me on a soul level. I ask myself: what’s your why? If you know why you’re doing something, you can attribute more meaning to the things that feel true to you…and consequently, let go of the frivolous stuff that doesn’t really advance you.
Speaking of frivolous stuff, let’s talk social media for a sec.
I am pretty sure the reason behind the creation of any social media app or site is for the purpose of connection and inspiration. If that is how you use it then that means:
a) you don’t use it as a distraction—i.e. no mindless scrolling while on a break or standing in line. You dedicate time to spend because it makes you feel happy, and
b) you feel rejuvenated, creative, or inspired through using it.
Different situations may play out but, at the root of things, I feel both of those items would be in place if you have a healthy relationship with social media. Yet, I’d be more inclined to call BS on most anyone who claims to have a healthy relationship with social media. There really is such a fine line to walk between using it for pleasure and turning it into a trap for self-criticism.
So many people like to utilize their free time on social media but it does not really do anything for them.
You think: Okay, I’m going to spend the rest of the evening on me by doing something I enjoy. Then, you open up your phone and suddenly a few hours have passed and all you have to add to your life is a neck cramp and a treacherous spiral into comparison and self-loathing. I’ve been there!
Let’s not just blame social media though. Heck, maybe pulling up that newly added second season of a show on Netflix isn’t really doing anything for you either. You finish your episodes and really don’t feel much better. Well, maybe a smidge of satisfaction at having watched a show you like but the feeling is fleeting as you start to settle back into reality. Well, let me not speak for everyone here. If binging that second season genuinely makes you feel happy to be alive and inspired to wake up tomorrow, then keep living life exactly the way you are!
Is your self-care time disguising a need for something else?
I can’t tell you what forms of self-care are right for you and neither can anyone else. You have to be the judge of how you are using certain outlets and if they are hindering you from growth or facing other problems. While I think we could all enjoy a distraction from stressful times, whatever problems we have are still going to be there when we end our self-care ritual.
Sometimes there isn’t much that can be done in a given moment. Although, more often than not, I think we have an underlying dissatisfaction with something and we are simply avoiding dealing with it. Maybe you hate your job but it’s easier to have a killer weekend drinking with friends than figure out how to get change your situation. When your finances aren’t in a great state, you might avoid looking at your bank statement because it just feels like a weight on you. If your physical health has dwindled away, it is much more comfortable to keep up your same patterns than have to clean house on habits that are harming you.
If you know me, I like to go deep (how’s that for my new profile one-liner?). There’s a reason as to why self-care activities seem to be super hit or miss or downright cringe-y just to even think about. That’s because the cliché self-care practices tend to offer such temporary, surface-level, momentary satisfaction that barely makes a dent in what is really the issue.
Many of us (though I’d prefer to say ALL of us) have areas where we could improve. We may be aware of what those areas are or we may not. Either way, nothing is ever going to change if you don’t take an interest in getting to the root cause of why you need that clutch of a distraction you’ve been leaning on.
I’ll take longer-lasting effects over temporary satisfaction any day.
At this point, you probably get my drift that I like taking a holistic approach, going deep, and achieving longer-lasting effects. If not, I’d just be bouncing from one self-care practice to the next, never feeling any better that before. I don’t want to totally knock any “light” self-care activities but I think we reach for these because they are all we know or we are afraid to go deeper.
What I mean by that is: we are conditioned to think that when something is bothersome, irritating, or unpleasant in our lives, we need only seek out a distraction that is the opposite of all that! However, if you recognize that the problem persists, that’s when you know the problem isn’t just a passing phase—it is a deeper-seated issue that needs to be addressed.
In the latter case, what we are actually searching for is connection to our authentic selves. Whatever your belief system is, I believe we all have a spiritual self within us that desires more attention than we give it. Spirituality is just one facet of us but I think it plays an integral part in connecting to our purpose and divine guidance. Another name for it is INTUITION. When things feel off, it is not because we are meant to have a sucky life; it is because we are out of alignment with ourselves!
Do you know what the best way to connect to our authentic selves is?
It is literally, so easy you won’t believe me. It does not require a luxurious space, tons of money, or fancy gadgets.
Sit in a quiet room and think.
Yup, it’s that simple.
The magic here is listening to what comes to mind. What are the things that are weighing on you? Are you happy or unhappy with your current situation? Why? What do you want to bring more of into your life?
I know I list these off so easily but they’re not easy questions and it’s not easy to be in such a setting with zero distractions. I admit it is scary to be alone and have to confront yourself with these deeper questions when you aren’t used to doing that. The stuff that arises might be a lot of “I don’t know” answers at first but it gets better after some tries. I promise.
Taking this time to really just sit with yourself and your thoughts, participating in self-assessment and constructive personal development, is what I call authentic self-care. When you truly know yourself, you are your best self.
There are some physical tools for enhancing self-care time that you might find helpful.
I said no fancy gadgets are needed but I will recommend a journal and pen. These simple and easily accessible tools can be super helpful when you feel like you’ve got a basket of trash (thoughts) inside your head that needs emptying. When you write all of that stuff out, your head feels cleared. In essence, your journal becomes an excellent avenue for any-time brain dumps!
Additionally, if the act of sitting in complete quiet seems like the opposite of peaceful, it’s because we are so conditioned to feel like we must always be doing something. I recommend putting on a guided meditation with a focus on whatever specific intention you’d like to work on or just play instrumental meditation music to set the mood. Both of these are great tools to help you get in the right headspace and put you in a state of ease. The meditations can be accessed free on YouTube, too! I’ll link my favorite guided one and instrumental one.
Now tell me, what does self-care mean to you? What makes you feel most connected to your authentic self?
In relationships, I’ve always felt like there were people for certain things. I had friends to talk to about movies, friends to go out to lunch with, and friends to have deep chats about the universe with. It plagued me to think that I had to limit my interests or adjust conversation topics if I was with a different friend. Yet, I didn’t know any other way to be. There was always this feeling in me that I had different selves. With each person, I’d show a different and select part of me but, over time, this felt isolating.
From the very beginning, I was trained to have a public self and a private self.
As a child, I was raised by very private, Jehovah’s Witness parents. My dad was strict in his religion so my mom converted from Catholicism when she married him. Some of my earliest memories regarding religion are getting dressed up to go to church and sitting for hours (in kid time) through sermons. Not too unusual from other church experiences, I imagine. However, it was what happened outside of church that really caused division in me.
While church only felt like 5% of my life, it seemed to dictate everything. Among my father’s relatives, they had long known of his belief system and there was a respectful separation between him and his family members. Therefore, I didn’t see too much of them growing up. My mom, on the other hand, was much closer to her own family and tried to make sure my sister and I spent proper time with them. She did the best she could given the circumstances but, since my mom’s side of the family was all Catholic, for nearly the first 10 years of my life, I never went to any holidays, birthdays, or seemingly festive get-togethers.
I have vivid memories of visiting my aunt’s house (on my mother’s side) and playing with my cousins. Then, when it would come time to leave, they’d ask if I or my family would be going to their [insert holiday celebration] special occasion. I’d always get the questions and I’d always wish the answer wasn’t no. My cousins were close in age to me so I felt like I was missing out on a big part of their lives and the kind of lives that I imagined other children had, too.
In elementary school, my teachers were always made aware of my religion but it wasn’t something I could talk about with friends. I was trained to keep quiet about it because “they wouldn’t understand”. I think my mom would’ve loved for me to just go through the “normal” childhood experience of celebrations and holiday activities but we lived in a small town and word would get around. How? Well, there was another kid in my class who also went to my same congregation. He knew I was Jehovah’s Witness so if I slipped up and participated in something I shouldn’t, he could easily tell his parents and they could get mine in trouble.
When there were class Christmas parties or school-wide Halloween carnivals and Easter egg hunts (yupp, my school did this), I stayed home. The only thing I ever remember participating in was May Day and that’s barely a holiday. Sometimes I would go to school for attendance reasons but my mom would often pull me out early or else I’d just get sent to the library or another classroom to read and work on assignments while everyone else was celebrating.
At home, my mom would sometimes do festive activities with my sister and I because she did not want us to feel left out. Occasionally, I’d try to talk to my dad about what was going on at school but he was not as understanding to the woes of a 7 year old. I remember once being at my aunt’s house on a day they were celebrating one of my cousin’s birthdays. They bought cake and simply sang happy birthday. I knew it was something I was not supposed to partake in but I was already there so why not have some cake? I later told my parents and, from the little bit that my kid brain could gather, my father was not happy I was included in that situation.
The thing is…I was living these different versions of me with my mom, my dad, my church, my friends at school, and my extended family. I felt like I couldn’t just be me. I was hiding some aspect of my life from everyone I was with. All I wanted was to be honest and, instead, I was full of secrets.
What the constant secret-keeping created was anguish and insecurity in me. It wasn’t even that I was telling lies; I was just withholding expression of certain thoughts or parts of my life from people. This manifested in other relationships I had as I grew older.
I changed elementary schools a couple of times and at one point I even made up a story about having a twin. Oh, little Melanie was constantly a ball of excitement and good-hearted mischief. Yet, I was also easily embarrassed because I never knew what I could say or what an okay way to behave was. I’ve always felt like I did not fit in and had an alternative way of being (a story for another day) so I told my few friends that I had a twin. The way I played it was that my twin would “coincidentally” be the one who went to school in my place on those days when I said or did something really embarrassing. I apologize to anyone who actually does have a twin but I did not know better at the time!
I was in a total identity crisis and, when there was news others couldn’t handle, I thought having a different self was the answer. I didn’t keep up the twin story for long but, as I got older, I learned to internalize my feelings instead of express them like I did as a kid.
With time, I’ve been able to assess the ways I’ve separated my essence into easily digestible, bite-size pieces just to get along with others. Admittedly, this was reinforced when I was misunderstood by those close to me. I would feel lit up by an idea, dream, or hobby of mine, only to share it and feel squashed or ignored. Moreover, the lack of understanding from my friends says less about their conversational downfalls and more about the kind of people I chose to surround myself with.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be whole.
I had a professor in college who once said that, in terms of relationships, it is a ridiculous thing to think that someone else can complete you. She said, that idea just makes people walk around thinking they are incomplete pieces until they meet The One. The way I see it, the same could be said for relationships with people, hobbies, tasks, social causes, locations, or anything.
In my mixed up state, I sought validation from any source that would provide it. Each of my different selves thought this person or that thing could be the solution to my inner division. However, I’ve learned that my lack of honesty with me is what sabotaged and repeatedly killed me throughout my life. Now, I seek to integrate the varied parts of myself that I’ve spread out in different places and with different people.
It is exciting but there is still a small voice inside of me that has concerns. It is the insecure child in me that wonders what is going to happen if I don’t have any different selves to hide behind as a defense mechanism. All I can presume is: I will be authentically myself.
Thank you for reading! Have you ever felt like you have divided yourself into different selves for different people? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
Cookie
Duration
Description
cookielawinfo-checbox-analytics
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checbox-functional
11 months
The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checbox-others
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy
11 months
The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
