When all I could think about was food, I knew that was a tell-tale sign that I had a problem. As I’ve been learning about the importance of primary food in my Integrative Nutrition program, I could recognize that I was reaching for food for the wrong reasons. I was reaching for it, not out of hunger but, to fill a void. Sweets, which at one time provided me with satisfaction, were not even doing that.
My mom used to say that when you get your sweet fix early in the day that helps to stave off cravings later in the day. While that might sound plausible, sugar is actually extremely addictive. The body has a way of getting used to added sugar. Consequently, it craves higher and more frequent servings of sugar the more you have it in your diet. I can’t even tell you how many places I had hidden or added sugars in my meals and snacks. That could be sugar in condiments, beverages, granola, yogurt, chocolate, or the plethora of baked goods I was whipping up several times a week.
I’ve talked about sugar here on the blog before but that was nearly two years ago. Nearly two years ago was the last time I went a full 7 days without added sugar! It might not sound like a big deal. If you had asked me even a week before my self-hosted sugar detox challenge, I probably would have said I could stop consuming sugar whenever I wanted. Let me say with full sincerity and zero exaggeration: I was kidding myself and it is a big deal.
My days were comprised of highs and lows and massive cravings—many of which were at night. I like to think of myself as being in full control of myself and situations pertaining to me but, with sugar, I felt like a victim to the energetic rushes and falls it caused in my body. I would feel my blood sugar crash and be desperate for a meal or a snack to balance me out. It even got to the point where it didn’t matter what I would eat or when I would eat because I felt like my heart was racing all the time.
If my reasons for initiating a sugar detox challenge haven’t been clear so far then here’s why I did it:
I was feeling physically sick, exhausted, overly full, and weighed down
If I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about what I would eat next
My mind was increasingly growing foggy and I struggled to concentrate on tasks, let alone my own thoughts
Sugar was a coping mechanism that I used to distract from problems rather than working on solving my problems
Not to lose weight but to manage my weight, which I felt was rising due to hidden calories from sweeteners
To improve my skin (i.e. reduce inflammation and acne)
I was having dramatic fluctuations in moods where I felt emotionally unstable, agitated, or like my head and heart had just run a marathon (sometimes all of those at once)
So that I can be better able to help other people—and I can’t do that without first helping myself
After reading and hearing many studies that show correlation between high sugar consumption and increased risk of developing cardiovascular disease, obesity, or other metabolic illnesses
Most importantly, I wanted to regain control of sugar rather than feeling like sugar was controlling me!
Some of the above areas might not seem like they have a direct relation to sugar and that’s fine. However, I began to notice it would not even bring me the pleasure I once associated with it. So why consume it? In addition, I know that feeling tense and irritated or reaching for food every two hours is not the way life is supposed to be! I’m speaking for myself but I’d say that goes for anyone else out there, too. The food we consume has a direct relation to our bodies. I won’t go into a full tangent about that right now but, simply, the best way I knew I could start feeling better was by cutting out sugar.
So, how did I start eliminating sugar?
I took the same approach as I did the last time I eliminated sugar. From one day to the next, I completely cut out all added sugar. It might sound extreme. After all, changes are usually more sustainable when you implement a few at a time and ease in rather than fully dive into something new. Yet, sugar is one area that I personally feel needs to be cut out 100% so that I can actually notice how I feel without it. If I was to, say, just drop down to having it once a day during a snack, I would still be consuming added sugar. I would still have it in my system, crave it, and plan my day around when I could have it (that was my level of addiction!!!). Therefore, I would not fully be able to access all of the healing that I wanted to accomplish.
My intention upon starting the sugar detox was to spend at least 7 days working on re-structuring my meals with a focus on whole foods. I also wanted to come out of this feeling better and with more stabilized energy! However, I did not set a time limit on how long I was “detoxing”. I just planned to keep it up until I could feel a difference.
Some might say preparing would be helpful. Personally, I do have access to lots of healthy food options. My fridge is stocked with vegetables and fruit and I have a pantry filled with whole grains and legumes. So, it was just a matter of stuffing my packaged snacks and coconut sugar to the far corner of my pantry (out of sight) and focusing on cooking and eating whole foods. If that doesn’t sound like your fridge/pantry, then implementing meals with whole foods might be a better way to begin before trying a sugar detox.
Here is where I’ll break down what I experienced day-to-day. Keep in mind, this is just how I felt but everybody is different so if you do a sugar detox, you could feel different depending on what you eat compared to what your body is used to eating.
Day 1
On the first day, I caught myself getting grumpy at the littlest things. My house can be kind of noisy so I usually wear headphones when I work out but on this day they weren’t working. I wanted to shout at my family for talking and being loud. I realized they weren’t doing anything wrong. It was just me. So, instead, I went to my room to work out and shut the door. Of course, cravings also occurred during the day. By the time afternoon hit, I had a headache.
The hardest habit to break is after-dinner snacks. My sugaraddiction has been very active during the day and dangerously loud in the evenings. Heck, if my sugar addiction was a person, in the evenings it would have held a megaphone next to my ears and shouted to be noticed. I made some sugar-free fudge to help me through the challenge and ate a piece after dinner. (I’ll list the snacks I consumed further down the post)
Food recap: papaya, coconut butter, protein smoothie; socca with cream cheese & avocado; gluten-free pasta with broccoli, tomato, & a plant-based cheese sauce; a piece of sugar-free fudge.
Day 2
My alarm woke me up, as per usual, but my heart was racing! I was still trying to find my groove and overcompensated with an overly indulgent breakfast to stave off cravings. Still, that did not prevent me from getting another headache in the late afternoon. I was trying to limit snacking and that used to be my “quick fix” for a headache. Around 9pm I even felt hungry but I knew I would be going to bed soon so there was no reason to eat anything now.
Food recap: soaked steel-cut oats with unsweetened coconut milk, one of my sugar-free fudge bars mixed in and one on top, plus ground flax and more milk; gluten-free pasta coated in kale-hemp pesto, with kale, romaine, olive oil packed sun-dried tomatoes, & lots of lemon; coconut curry with broccoli, peas, carrots, & red bell pepper; a few snap pea crisps.
Day 3
The headache from the night before was gone. This finally felt like a day where I didn’t have cravings and I felt pretty good. I’m low-key wondering if my dinner was sugar-free because the sauce tasted too good but I wasn’t going to obsess over it.
Food recap: Protein waffle made with pumpkin, brown rice flour, & vanilla protein powder—I ate it in a bowl with milk, cacao nibs, pee pollen, & peanut butter; rosemary sea salt crackers; spinach salad with quinoa, red lentil patties, avocado, tomato, lemon & olive oil, hemp pesto, & roasted red potatoes; Rad Na at a Thai restaurant; raspberry hot tea.
Day 4
I felt myself breaking through some mental blocks and writing was flowing out of me today. Also, despite trying to eliminate sugar, that doesn’t mean I should eliminate naturally sweet foods. This was perhaps the most joyless day of eating I’ve had in a long time! I blame it on the savory breakfast…I felt like I just started my day “off” because of that and, come the end of the day, I was reaching for the only “sweet” thing I could to compensate.
Food recap: chickpea flour scramble with red potatoes, broccoli, green onion, & hot sauce; spinach salad with hemp pesto, quinoa, Greek dressing, & red lentil patties; sugar-free fudge bar; sautéed broccoli, bell pepper, kale patty, beet chips & cream cheese; 2 more fudge bars.
Day 5
I had trouble falling asleep (eh-hem, perhaps from the cacao powder in my fudge) last night. I prioritized the inclusion of naturally sweet foods today and felt much better!
Food recap: chocolate protein smoothie with banana, 3 small dates, tahini, & unsweetened coconut milk; sweet potato with ½ large banana, almond butter, wild blueberries, & snap pea crisps with cream cheese; spaghetti squash with cauliflower bolognese sauce; one sugar-free fudge bar.
Day 6
All of my worst decisions happen after I drink coffee. I should know better by now because it has a way of raining my adrenaline and making me feel like I’m “hungrier” than I really am. And again, I may have been spiked with sweetened almond milk.
Food recap: almond-coconut cinnamon protein pancakes w/ butter & sautéed apple; “quesadilla” made w/ almond flour tortillas, sweet potato, broccoli, hemp pesto, & cream cheese; coffee with almond milk; trail mix of pepitas, coconut flakes, & cacao nibs; chickpea pasta in marinara with broccoli, spinach, potatoes, cauliflower, & vegan cheese; protein popcorn with peanut butter & fudge bar.
Day 7
I’m working on a balance between including naturally sweet foods and also not overdoing it on carbohydrates. I realize I build up this idea of “deprivation” in my mind. That is exactly the sort of mentality that leads me to overeating tendencies.
Food recap: pink lady apple; English muffins w/ sweet potato, half a banana, tahini, cream cheese, and bee pollen; tea and protein popcorn; stir-fried quinoa and chickpeas with greens & lemon water; snacking on batter for chocolate tahini date donuts; one & a half fudge bars.
Day 8
Those donuts that I made last night? Yeah, so, I overbaked them and tried to salvage them but they weren’t good. There’s this weird thing I notice I do where I still try to achieve pleasure from food after I already know it is not satisfying taste-wise. My breakfast made me super full and I felt icky for hours afterwards. The sugar detox is really bringing to light some of the patterns and habits I associate with food.
Food recap: vanilla protein and pear smoothie 2 chocolate tahini date donuts; ginger turmeric black tea with lemon & a large banana; bell peppers and onions sautéed with veggie sausage, served over salad greens with tomatoes, cilantro, vegan cheese, & lemon turmeric dressing.
Day 9
Despite stuffing myself these past several days, I realize I don’t actually need to eat as much as I thought. I used to eat “a lot” but, now that I’ve fazed out the refined and added sugars, I can feel pretty content with eating just plants.
Food recap: chia pudding w/ unsweetened coconut milk & chopped strawberries; blueberry larabar and mango chamomile tea; chickpea cucumber & tomato salad over jicama chips with an herbed tahini sauce; harissa tahini roasted cauliflower with chickpeas served over spinach.
Day 10
Today I used a lot of ingredients but it felt very plant-filled and eating in such a way made me feel “clean”, for lack of a better word. I felt like I was choosing better options and thriving on food in a way I hadn’t in a while.
Food recap: protein cookie dough made with applesauce, coconut flour, almond milk, vanilla protein, and a crumbled up fudge bar; reishi cacao elixir made w/water; leftover veggie sausage with peppers, onions, more greens, cilantro & lemon; fresh orange; pizza made with cauliflower and GF flour for the crust, topped with marinara, vegan mozzarella, mushrooms, & a side salad of romaine, cucumber ½ avocado, lemon, chickpeas, and fresh herbs.
Day 11
I feel like I approached my food with patience and was able to enjoy a post-dinner snack because I wanted a treat and for no other reason. It wasn’t necessary but it also felt like I was taking a balanced approach and that is all I’ve wanted to achieve.
Food recap: Buckwheat porridge w/unsweetened coconut milk, flax, ¼ banana, a tsp of almond butter & a fudge bar; mixed greens salad with chickpeas, cucumber, parsley, tomato, olive oil & lemon; sauté of garlic chickpeas, collard greens, & kale with roasted butternut squash, broccoli, cabbage, herbs, and ¼ avocado; protein mug cake with a drizzle of cashew & coconut butter; reishi cacao elixir.
Day 12
The place I’m at is one of balance. I really feel like I’ve come to a healthy place where I don’t crave sweets. I can do without them but I can also enjoy naturally sweet fruit or, if I’m craving a snack, opt for something more savory.
Food recap: unsweetened coconut yogurt w/berries, cacao nibs, bee pollen; collard green “tacos” with white beans, chipotle mayo, roasted mushrooms, vegan provolone cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, avocado; comfort wellness tea; half a bag of snap pea crisps; veggie stir-fry with brown rice noodles, cilantro, & kimchi.
My thoughts post-challenge
It might not sound like I made too much of a change in my meals and attitude towards food. I bared my honest truth about the struggles I had with overeating and reaching for foods when I knew that wasn’t what I needed. Prior to the sugar detox I was consuming way more sugary baked goods than I’d care to admit, I was drinking kombucha like if it came from the tap, and sweetened yogurts had replaced my plain yogurts. I needed help!
Obviously, behaviors and cravings don’t change overnight. I dealt with those for over half of the sugar detox because my habits still existed; I was just reaching for alternatives. Yet, there was a turning point where I took on a new perspective with food—I’ll have to share about this in another post! Anyway, soon I realized that sweets weren’t satisfying me. They weren’t what I was truly craving and, when I wasn’t filling myself up with food, I felt more vibrant and like a clear vessel for information. The days seemed brighter and I felt happier. It sounds silly, I know, but it is true!
I already have a really particular diet with being plant-based and gluten-free so I can’t imagine adding sugar-free to that list, too. At this time, it is too much restriction for me, personally. Though, I do see that my sugar consumption is something I want to stay on topof so it doesn’t get out of hand again. Therefore I plan to pencil a challenge into my calendar every few months. I think if I can do another 2-3 this year then that will be perfect for maintenance.
Have you ever done a sugar detox? I feel noticeably better and would recommend it to anyone. A 1-3 day challenge may be better to test the waters. Also, if you’re uncertain of how to even approach this, we could work together on removing sugar or any other health goals you may have in one of my 6 month programs! I’ll soon be taking on clients as an Integrative Nutrition Health Coach so stay tuned for that!
I’ve taken a very long break from talking about cycle-syncing but that in no way means it is not part of my life. To this day, I still get questions about periods and menstrual cycles because, for a while, I was quite vocal about my experiences.
When I started melmakesithappen, some of my largest goals at the time were to slow down, tune into my body more, and regain my period naturally. I guess you can say I achieved those goals and that’s why I stopped talking about cycle-syncing. However, I want to bring you guys an update on what I’ve experienced now over a year and a half of cycle-syncing.
Before we dive in, I just want to clarify what cycle-syncing is for any new readers. It is a lifestyle created by WomanCode author, Alisa Vitti, which revolves around the 4 phases of the monthly cycle. We are often taught about the one week out of the month where we bleed but there is SO MUCH going on in our amazing female bodies besides that bleed week. When we start to tune in to the nuances of our bodies, it becomes evident that there are fluctuations in needs and desires for our personal health and well-being.
As women, our hormones are continuously changing and, consequently, what’s most beneficial in terms of food, exercise, or productivity is changing throughout the month, too.
In the past, I’ve talked a lot about the food aspects of cycle-syncing like: how to start, what it was like to integrate different foods, how my mood and energy were affected—which you can read about in my cycle-syncing posts here. Additionally, I have a post that describes how I got into cycle-syncing after I lost my period and methods that helped me bring it back! Those posts might be worth checking out if you are struggling with period-related discomfort or want to learn more about how to cycle-sync.
Today, however, I will be focusing on the lifestyle parts of cycle-syncing, mostly in terms of productivity and self-care! The information is particularly helpful if you’ve started cycle-syncing food and want to see changes in other areas of your life. The cycle definitely contains some powerful tools to maximize work flow simply by tapping into your natural feminine energies! 😉
The way I like to think of my cycle is systematic in terms of how to channel my fluctuating stream of energy. The first half of a cycle in largely extroverted and leans towards creation and development. Whereas, the second half of a cycle is increasingly introverted and primarily steered towards assessment and reevaluating the actions began in the first half.
That is not to say that a person can’t work on evaluative tasks in the first half of a cycle or what have you. These are simply guidelines from my readings (i.e. WomanCode) and my personal experimentation that has led me to see where my energy is best applied. Keep reading for further elaboration of this unique energy categorized by each of the four cycle phases.
Follicular Phase
The first 7 days following the bleed week are basically a time of renewal and rebirth (no pun intended). I notice that my mind feels so much clearer with each passing day and ideas run rampant. Follicular phase is ideal for planning and starting new habits or projects. Personally, this phase gives me a load of confidence to make a huge list of goals that I seek to accomplish. At the same time, I have to be careful not to be overly-ambitious and attempt to tackle more than reasonably possible.
With a great deal of energy, comes a great potential for exploration.
My physical body is invigorated and my mind is primed for learning! I feel like I just want to grow, take in new ideas, try new things, challenge myself with tasks and physical exercises—and overall just step into my own power. I feel alive and want to apply myself towards self-development and, often, educational types of activities—like listening to podcasts. This phase is one of my favorites because I feel like no idea is too small and no opportunity is too daunting. I want to do it all and that sort of zest for life is exciting stuff!
Ovulatory Phase
A significantly shorter phase than follicular but, undoubtedly, even more energy-filled! As any other woman who tracks her cycle will probably attest to, ovulation is amazing. The benefits extend far beyond peak fertility (for those who are trying to get pregnant) though. I feel better about myself (thanks to those hormones!) and I notice that my physical stamina is at an all-time high. It is near impossible for me to sit still to work on a task so I find myself exercising a lot at this time. I love running, doing cardio intervals, or anything that keeps me moving.
Additionally, social hour is not only appealing but fulfilling. I want to be around people and I feel like I have some of my best conversations at this time. It is apparent to me that my thoughts are clear and able to be formed into coherent sentences—which is not always the case (we’ll get to that). Otherwise, ovulatory phase makes for an excellent time to start tackling the logistics of any ideas developed during the follicular phase and applying them.
Luteal Phase
I personally love the first part of the luteal phase because it combines the high energy from ovulation with the analytical skills this phase is known for. I can easily carry out many of the same actions I pursued during ovulation for the first 7-10 days but I also have a growing patience to sit and work on projects for a longer period of time. It’s the time to settle down and fine tune whatever habits or projects I started earlier in my cycle. Also, the length of a luteal phase will vary from woman to woman but it is often distinguishable by higher energy descending into lower energy.
To put it plainly, luteal phase is all about housekeeping, both literally and figuratively. I find my eyes narrow down on minute details that I may not have noticed before. In work tasks, I can be overtaken by an immense drive to fix a small, technical aspect of my blog or sort through my email inbox. The domestic sphere also becomes very important, as this underlying idea of “preparation” takes root in my brain. I am more inclined to tackle chores to keep my space clean or trek out to 5 different stores to buy some very specific items on my grocery/wish list. It’s a “get things done” attitude.
Despite the motivation to get things in order, the energy expenditure takes a toll and self-care rises in priority. Of course, we should be taking time to do little things for ourselves daily but, during the second half of luteal phase (about 5 days before the period), it feels necessary. My inclination is to tune into myself and get to the bottom of any problems that have been growing in my mind. I won’t describe details too much here but I tap into self-healing modalities (more than usual) like meditating with my crystals, writing in my journal, and simply becoming spiritually aware of myself to better my relationship with myself. Plus, my days are filled with many impromptu foot massages, vinyasa yoga, cups of hot tea, or, if I can make the time, a delicious bath may also happen.
Personally, I always want to make the most out of my days so it can be hard to deal with lower energy and brain fog (which makes it hard for me to form a coherent thought!) or other occasional premenstrual symptoms*. So, I take those signs as forced incentive to shut down my laptop and take things easy. It is okay to push myself but I also try to recognize when a little Netflix and chill will suit my energy needs better. Self-care doesn’t need to be anything fancy; it just needs to feel good.
*Something I mentioned that I want to address is premenstrual symptoms. Mine are occasional but that is only a result of long-term cycle-syncing and learning to treat my body well throughout—especially the earlier part of—my cycle (i.e. keep stress to a minimum, eat nourishing food to keep my blood sugar and adrenals stable, etc). I notice when I eat processed food or pursue endeavors that don’t support my emotional and physical well-being, they catch up with me and hit me hard during menstruation.
Menstrual Phase
As I’ve been cycle-syncing for a while, I can sense the approach of my period without even looking at a calendar. Naturally, I’ll continue the lighter movement and less stimulating activities that I took up towards the end of the luteal phase. The way I view the menstrual phase is as a sort of culmination of everything that I have been working on and everything that I have been going through now catches up to me.
Being on my period doesn’t necessarily equal sleep-all-day, low energy like societal stigmas may suggest. At times, I feel restless and even eager to move into more productive activities but my body and mind are not always synced. This is when it becomes crucial to listen to individual needs which will change month to month. Emotions and sensations are also heightened so, at this time, I try to respect my body’s process and tap into the unique wisdom it has to offer.
This phase can feel like coming up for air after being stuck underwater for so long. It can also feel like a punch in the gut if you have neglected your listening to your intuition all month. Nonetheless, both scenarios and everything in between is refreshing.
I am more attuned to recognize things that I need to let go of…whether that be people, habits, or ideas about my self-worth. It helps to dedicate time to self-evaluation and the self-healing modalities I mentioned earlier because this is where insight about what next steps to take or messages of inspiration presents itself.
While I wrote much of the cycle phase break downs from my perspective, I do feel quite aligned with the cycle-syncing lifestyle. The thoughts and challenges that I face are not what you will face during your cycle but I am willing to bet they may feel very similar.
If you are a woman, or know a woman who can benefit from this post, I hope it helps you consider the idea of tuning into your cycle. It is free; it doesn’t require much except a slight alteration of activities to make the most of your fluctuating energy. I admit, it has taken me some time to reach this place but I feel like I am better able to tap into my power, utilize my skills, and accomplish that which I desire because of cycle-syncing.
If you have any questions, feel free to drop them in the comments or send me an email/DM and I’d be glad to chat with you.
Lastly, cycle-syncing is the creation of Alisa Vitti, the author of WomanCode and floliving.com. I’m not being paid to endorse cycle-syncing but much of my education on the subject has come from reading WomanCode. All experiences outlined in this post are my own.
Today I’m sharing my biggest takeaways from blogger and self-help extraordinaire Mark Manson’s ground-breaking novel The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck.
I’ve been on a mission of self-improvement and, in doing so, slowly funding the self-help genre of books. I’ve been avidly seeking out this genre of nonfiction for new perspectives. You guys know I love finding new ways to look at a situation and I think doing so also helps make me more creative.
One of my biggest struggles of daily life is caring too much. That might sound like a petty problem on the surface but I’ve felt it hinder me all throughout my life. After discovering I was an empath and highly sensitive person a few years ago, I had an explanation for my overly-caring tendencies but not a solution. I would still struggle in my abilities to understand myself and come to terms with situations that I need to move on from.
I remember hearing people buzz about the book when it was first released a few years back but I was on a YA-genre diet of books exclusively. It wasn’t until this past December when I came across Mark Manson’s blog that I became hooked on his words. Not to be dramatic but he is basically all that I aspire to be as a writer. His material is thoughtful and relatable, as it touches on areas of life that we are always (whether knowingly or not) trying to improve in. So, after burning through many of his articles, I knew I wanted to pick up his book.
One additional thing that I want to mention is that his writing takes a very real approach to overcoming ruts and obstacles. Some self-help gurus out there will hit you with tough love to push you to change. Others are too gentle—almost using too much of a self-love approach—so that you become comfortable with accepting things as they are. Manson meets us right in the middle so that everyone can work on themselves and on giving less fucks where fucks don’t belong.
I won’t dive too deep into the details of the book because I want you guys to all go out there and read it. It helped me out so much and, if you’re a regular reader around here, it could probably help you out, too.
Eight of the Most Important Takeaways from The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (i.e. the ones that resonated with me the most!)
Reserve your fucks for what matters
Not giving fucks is not about not caring. (That’s a lot of negatives in that sentence so I’ll repeat it.) Not giving fucks is not about not caring. Instead, it is about understanding that we don’t need to give a fuck about everything. We just need to give a fuck about something meaningful and important to us.
“Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.”
We are often of the belief that we need to rid ourselves of problems and then we will be happy. On the contrary, we need to have problems to make us feel like we are succeeding. Plus, overcoming those problems brings us self-improvement and, by consequence, happiness with ourselves.
Choose good values and metrics
According to Manson, we place value in an area and develop metrics, or a system of judgment, to assess whether or not our values are met. Rather than value things that you have no control over, the best values are of the following nature: reality-based, socially constructive, and immediate and controllable. He also addresses how to change your values and the very uncomfortable feelings that accompany such a decision.
Certainty is the enemy of growth
One of my favorite ideas is Manson’s Law of Avoidance which implies that the more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it. He advocates for embracing uncertainty and the discomfort that holds. It sounds counterproductive but the more you try to be certain about something the more uncertain and insecure you will feel.
Do something and the answers will follow
Even when we feel we have no direction, the moment we start doing anything, it will propel us towards figuring out what we actually want and, thus, bring us closer to what can actually benefit us.
You can’t solve other people’s problems
Likewise, other people can’t solve your problems. Neither situation leads to happiness. What we need to do is take responsibility for our own problems. For others, what we can do is support them in their journey to solve a problem but not take on the responsibility of solving their problems.
Commit to something and reject the alternative
This idea in particular really resonates with me, as someone who has a lot of trouble with making choices. I fear making the “wrong” choice but an even worse situation would be not making a choice. If we don’t make a choice, we miss out on the depth of beauty and level of content that exists only when you can commit to something aligning with your most important values.
Care about something greater than yourself
We have full control of our values and the greatest sense of happiness can be achieved when we place our fucks in worthwhile values. In the long-run, the most beneficial places to place our fucks will be in causes that help others.
When this book came into my hands, I was working through stagnation that derived from indecision. Manson’s book encouraged me to recognize that I am not wrong to feel uncertain about the choices I want to make. It provided me the outlook that having uncertainty means I’m growing. And as I grow, I meet people and opportunities that demand I make a choice. The more I make choices, the more I learn what is and what is not right for me, and the closer I am to bringing in people and opportunities that are a little more right for me. That’s all I can ask for.
What do you think? These are just super brief bullet points as to what stood out to me in The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck that personally resonated with me. I’m sure there is a topic in here that will hit home for everyone no matter where you are in your life. Have you read this book? Do any of the points I mentioned resonate with you? I’d love to hear what you think.
Aaaand if you have read it, are you as siked as I am that Mark Manson has a follow-up novel about what’s fucked up with our ideas of hope? You can view it here on Amazon! Not sponsored, just super excited!
I try to make this blog a positive space while also acknowledging the very real, and sometimes messy, things I’m going through. I hope sharing my experiences provides you with stories you can relate to or provides some value as far as letting you know that we all have some hardships and things we’re going through.
I’m actually writing this post from the wooden bench seats inside a local Starbucks, sipping an Earl Grey tea. Okay, not sipping yet because Starbucks boils the fuck out of their hot water so I will scald my tongue if I even attempt to drink it right now. Can you relate?
Sometimes it is something small that brings us together, like our thoughts on (the temperature of) drinks at Starbucks; other times it is a little heavier. Today I’m going to address love and how that translates from our experiences in our head to our heart.
In the month of December, a friend of mine spoke about how just because some people are not in her life anymore that does not mean they can’t be in her heart. At the same time, she recognized that she could be in other people’s hearts, too.
We have criteria for judging whether or not someone in our lives is living up to the tile we give them. If it is a friend or a romantic partner, we have some expectations for what that means. In my experience, I’ve struggled with having people come into my life and say they care about me but not showing that. When someone I consider close to me also vocalizes my importance to them, I wonder how it is that we can separate. Where does the love go?
FRIENDS
For a long time, I was holding onto frustration with a friend of mine who I have known since junior high. It’s a special kind of friendship when someone has known you since you wore checkered Vans and chalked your hair (every generation has their trends). There have been times where our friendship seemed to fizzle and I couldn’t understand what changed. Usually it was the hurdle of distance that we would need to overcome but we would always come back to each other.
Though, during the past year I have noticed us growing apart in a different way. Her life is heading in a different direction. I’m really looking to grow myself and she’s looking to settle down and grow her family. This isn’t a recipe for a friendship breakup but my efforts to keep up with her are not reciprocated. She’d put aside hangouts we’d schedule for minor things that would come up. Rescheduling just never happened and, naturally, I took offense. I remember her calling me her best friend on multiple occasions so what happened to that?
I felt like I was always available as a friend to her and she wasn’t nearly as available for me. Some people might say this is a clear point to move on when I obviously am not receiving the amount of effort I put in back toward me. Still, I remember when I was important to her. So, I’ve come to a place where I release the frustration and resentment and just accept. I think of my friend’s words and muse that, perhaps, this is what love is like now. I don’t have any less love for her just because I’m not one of the first few to hear her big news or because she can’t meet up with me. Love has transcended into a more sophisticated sense of respect. At least, that is what I hold for her…and maybe that is what she holds for me, now, too.
It was only recently that I started to think of love’s ability to touch our hearts for longer periods than someone’s presence can provide. Just as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we feel the pain of separation from someone we care about deeply. Yet, it is with that mentality that I can hold love and great appreciation for a person whom I no longer have around.
LOVERS
I once was asked if I had ever been in love (romantically). My then 23-year-old-self responded with an absurd sounding number, like 7. The person I was speaking with made me feel a bit silly because several of those people I was “in love” with I was never in a relationship with. They all felt important to me at one time though so, if they weren’t all loves, then maybe none were. I then responded with, “none” as my answer. I was still met with a skeptical response.
At the time, I couldn’t quite constitute my thoughts surrounding love but I’ve since recognized that love exists in many forms. Love isn’t always reciprocated the way I wish. However, that does not take away from how I feel about a person or the magic they possess. The memories I have of a person hold a love that is unchangeable. In this current moment in time, situations may be different but I must fairly acknowledge the feelings of my younger self and the sparks that were so important to her!
If I do not respectfully label the love I had for a person when I was younger and somewhat naïve as such, then with what marker can I use to assess love in my life now?
The person who was disbelieving of my number of loves was also one of my loves. After saying 7, and then none, I settled on one. One was all that mattered then. He thought I was speaking about my last boyfriend but, little did he know, I was talking about him.
In my efforts to keep this post somewhat valuable and not just a gushy diary entry, I’ll spare you the details of what transpired between us. Although, if you’re interested, I have described a little bit about what happened in this post. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I couldn’t help but fall in love with his light and his imperfections the first moment I spoke with him. I knew I wanted to be with him. Consequently, for a long time, my perspective on how everything played out was blinded by my feelings. Feelings which did not allow me to even attempt to wrap my mind around how someone could say he cared so deeply for me yet not want to be with me.
I doubted myself so much after that. I doubted my ability to see what I felt was a light in someone else. I doubted my judgment of what risks were worth taking. I remember his hurt expression on that dark and distant day when I said I loved him—and that made me doubt my ability to put trust in my heart.
He and I spent the better parts of several weeks together but I cannot attempt to understand what goes on in someone else’s head. In the end, all I was left with were his words. Words that validated what I felt we shared but were accompanied by actions that I disagreed with. I think many of our relationships can unfold this way. We say what our heart feels but our head provides the guidance for actions. This same person once said to me that we are in a constant battle between logic and emotion and it’s hard to decide which one we’ll let win.
For my friendships that have faded and my lovers lost, I cannot hold a space for you anymore. Instead, I hold onto the memories that touched me and the feelings that changed me. All of which remind me that love does not only exist in one way. Love is as free-flowing and constant as you allow it to be. It is this mentality that encourages me not to be afraid of putting my heart out there again.
The impact of people who have come into my life, for however long they stayed, does not go unnoticed. Those outward expressions of love that we experienced cannot last but they can exist in our hearts for as long as we desire. They exist as a reminder that we are alive, we feel, and that love is ours to create and give to whoever we want.
This post is dedicated to Teresa, whose words about our hearts and love made such an impact on me.
Listening AKA the ticket to make anyone who speaks with you instantly like you!
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and, a few seconds in, realized they weren’t listening to you? Maybe it was the way their eyes kept darting to the doorway or the way they glanced at their phone every few seconds. You may even ask if you are boring them. They quickly dismiss such absurdity with a light wave of their hand and vigorously offer their assurance that they are listening.
There is no such thing as listening in a conversation if one cannot arouse a natural curiosity in what the other part has to say. The words someone else speaks are just words heard by you. Hearing is not the same as listening because the words stay at surface level. To listen is to internalize what someone says and understand it so that the words have value and substantial depth.
Why is it so hard to listen?
In our society with freedom of speech, a lot of people think that means it is okay to say whatever is on their mind. People love to talk; we do so much of this that virtual platforms are even dedicated to opinions. (This blog, admittedly!) If we aren’t talking aloud, whether to another person or to ourselves, we are think-talking which is just as invasive. I’ll get to why in a moment but consider this question: are you doing more talking or listening?
Talking doesn’t necessarily mean talking in the traditional sense, although that is a big one! In contrast to listening, talking is very self-centric. It can take the form of any of the following:
Thinking about something that happened earlier or making mental plans for what to do later
Watching a video or playing an audible media to its conclusion and realizing you didn’t actually pay attention to anything you saw/heard (thus, having to rewind or replay it)
Distracted behaviors such as tapping your fingers, shaking your leg, or other forms of fidgeting
Preparing what you can say when you see someone else
Planning what you can say to someone else while the other person is still talking
Sometimes it feels like we know it all. Yeah, even I am at fault for taking on that mentality at times. Rather than give excuses as to why we seem momentarily distracted, let’s take responsibility in the moment for what is going on in our head.
Our brains are systematic processors that quickly want to decipher a moment and categorize it. They want to see, read, smell, hear, or feel something and lump it into a category that already exists in our brains.
So, when you’re out to lunch with your friend who proceeds to tell you about an argument from the night before with her spouse, your brain says, “Oh, this sounds familiar. Let’s add it to the pile of other examples of marital arguments”. It’s not an intentional act that we’re doing and that’s what makes not listening so insidious.
We have to actively engage in presence so that we don’t automatically write off what someone is saying and dump it into a category. If we are present, then we get to be the filter and actively engage inabsorbing the words someone is saying. That, my friends, is listening.
If you aren’t listening, you aren’t learning.
Most of us have a set of eyes that we use to see the world. If you shut your eyes, you’re immediately shutting off the intake of visual stimuli. With our ears, however, we don’t have an ear-lid that shuts off the intake of sound. It’s up to us to decide to hear something and listen or hear something and passively let it pass through our ears. What does this mean? Well, we basically are required to partake in some next-level processing to listen!
As I mentioned earlier, our brains want to be efficient. With so many people, tasks, and stimuli to keep track of, it is easier for our brains to hear the words someone says and classify that as something familiar rather than try to understand it. Consequently, because we don’t attempt to understand an issue, we often make use of our “familiarity” and pass judgment.
Judgment helps us make quick decisions. We utilize the pre-determined markers that we have created to save us from having to think more than we need to. It helps us sort through laundry and create wash piles when we can look at garments and swiftly separate them into colors, darks, and lights. We’ll toss out the wilted cabbage from our fridge because it has developed fuzzy spots on it. No formulas or technical steps needed—time is energy, after all.
But what about tuning into the nuances of ourselves and the variability in those around us? We’ll take a lunch break when the clock hits 12 because the time tells us we’re hungry instead of our stomachs. If a favorite brand of ours comes out with a new product, we may be inclined to buy it without even researching the product because we already have a trusted idea of what we can expect from that brand.
Again, pre-determined markers are efficient though they fail to allow us to see a situation as novel and to view the world with a critical eye. Instead, we strip away all that is unique, as we only focus on what we already know. Obviously, it helps to have background information on any subject to better understand something new related to that subject.
Let’s say, for example, you’re pretty familiar with computers; so now it is easy to install a new program or search for what you need on the internet. But do you remember what it was like to first learn how to use one? You wanted to learn. It intrigued you to see what more you could do with this piece of technology so you spent hours and hours trying to figure it out. Maybe not all at once but cumulatively you’ve probably spent countless hours learning little things about your computer.
What if we brought some of that curiosity into our relationships with people and into our conversations? What if we opened up to the thought that people might have unique perspectives and ideas? Can you imagine how much we could learn from one another if we weren’t so quick to judge instead of listen?
It hurts to not feel listened to.
Sometimes we can get caught up in wanting to be the first one to say something or wanting to share our personal news that we aren’t mindful of extending conversational courtesy to those we speak with. We say we value a good listener but do we actively practice being one ourselves?
I think we often forget that not applying attention to someone who speaks is just as rude as if you made a hurtful comment towards them. Where did the care and compassion elements that make up the basis of a conversation go? When I was growing up, I can’t tell you how many times the idea, “treat others the way you want to be treated”, was instilled in me.
When we lash out, cut someone off while they are speaking, or simply do not listen, we are basically putting forth a closed off energy. We are impeding our potential to learn and squashing the spirit in others who bravely choose to share.
Unfortunately, when you choose to open up to someone and they: don’t listen, criticize what you say, or completely shut you down, that has detrimental effects on your ego and self-esteem.
Yeah, we can huff and puff about how our generation is so sensitive but isn’t our generation also the one that is supposed to be more tolerable? At least here in the U.S., are we not the generation that has boasted the acceptance of different lifestyles? We don’t need to embrace someone else’s opinions, behaviors, or lifestyle choices as our own but I do think we need to embrace RESPECT for others’ opinions, behaviors, and life choices.
It continues to surprise me that we are all individuals with individual thoughts. And that is only something I have realized through listening. Perhaps we can concede that we are all different people and we all have our own unique perspective of this world we live in. If that can be agreed upon, why are people so quick to impose their ideas on someone else? What’s right for you isn’t necessarily right for your brother, friend, coworker, sister-in-law, husband, or whoever.
Therefore, we need let the practice of speaking with kindness and respect guide us.
How to overcome the listening hurdle.
We’ve all been on the receiving and delivering side of a judgmental conversation. So, remember to give the other person the same decency that you would like shown to you when you speak.
As for those who hurt you by wearing “hearing” but not “listening” ears, there is hope for them, too. I do feel it is important that you first be the example of that which you want to receive. Be the listener you want to have for others. That may be enough to naturally encourage the other person to extend the courtesy to you.
As a second step, you could definitely point out to the other party that you don’t feel like they are interested in listening to you. Again, many times people don’t realize how stuck in their heads they may be and how that is coming across in their demeanor. If the person is close to you, it could be worthwhile to let them know how their actions make you feel.
I know how incredibly uncomfortable that sounds. Heck, you were already feeling squashed from not being listened to and now I’m telling you to speak out about what you want!? Trust me here. I’ve had a few of these conversations with good friends and it has only benefited our friendships.
I’m notorious for being a good listener; yet I used to struggle to get even 30 seconds of microphone time when speaking to some of my friends. When I told them of the problem and how I did not feel listened to, they were surprised and a little hurt to hear it. Though, they were even more appreciative that I brought it up because they valued my friendship. From then on, these friends of mine actually made a noticeable change. They made an effort to have an equal conversation with me—taking an interest in me instead of just talking to me.
Perhaps I wouldn’t say these things to someone who I’m just having a one-time interaction with but use your judgment based on the situation. It is also worth noting the possibility that someone might not be receptive to what you say. If they play the blame game, victimize themselves, or put you down even more, then consider what importance this person plays in your life. We can’t always choose who surrounds us but we can choose who we open up to and who we share our energy with.
I’ve practiced these principles myself and hope they can be helpful for anyone else wishing to cultivate more fulfilling relationships through better listening.
Thank you so much for reading and for being here. If you have any experiences or tips related to listening then I’d love to hear them!
I don’t know why it has taken me so long to write a review for a set of products that I use every day.You guys might know that last year I became an ambassador for the brand FRÉ Skincare. FRÉ makes products to meet the needs of active women or women who sweat.Let’s all put our hands up, shall we?
I’m getting sweaty on a daily basis; if not through exercise, than through the hot climate that I reside in.We’re talking So Cal summers here!So, I’ve really put these products to the test and can feel confident in saying these are top-notch.I largely attribute the luxurious feel of the products to their Argania Active Complex derived from antioxidant-rich Argan oil.It’s an integral aspect of their brand so the Argan used is high in quality and sourced carefully.I won’t go into their full story here but you can read more about it on their website!
What I will share with you here is my experience with the products!Before we dive into the review, I want to be transparent and say that FRÉ did send the products to me but I am not obligated to write a review here on my blog.Actually, nor was I obligated to use the products EVERY DAY for the past 6 months.That’s all on me!It just goes to show that when you find products that work, you stick with them.
Despite that, I will admit to having a few issues/concerns about the products and I will definitely be sharing that below.They might not be a big deal for you but I want to clearly outline anything and everything that I can so that if you are considering shopping FRÉ, you’ll know what to expect.
Without further ado, here is my breakdown of how the FRÉ Skincare line of products have performed, what I like, and what I’m not that into.
Sunscreen is a love it or hate it type of products.We all know we should be applying sunscreen anytime we may be exposed to the sun for any amount of time.Yet, how many times have you tried to be a good citizen and applied your sunscreen, only to feel a THICK, sometimes WHITE, layer on your face and have it clog up your pores?? Ugh, nothing is worse.
Enter Protect Me which is specifically designed with non-comedogenic Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane and Octocrylene as sunscreen ingredients.These have been studied and tested to provide UVA and UVB protection together and do not leave that thick sunscreen layer on your face.It is also worth mentioning that I’ve had zero breakouts and no issues with having a whitecast in photos because of the product.
Although, I wouldn’t be an honest blogger if I didn’t also admit that, while those above mentioned sunscreen ingredients serve to prevent clogged pores, they are also potential endocrine disruptors.Yeah, there is some light research suggesting Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane can mimic estrogen in the body and it’s friend Octocrylene causes cell die-off as the ingredient is exposed to UV rays.A little fishy considering these are ingredients that will be absorbed into our skin.Yet, if the alternative is not wearing sunscreen or wearing one that your skin hates, then I think this might not be a big deal.I just wanted to point this out so you guys can make an informed decision.
Maybe you’ve heard oil is the best thing to use to remove eye make-up because they work together?If not, here I am to inform you that oil is the best to use for eye make-up removal.Similarly, we need an ingredient that works with what we have on our facial skin to remove dirt and impurities.That might be an oil-based moisturizer like Purify Me!Most of my makeup is actually water-based so I have an easier time using a makeup-removing face wash or micellar water before Purify Me.
On days when I just got sweaty sans makeup, Purify Me works well alone!It is a creamy face cleanser with gentle microbeads (and not the synthetic kind that hurt the environment).The cleanser is amazing to clean and lock in moisture at the same time.I’ve mentioned how the products were designed for active/sweaty skin but I find the Argan oil ingredients are also extremely beneficial for dry skin!My skin certainly feels supple and soft after using this cleanser.
The serum is by far my favorite product right here!I can’t tell you how many facial moisturizers I’ve tried and they’re often too thick or too thin or just don’t get the job done.My skin looks and feels so much better since I started using Revive Me.
When I started using the serum, my skin broke out—not to blame the Revive Me but my skin was simply adjusting to a new and non-comedogenic product.After about a week, I notice my skin was not dry, irritated, or nearly as red as it used to be.My face was so sensitive but the serum really helped to eliminate irritation and promote my own skin’s cellular turnover.I rarely get breakouts now!
If you can only get one product to try, I would say get this serum!
This product is FRÉ Skincare’s answer to the beloved tinted moisturizer.It does not have the coverage you can achieve with a foundation or concealer but that is not expected.Similar to Protect Me, Glow Me won’t clog your pores and it is easy enough to layer with the other FRÉ products without experiencing layers and layers of heaviness.On the other hand, the tinted moisturizer has a thicker feeling than any of the other products.The tackiness goes away after a few minutes of air-drying or with a follow-up touch of powder.
Surprisingly, Glow Me does not utilize the same sunscreen ingredients as Protect Me.Instead, it uses Cyclopentasiloxane and the well-studied titanium dioxide combined with Trimethoxycaprylylsilane.I couldn’t find too much on the latter ingredient as far as testing or safety, at the moment. Cyclopentasiloxane, although it does not have the hormone disruptive effects as Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane, can however become toxic to organs with continued use because of the bioaccumulative nature of the chemical.Again, these are not necessarily reasons to deter anyone from trying the products but points I feel particularly inclined to research for sunscreen-containing products.
Face masks are notoriously drying or breakout-causing, for me.Yet, Detox Me utilizes the same argan oil base as all of the other products which keeps it from being drying.Of course, it serves its purpose as a mask to dislodge skin impurities and unclog pores with the help of kaolin clay and dead sea salt.
I love the way the mask feels exfoliating as you rub it on but it feels like it balances my skin’s pH as I’m wearing it.FRÉ recommends using it after working out, one to three times per week.I personally enjoy using the mask after taking a shower twice a week, ideally.
There you have it, folks!Those are the key things I would want you to know if you’re thinking of buying any of the FRÉ products.I do believe the ingredients are very skin-friendly and seem to be agreeable with all skin types—oily, dry, and everything in between.
The best way to get a feel for the products is to try them out!I am particularly drawn to the Detox Set but you can also purchase the products individually.If you are interested, be sure to use my code: MELANIEM or this link https://www.freskincare.com/MELANIEM so that you can snag a discount at checkout!
Don’t hesitate to ask if you have any questions about the products.I’m happy to provide you with answers to help you decide if FRÉ is right for you.
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. By clicking “Accept”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
Cookie
Duration
Description
cookielawinfo-checbox-analytics
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checbox-functional
11 months
The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checbox-others
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance
11 months
This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy
11 months
The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
