In relationships, I’ve always felt like there were people for certain things. I had friends to talk to about movies, friends to go out to lunch with, and friends to have deep chats about the universe with. It plagued me to think that I had to limit my interests or adjust conversation topics if I was with a different friend. Yet, I didn’t know any other way to be. There was always this feeling in me that I had different selves. With each person, I’d show a different and select part of me but, over time, this felt isolating.
From the very beginning, I was trained to have a public self and a private self.
As a child, I was raised by very private, Jehovah’s Witness parents. My dad was strict in his religion so my mom converted from Catholicism when she married him. Some of my earliest memories regarding religion are getting dressed up to go to church and sitting for hours (in kid time) through sermons. Not too unusual from other church experiences, I imagine. However, it was what happened outside of church that really caused division in me.
While church only felt like 5% of my life, it seemed to dictate everything. Among my father’s relatives, they had long known of his belief system and there was a respectful separation between him and his family members. Therefore, I didn’t see too much of them growing up. My mom, on the other hand, was much closer to her own family and tried to make sure my sister and I spent proper time with them. She did the best she could given the circumstances but, since my mom’s side of the family was all Catholic, for nearly the first 10 years of my life, I never went to any holidays, birthdays, or seemingly festive get-togethers.
I have vivid memories of visiting my aunt’s house (on my mother’s side) and playing with my cousins. Then, when it would come time to leave, they’d ask if I or my family would be going to their [insert holiday celebration] special occasion. I’d always get the questions and I’d always wish the answer wasn’t no. My cousins were close in age to me so I felt like I was missing out on a big part of their lives and the kind of lives that I imagined other children had, too.
In elementary school, my teachers were always made aware of my religion but it wasn’t something I could talk about with friends. I was trained to keep quiet about it because “they wouldn’t understand”. I think my mom would’ve loved for me to just go through the “normal” childhood experience of celebrations and holiday activities but we lived in a small town and word would get around. How? Well, there was another kid in my class who also went to my same congregation. He knew I was Jehovah’s Witness so if I slipped up and participated in something I shouldn’t, he could easily tell his parents and they could get mine in trouble.
When there were class Christmas parties or school-wide Halloween carnivals and Easter egg hunts (yupp, my school did this), I stayed home. The only thing I ever remember participating in was May Day and that’s barely a holiday. Sometimes I would go to school for attendance reasons but my mom would often pull me out early or else I’d just get sent to the library or another classroom to read and work on assignments while everyone else was celebrating.
At home, my mom would sometimes do festive activities with my sister and I because she did not want us to feel left out. Occasionally, I’d try to talk to my dad about what was going on at school but he was not as understanding to the woes of a 7 year old. I remember once being at my aunt’s house on a day they were celebrating one of my cousin’s birthdays. They bought cake and simply sang happy birthday. I knew it was something I was not supposed to partake in but I was already there so why not have some cake? I later told my parents and, from the little bit that my kid brain could gather, my father was not happy I was included in that situation.
The thing is…I was living these different versions of me with my mom, my dad, my church, my friends at school, and my extended family. I felt like I couldn’t just be me. I was hiding some aspect of my life from everyone I was with. All I wanted was to be honest and, instead, I was full of secrets.
What the constant secret-keeping created was anguish and insecurity in me. It wasn’t even that I was telling lies; I was just withholding expression of certain thoughts or parts of my life from people. This manifested in other relationships I had as I grew older.
I changed elementary schools a couple of times and at one point I even made up a story about having a twin. Oh, little Melanie was constantly a ball of excitement and good-hearted mischief. Yet, I was also easily embarrassed because I never knew what I could say or what an okay way to behave was. I’ve always felt like I did not fit in and had an alternative way of being (a story for another day) so I told my few friends that I had a twin. The way I played it was that my twin would “coincidentally” be the one who went to school in my place on those days when I said or did something really embarrassing. I apologize to anyone who actually does have a twin but I did not know better at the time!
I was in a total identity crisis and, when there was news others couldn’t handle, I thought having a different self was the answer. I didn’t keep up the twin story for long but, as I got older, I learned to internalize my feelings instead of express them like I did as a kid.
With time, I’ve been able to assess the ways I’ve separated my essence into easily digestible, bite-size pieces just to get along with others. Admittedly, this was reinforced when I was misunderstood by those close to me. I would feel lit up by an idea, dream, or hobby of mine, only to share it and feel squashed or ignored. Moreover, the lack of understanding from my friends says less about their conversational downfalls and more about the kind of people I chose to surround myself with.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be whole.
I had a professor in college who once said that, in terms of relationships, it is a ridiculous thing to think that someone else can complete you. She said, that idea just makes people walk around thinking they are incomplete pieces until they meet The One. The way I see it, the same could be said for relationships with people, hobbies, tasks, social causes, locations, or anything.
In my mixed up state, I sought validation from any source that would provide it. Each of my different selves thought this person or that thing could be the solution to my inner division. However, I’ve learned that my lack of honesty with me is what sabotaged and repeatedly killed me throughout my life. Now, I seek to integrate the varied parts of myself that I’ve spread out in different places and with different people.
It is exciting but there is still a small voice inside of me that has concerns. It is the insecure child in me that wonders what is going to happen if I don’t have any different selves to hide behind as a defense mechanism. All I can presume is: I will be authentically myself.
Thank you for reading! Have you ever felt like you have divided yourself into different selves for different people? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
A year ago, even 6 months ago, I had so many questions.
Why did this happen? Why didn’t my accomplishments make me proud? Why did it seem like every minor mistake I made was blasted on the big screen? Why did my supervisor belittle and neglect me? Why did I get passed over for opportunities to advance even though I was qualified? Why did the boy I love not love me enough to commit? Why did my best friend only make time to see me when it was convenient for her? Why aren’t I enough?
The list goes on.📃 However, the commonality with all of these questions is how riddled with self-doubt I felt and I didn’t even know it. 🙇🏻♀️ I thought I was motivated and giving everything a fair shot. I was doing the best I could but I was also wearing the shoes of a victim. I made myself small.
I felt like the world was happening around me and to me without ME having any say in it. I still feel like this almost every day. And every day I remind myself I am in control of my life.💡 Not because I have any supernatural powers to control the way things play out or how someone feels about me…but because I have control over how I choose to look at the world and the many actions that come with that.
It is approaching life with the idea that I deserve to be here instead of wondering “why me?”. It is about my development of strengths rather than being ruled by perceived weaknesses.🧗🏻♀️ It’s a shift from self-hinderance to self-empowerment.
I am growing and blossoming. In an effort to be more authentic to myself, I want to start posting more regularly on here with similar thoughts to these.
For anyone else trying to step into their own, I recognize you and I respect you. You are not alone.
Today is also Mother’s Day. From the perspective of a daughter with a challenging relationship with her own mother, I think we are all trying. Whatever shape or form that takes changes. It isn’t always understood or expressed effectively. We are trying to do our best to take care of ourselves and those we care about. 💗
This post was originally published in July of 2018 with the title “How to Make the Choice to Change – Know Your Worth”. It has been majorly updated to provide better information and clarity on choice and making changes.
There are two significant factors which affect satisfaction that I have noticed in myself and those around me. The first is a real, intentional choice. When we make a choice we are exerting our control over a situation that will affect us and therefore having a say in what happens. The second factor that tremendously impacts how we view ourselves and, thus, what we deserve is our values. While choice is the actionable step to help us make a change, what we value is the motivation behind the desire for a change.
So much of what we do in everyday life is a CHOICE.
We choose to get out of bed in the morning or postpone it by hitting snooze for 30 minutes. We choose to cook breakfast for ourselves or drive through any easily-accessible fast-food chain. We choose to greet people with a smile or walk past strangers without a glance. We choose to react when a friend cancels plans or when the store sells out of our favorite shampoo.
Many times, we consider these things to be controlled by outside forces, situational occurrences, or even other people. When we deflect blame or view our lives as a series of events happening to us instead of because of us, or with us, we relinquish our golden power. We abandon personal responsibility which, yes, may mean facing consequences but it also means having the ability to turn a problem around or craft a new plan of pursuit. I’m all for taking a qualifying stance on issues but, when it comes to my life and choices, I don’t personally see there being an in-between. I am either a victim to my life’s situations or I am my own person. I either have a choice or I don’t.
I believe we all have a choice. It is also my belief that my choice and your choice can happily coexist in the world together.
I won’t go into this subject too deeply but I feel the need to quickly address the “lack” mentality many of us carry. The idea that, “If that person over there has success in his/her career then that takes away from the chance for me to have success in my career”. That is a lie. Success (or whatever quality we may envy in someone else that presumably occurred because of their choices) is relative to each person. It comes from each individual’s perception of the quality.
The forms of choice in a day that I described earlier may seem very tangible but a change in perspective also plays a huge role in the course of action behind a choice. We need not be moving to take a fruitful and actionable step. Sometimes we can physically manipulate the outcome of a situation but, more often, change in the life we experience really comes when our mentality shifts. That is: when we can take personal responsibility for all of the things that are happening to us.
Yet, action is only one piece of the puzzle of choice. Action is meaningless without intention behind it, guiding it.
As humans, we are excellent at justification. It is easier to not take responsibility and not be accountable for choices; then, complain about how our lives aren’t going the way we want even though we so badly wish for them to change. It requires almost stepping into a new role as to how you view yourself and the world–and that takes practice. That could mean saying yes to opportunities that align with your interests and no to that which does not serve you. If that does not offer results, then you may need to reassess your values.
Here’s an easy exercise: write down a sentence naming something that you want, but have not been able to achieve, and WHY you want it. There might be multiple reasons behind why you want it so go ahead and list whatever comes to mind. Then, go deeper and ask yourself why you value that. The goal is to get to the root reasoning as to why you feel something will make you happy.
Many times we can hold onto a very materialistic notion of what can make us happy. This can involve things like: earning a certain amount of money, taking a trip somewhere, having a romantic partner, or purchasing much-desired pair of shoes. This is when we are continuously on the hunt for a new shiny toy, big or small, to spark our interests. Other times, what can make us happy it isn’t anything tangible…but more of a goal or vision of who we want to be or where we would like to see ourselves. I consider situations like this to be a wistful postponing of pleasure. In other words, instead of allowing or cultivating things in your life right now, you opt to wait because you believe later will be better. Later you’ll have more experience, be stronger or fitter, be more financially secure, or simply be more confident in yourself.
I admit, I’m quite guilty of this thought pattern myself. Once in a while I will have a period where I slip into the trap of thinking I’ve been taking action but all I’ve done is find reasons not to do something. It can be a sticky situation. I know I want things to change but I also don’t feel the direction I’ve been going is benefiting me as I would’ve liked. So, where do I go from here? It trickles down to values.
On a surface level, our choices may change but that is because our values change. We then feel at conflict when our actions, whether they be physical or mental in nature, don’t provide changes that we desire. It is a constant work in progress–the old cyclical “lather, rinse, and repeat”. Except, with the topic of change, it is: 1) assessment of personal values, 2) actionable choices, and 3) see where that goes! If the outcome isn’t what you want, then lather up again / reconsider what your motivating values are.
I think there is endless opportunity to feel oppressed and resigned to circumstances. Societal norms have crafted an atmosphere where finger-pointing and projection is easier than dealing with our own problems. However, there is equal if not greater reason to make a choice to change that line of thinking into one that aligns with creating happiness.
If you’ve read this far into the post then you more than likely feel that inkling of a desire to create a change, too. Know that it is possible and, while it requires constant upkeep, it is not a chore. It is a gift to be able to make choices that align with our values and create the life we want. We are all deserving of a happy life; so is there any reason not to start making changes today?
In conversation with a dear friend of mine recently, he said one thing he likes about me is that I am tirelessly ambitious in the area of self-improvement. He said it with genuine admiration and I appreciated his noticing because I’d say that’s a quality I highly value in myself. Ambition, not in the cut-throat, reckless sense of the word but in the goal-setting, driven meaning of it.
I pride myself on self-development and, because of that, I like to see other people improve themselves.
There is a popular quote, attributed to Jim Rohn that goes, “You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with”. It is a phrase I’ve heard tossed around but I’ve been considering how that rings true lately. I think the intention behind the words is to keep people around who are supportive in your journey. Not just people who will give you a pat-on-the-back or offer the standard, “Congratulations on your achievement!” sort of support but people who will go through the thick of the roughage with you and you with them!
It is already difficult enough to make friends who are like-minded, supportive, and willing to put in effort into a friendship. We attract and maintain friendships with people usually because they serve one of those 3 purposes. Yet, I’ve also been thinking about how the needs of my own friendships have changed over time.
In my young adult life, I discovered the concept of self-work and, as I mentioned earlier, I enjoy spending time on that.
The act of setting goals and creating intentions is part of my weekly, if not daily vocabulary. I even have a list of the many areas I’d like to grow in and things I’d like to accomplish but I recognize I can only sanely manage a few things at a time. Therefore, I frequently set mini goals to work on and over time, use these to gauge my improvement. This is the sort of stuff that lights me up. I love seeing growth in myself through measures of my own design and my own choosing. I digress….
So, what has been troubling for me to discover is that not everyone is on the mission of self-improvement. I don’t mean to be so ignorant as to assume everyone wants the same thing as me. However, I admit I was under the impression that others wanted more, too.
This isn’t about me being young and naïve or having a world of possibilities ahead of me. (Though, many people I’ve spoken with who are older than I am like to say that.) I believe self-development knows no age limit. I’ve seen it play out firsthand that one is never too young or too old to take an interest in improving themselves. All a person needs is a desire for change and a little motivation to propel it forward.
For some, they are content with what they have and where they are at. They may not even be thrilled by the life they are living but they are comfortable and that is enough to keep them stagnant or simply not searching for more. To clarify what I mean by more, I’m talking about the stuff we can’t touch. It is common for us to think of ways to “improve” ourselves through a job, our paycheck, or being able to afford to purchase things we like or want. However, those are all material things and the intangiblemore isn’t visible on the physical plane we often dwell. The intangible are the goals and personal growth I was talking about earlier but also connection! While elusive to the naked eye, all of this is much more substantial and satisfying to our spirits!
People, of course, have the right to live their lives as they wish but when I am considering the people I surround myself with, I seek depth. I want to be able to share my experiences with people close to me and have them understand. I want to hear about the obstacles and naysayers standing in a person’s way and feel inspired by their persistence to combat the barriers in front of them with a brave face. I want to have relationships with people where we can discuss how we would like to strive for more—not because we are wildly dissatisfied with our current state but—because we know there is more to experience!
I have done a lot of self-work and only see more room for my own improvement. The less acknowledged area of exploration is the universe that exists inside of us. So, for me, it isn’t a chore or a mission; it’s just empowering to see what I am capable of and be brave enough to challenge myself even when the future is unknown.
I spend so much time with myself and consuming content from online influencers who are of a similar vibe but I want that real life connection. It’s awesome to open up my phone and have this inspiring influx of information but I feel called to reassess the friendships I have held onto so tightly. Little by little I have lost touch with more friends than I have acquired. That is okay because it is all about quality over quantity for me. However, as I’ve been going through my health coaching program, I see a huge potential for expansion in myself. I then look around me and am at a bit of a loss for individuals of the same vibe to share in the journey with.
Without going into all the details about childhood wounds and whatnot, I’m now able to reflect on the people I’ve surrounded myself with throughout my life and how they’ve served me. They benefited me for the place I was at but I can now look back and realize I wanted more then, too. It’s like, when you have a feeling of something and you just don’t know the word for it. I could feel I wanted more out of the people I surrounded myself with but I did not know what that meant, nonetheless how to acquire that. In recent years I’ve been able to understand myself and my needs a lot more. So, I’ve come to a place where I can’t save space for people who aren’t voracious about improvement or motivated to be better.
I do not have ill will toward any of the friends I grew up with or met later in life. I think everyone is where they are supposed to be for their personal journey. Some people stay content forever without ever doing the self-development work that I am personally so invested in…and that is okay. However, it is accessible to everyone. There is a universe that exists inside of each of us and we can all explore it if only we have the desire.
The greatest thing I can do is learn and when I feel the changes I seek in myself happening, I am encouraged to keep going. It is a process that knows no limit to depth. So rather than be preoccupied over where the high-vibe, growth-driven people I desire are, I trust the process; that through my self-work, I am already calling in the expansive people who can journey with me at this next part of my life.
Have you cut ties with friends because you needed different things than they could provide? Or have you grown with your friends? I’d love to hear what your experiences are.
Today I’m sharing my biggest takeaways from blogger and self-help extraordinaire Mark Manson’s ground-breaking novel The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck.
I’ve been on a mission of self-improvement and, in doing so, slowly funding the self-help genre of books. I’ve been avidly seeking out this genre of nonfiction for new perspectives. You guys know I love finding new ways to look at a situation and I think doing so also helps make me more creative.
One of my biggest struggles of daily life is caring too much. That might sound like a petty problem on the surface but I’ve felt it hinder me all throughout my life. After discovering I was an empath and highly sensitive person a few years ago, I had an explanation for my overly-caring tendencies but not a solution. I would still struggle in my abilities to understand myself and come to terms with situations that I need to move on from.
I remember hearing people buzz about the book when it was first released a few years back but I was on a YA-genre diet of books exclusively. It wasn’t until this past December when I came across Mark Manson’s blog that I became hooked on his words. Not to be dramatic but he is basically all that I aspire to be as a writer. His material is thoughtful and relatable, as it touches on areas of life that we are always (whether knowingly or not) trying to improve in. So, after burning through many of his articles, I knew I wanted to pick up his book.
One additional thing that I want to mention is that his writing takes a very real approach to overcoming ruts and obstacles. Some self-help gurus out there will hit you with tough love to push you to change. Others are too gentle—almost using too much of a self-love approach—so that you become comfortable with accepting things as they are. Manson meets us right in the middle so that everyone can work on themselves and on giving less fucks where fucks don’t belong.
I won’t dive too deep into the details of the book because I want you guys to all go out there and read it. It helped me out so much and, if you’re a regular reader around here, it could probably help you out, too.
Eight of the Most Important Takeaways from The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (i.e. the ones that resonated with me the most!)
Reserve your fucks for what matters
Not giving fucks is not about not caring. (That’s a lot of negatives in that sentence so I’ll repeat it.) Not giving fucks is not about not caring. Instead, it is about understanding that we don’t need to give a fuck about everything. We just need to give a fuck about something meaningful and important to us.
“Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.”
We are often of the belief that we need to rid ourselves of problems and then we will be happy. On the contrary, we need to have problems to make us feel like we are succeeding. Plus, overcoming those problems brings us self-improvement and, by consequence, happiness with ourselves.
Choose good values and metrics
According to Manson, we place value in an area and develop metrics, or a system of judgment, to assess whether or not our values are met. Rather than value things that you have no control over, the best values are of the following nature: reality-based, socially constructive, and immediate and controllable. He also addresses how to change your values and the very uncomfortable feelings that accompany such a decision.
Certainty is the enemy of growth
One of my favorite ideas is Manson’s Law of Avoidance which implies that the more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it. He advocates for embracing uncertainty and the discomfort that holds. It sounds counterproductive but the more you try to be certain about something the more uncertain and insecure you will feel.
Do something and the answers will follow
Even when we feel we have no direction, the moment we start doing anything, it will propel us towards figuring out what we actually want and, thus, bring us closer to what can actually benefit us.
You can’t solve other people’s problems
Likewise, other people can’t solve your problems. Neither situation leads to happiness. What we need to do is take responsibility for our own problems. For others, what we can do is support them in their journey to solve a problem but not take on the responsibility of solving their problems.
Commit to something and reject the alternative
This idea in particular really resonates with me, as someone who has a lot of trouble with making choices. I fear making the “wrong” choice but an even worse situation would be not making a choice. If we don’t make a choice, we miss out on the depth of beauty and level of content that exists only when you can commit to something aligning with your most important values.
Care about something greater than yourself
We have full control of our values and the greatest sense of happiness can be achieved when we place our fucks in worthwhile values. In the long-run, the most beneficial places to place our fucks will be in causes that help others.
When this book came into my hands, I was working through stagnation that derived from indecision. Manson’s book encouraged me to recognize that I am not wrong to feel uncertain about the choices I want to make. It provided me the outlook that having uncertainty means I’m growing. And as I grow, I meet people and opportunities that demand I make a choice. The more I make choices, the more I learn what is and what is not right for me, and the closer I am to bringing in people and opportunities that are a little more right for me. That’s all I can ask for.
What do you think? These are just super brief bullet points as to what stood out to me in The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck that personally resonated with me. I’m sure there is a topic in here that will hit home for everyone no matter where you are in your life. Have you read this book? Do any of the points I mentioned resonate with you? I’d love to hear what you think.
Aaaand if you have read it, are you as siked as I am that Mark Manson has a follow-up novel about what’s fucked up with our ideas of hope? You can view it here on Amazon! Not sponsored, just super excited!
I try to make this blog a positive space while also acknowledging the very real, and sometimes messy, things I’m going through. I hope sharing my experiences provides you with stories you can relate to or provides some value as far as letting you know that we all have some hardships and things we’re going through.
I’m actually writing this post from the wooden bench seats inside a local Starbucks, sipping an Earl Grey tea. Okay, not sipping yet because Starbucks boils the fuck out of their hot water so I will scald my tongue if I even attempt to drink it right now. Can you relate?
Sometimes it is something small that brings us together, like our thoughts on (the temperature of) drinks at Starbucks; other times it is a little heavier. Today I’m going to address love and how that translates from our experiences in our head to our heart.
In the month of December, a friend of mine spoke about how just because some people are not in her life anymore that does not mean they can’t be in her heart. At the same time, she recognized that she could be in other people’s hearts, too.
We have criteria for judging whether or not someone in our lives is living up to the tile we give them. If it is a friend or a romantic partner, we have some expectations for what that means. In my experience, I’ve struggled with having people come into my life and say they care about me but not showing that. When someone I consider close to me also vocalizes my importance to them, I wonder how it is that we can separate. Where does the love go?
FRIENDS
For a long time, I was holding onto frustration with a friend of mine who I have known since junior high. It’s a special kind of friendship when someone has known you since you wore checkered Vans and chalked your hair (every generation has their trends). There have been times where our friendship seemed to fizzle and I couldn’t understand what changed. Usually it was the hurdle of distance that we would need to overcome but we would always come back to each other.
Though, during the past year I have noticed us growing apart in a different way. Her life is heading in a different direction. I’m really looking to grow myself and she’s looking to settle down and grow her family. This isn’t a recipe for a friendship breakup but my efforts to keep up with her are not reciprocated. She’d put aside hangouts we’d schedule for minor things that would come up. Rescheduling just never happened and, naturally, I took offense. I remember her calling me her best friend on multiple occasions so what happened to that?
I felt like I was always available as a friend to her and she wasn’t nearly as available for me. Some people might say this is a clear point to move on when I obviously am not receiving the amount of effort I put in back toward me. Still, I remember when I was important to her. So, I’ve come to a place where I release the frustration and resentment and just accept. I think of my friend’s words and muse that, perhaps, this is what love is like now. I don’t have any less love for her just because I’m not one of the first few to hear her big news or because she can’t meet up with me. Love has transcended into a more sophisticated sense of respect. At least, that is what I hold for her…and maybe that is what she holds for me, now, too.
It was only recently that I started to think of love’s ability to touch our hearts for longer periods than someone’s presence can provide. Just as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we feel the pain of separation from someone we care about deeply. Yet, it is with that mentality that I can hold love and great appreciation for a person whom I no longer have around.
LOVERS
I once was asked if I had ever been in love (romantically). My then 23-year-old-self responded with an absurd sounding number, like 7. The person I was speaking with made me feel a bit silly because several of those people I was “in love” with I was never in a relationship with. They all felt important to me at one time though so, if they weren’t all loves, then maybe none were. I then responded with, “none” as my answer. I was still met with a skeptical response.
At the time, I couldn’t quite constitute my thoughts surrounding love but I’ve since recognized that love exists in many forms. Love isn’t always reciprocated the way I wish. However, that does not take away from how I feel about a person or the magic they possess. The memories I have of a person hold a love that is unchangeable. In this current moment in time, situations may be different but I must fairly acknowledge the feelings of my younger self and the sparks that were so important to her!
If I do not respectfully label the love I had for a person when I was younger and somewhat naïve as such, then with what marker can I use to assess love in my life now?
The person who was disbelieving of my number of loves was also one of my loves. After saying 7, and then none, I settled on one. One was all that mattered then. He thought I was speaking about my last boyfriend but, little did he know, I was talking about him.
In my efforts to keep this post somewhat valuable and not just a gushy diary entry, I’ll spare you the details of what transpired between us. Although, if you’re interested, I have described a little bit about what happened in this post. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I couldn’t help but fall in love with his light and his imperfections the first moment I spoke with him. I knew I wanted to be with him. Consequently, for a long time, my perspective on how everything played out was blinded by my feelings. Feelings which did not allow me to even attempt to wrap my mind around how someone could say he cared so deeply for me yet not want to be with me.
I doubted myself so much after that. I doubted my ability to see what I felt was a light in someone else. I doubted my judgment of what risks were worth taking. I remember his hurt expression on that dark and distant day when I said I loved him—and that made me doubt my ability to put trust in my heart.
He and I spent the better parts of several weeks together but I cannot attempt to understand what goes on in someone else’s head. In the end, all I was left with were his words. Words that validated what I felt we shared but were accompanied by actions that I disagreed with. I think many of our relationships can unfold this way. We say what our heart feels but our head provides the guidance for actions. This same person once said to me that we are in a constant battle between logic and emotion and it’s hard to decide which one we’ll let win.
For my friendships that have faded and my lovers lost, I cannot hold a space for you anymore. Instead, I hold onto the memories that touched me and the feelings that changed me. All of which remind me that love does not only exist in one way. Love is as free-flowing and constant as you allow it to be. It is this mentality that encourages me not to be afraid of putting my heart out there again.
The impact of people who have come into my life, for however long they stayed, does not go unnoticed. Those outward expressions of love that we experienced cannot last but they can exist in our hearts for as long as we desire. They exist as a reminder that we are alive, we feel, and that love is ours to create and give to whoever we want.
This post is dedicated to Teresa, whose words about our hearts and love made such an impact on me.
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