Do you believe that some problems have no solution? That situations, once they occur, are practically set in stone? Or that you can change the unchangeable in even the most unlikely situations?
I’ve shared before about various physical pain and discomfort that I’ve been dealing with (for a couple of years now). As a quick recap, it started out as TMJ-related jaw and neck pain but the pain has taken on so many varying forms. At the moment I deal with a feeling of tightness throughout my whole body and sharp pains down my back, arms, and hands. It’s a complex situation (and even harder for someone not experiencing the discomfort to wrap their heads around) but you can go read my posts on chiropractic care, and acupuncture treatment for some more details about what’s gone on with me physically.
I’m extremely versed in natural remedies, nutrition, holistic methods and the like–yet, these things haven’t quite helped take away my symptoms. At this point my pain isn’t something that I wonder: will it pop up today? It’s something I’ve already created adjustments for to help me manage this chronic issue. I’m not really looking for suggestions but what I do want to say is that all of us likely have areas where we feel like we’re getting by or maintaining something and it doesn’t feel great.
Do you have an area in your life that seems too big or too complex to change?
The optimist in me wants to tout that everything can be improved, however, the way things can improve is going to look different for everyone.
There’s a combination of hope and action that drive change.
Sometimes change can look exactly like what we have in mind but, other times, we make things better by making other areas of our life better.
For example, I don’t think I’d be in the place I’m in right now, physically, if I decided my pain was too much and didn’t stretch or keep up with exercise. I think those things have helped me feel better! Neither one solved the problem of my physical pain but they sure do make it feel like less of a problem.
So how do we change the unchangeable?
The short answer is: we can’t always.
The long answer is: there are times when we can and times when we can’t.
I’m a big proponent of going after what you want! I lay out how to make the choice to change in this post here, but various factors play into simply having the ability to change. Maybe the thing we want to change is reliant on some other experiences we need to have first so that we can acquire information or gain skills to shift toward the new situation we want efficiently. The downside here is that time is unknown. You can’t put time demands on when you want to “be ready” or have something come to you.
Think of when you last had a heartbreak or split up from a partner. Everyone says, “time heals all wounds” but for a long time you’re probably just sad. That’s because you can’t decide you’ll feel better in 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months because the number isn’t what’s important. What’s important is the experiences you’re having while healing from the heartbreak. How are you taking care of yourself? Are you nourishing other parts of your life? Do you invest in relationships with those around you? Are you building upon your interests and skills? There’s no telling what can happen during the “time” post-fact but eventually it will lead you to a place where things hurt less and then not at all.
On the other side of the coin, and I really hate to say this but, there is the possibility that things won’t change. As in: the specific thing you want won’t change. For example, I know some people have a chronic illness that cannot be reversed. There are treatments, therapies, and lifestyle changes they can make that may help them but nothing will take away this chronic illness once they have it. I never want to tell someone to give up. I don’t believe in that. Yet, it can become dangerously addictive to keep seeking alternatives where there are none. So, at this point you can keep fighting the reality or look to other parts of your life where you can make a change.
Sometimes we can’t change what has happened to us but we always change the situations we expose ourselves to and the way we treat ourselves.
Again, this can look different for everyone. For some people, popping on a movie in the evening helps them forget the stressors of the day at a job they don’t feel they can leave. A friend of mine was working from home and suffering to maintain a schedule, so he requested to work directly at his office and that made a big difference!
Why do we have vacations? Those are also opportunities to take a break from what we’ve been doing and allow rest and rejuvenation. We can essentially seek to incorporate mini vacations, or pockets of pleasure as I like to call them, throughout our day and week.
It isn’t always about changing the thing directly. We can’t always quit the job, move to the place, get rid of x, y, z situation. Whether it be because we aren’t emotionally/mentally/physically/financially ready or because we are still on the journey and haven’t yet discovered the solution(s) yet, these are all valid spaces to be in.
Navigating when you can’t change that specific thing you want
I’ve learned to offer myself compassion more often now than ever before. Limitations, I used to think, were only self-imposed. I didn’t like hearing people blame this or that for their unhappy lives. While I still think you should do what you can to improve your situation, I have more understanding that it isn’t always so quick and easy, or even an option.
That’s okay, too.
We can assess what’s possible, what’s within our means right now, and if the options don’t feel right, then perhaps we set aside plans and concentrate on other areas of our lives for the time being. It’s up to us to choose wisely, while considering where we are, but there is certainly room for both.
Just take care of yourself as best you can, with the tools and knowledge you have now.
xo,
Melanie
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